Hi ty,

I like SP's advice, to talk to your T and tell her what is going on. Especially that you are not feeling contained at the end of session - this will make sure (I hope) that she spends more time ending sessions? I know I've been anxious w/ my T recently and we spent probably the entire session titrating from last week to this week, and a break where I won't see her for 12 days (which isn't as long as you, I know, I would usually see her 3-4 times in that period). I was so shocked that your T didn't tell you in any advance that she'd be gone... and wasn't gentle on the re-entry. This can be really good to process especially since you are saying that terminating could trigger a lot of rejection/abandonment issues... and I think those issues sound already stirred... and this could be a good "healing experience" (I say this as someone who has said this said to them and wanted to punch the messenger - the whole thing hurts, but sometimes it can be worth it to go through).

hang in there...

I think the right thing to do is to talk to your T about this.

However. I wouldn't.

The way she is right now would be the end of it for me.

My T is great with me and most sessions I leave feeling similar to how you felt. I mostly sit in my car for 1 to 3 hours thinking, processing, sleeping, crying, - whatever - having a reaction. so I go through that stuff and my T is great and I see her twice a week and have daily contact of some sort. My session is fixed and my T never forgets, isn't late and does all that stuff right.

If my T did what yours did - I wouldn't give her the benefit of the doubt - i would just leave and put my energy into finding a T who cares.

But, I also realise that this might not be the "correct" path to choose.

Somedays

She's sent me a reply to my email:

Dear [tygr],

You may be right.

I too can’t see that you are getting any relief through coming at the moment. As you know I am very concerned about you. I am sorry that I had to ask you to give way on the drive yesterday but someone else was arriving.

You are most welcome to come and discuss a forward plan with me, however, if this is too difficult I do understand. At present I think that you feel that I, like mother, do not hear your concerns or pain.

Should you feel that you are not able to come on Monday I would ask you to contact your doctor to tell him that and to bring forward your CBT treatment.

Hoping to hear from you,


Not sure how I feel. Just numb I think. Not sure whether to try to resolve things or leave.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I'd love someone to sit me down with a cup of tea and just let me bawl really. That's probably what I need. What I need to express isn't really verbal.

For her, that's an essay. And she actually uses I and you a lot rather than distancing herself by referring to things in the third person. I also took comfort from the "hoping to hear from you". I don't know if I'm scrabbling for crumbs. I do definitely open up more to someone looking, acting and sounding caring and she's not really like that. My mum is quite self-centred and responds badly to real or perceived criticism so I'm terrified of women (I'm bi with a preference for women too so that makes intimate relationships almost impossible too), especially if I tell them how I feel hurt or upset or angry with them. Even a slightly raised voice or defensiveness or even neutrality sends me into panic and self-destruct mode.

I need very very gentle handling through this.

I've emailed her back twice. Once to say that part of me wants to resolve it but the emotional part is the part that would turn up to session and she's less predictable and I'm scared that if I leave uncontained again I might ***trigger warning*** do something dangerous and stupid on the drive home. I sent another email a bit later asking whether she'd consider a phone session so I wouldn't have to deal with the drive.

Will see how she responds.

TYGR, phone sessions can be good! Good thinking. What also about Skype session? sometimes doing something quite different is good.

Not sure how to take her email. It left me a bit cold. but then again i am not that great with reading emails as the first 3 times i read them they make me angry until i keep reading and then i let my mind open up!!!!

Keep talking here.

Tygr,

It's a really personal decision and I suppose it depends on a few factors. When I have thought about terminating, I've asked myself a few questions. Sorry for the numbered list - it helps me think.

1. How much do I have invested in this relationship? My decision to quit would be different if I had spent a while with a T and our relationship had generally been okay, I mostly felt understood and this was a derailment, albeit a pretty powerful one, I might make the decision to stay and see if we could work through it (this sounds all very neat and logical - just to reassure you I would be quivering in my boots!)

If I'd only been seeing the T for a little while and/or hadn't managed to form a decent working relationship, then the decision would be clearer and personally I would lean towards finding someone better suited to my needs.

2. Does my T have the skills to work with whatever is coming up between us right now?

There is a lot at play here. Your genuine and legitimate feelings about her long break and how it was communicated to you and then how it links into feeling abandoned and not important.

It sounds like your T gets it, sort of, in her email where she says that she is concerned about you and "At present I think that you feel that I, like mother, do not hear your concerns or pain." but it's not easy to tell from that how well she is able to work with strong feelings that are brought up towards her. Do you know what sort of therapy she practices?

I'm less certain about the "maybe you're right". Therapy isn't about feeling better or making progress on anyone else's time scale but your own. Therapy also isn't about feeling good all the time after every session. Given the manner of your parting and then the unexpected long gap, it is really not a big leap of the imagination to understand why you are feeling so dreadful right now. It's not really reasonable to expect that you would be feeling relief currently - unless somehow she doesn't realise how deeply you have been affected.

3. Am I giving my T the information he/she needs to join me in working through this rupture?

Lots of us get locked into cycles where we withhold how we're feeling or what we actually need because it feels intensely vulnerable and dangerous. I have a history of this, which usually ended with me leaving with another piece of proof that people don't care. If the answer is no I'm not able to articulate what I need, then I might consider whether I'm going to feel safe enough to do that.

I don't know how much she knows about the depth of distress you felt - if she doesn't know just how bad it is and what you want from her, then she needs to if she is to help you contain it.

I hope that makes some sort of sense?!

Edited to add, I realise this post on re-read sounds a bit clinical and you mention you need gentleness - so I just wanted to let you know that I really do feel for you. I too experienced with a mother who did not take critisism well and made me responsible for her feelings from a very early age. So if there's anything in my post that feels uncaring or critical then it is totally unintentional and am totally fine for you to say so!

ps. I second SP's idea of tea.

Thanks all for the teas

She's a Jungian psychoanalytic psychotherapist. I've been seeing her weekly since January 2012. For several months I was having one and a half sessions - in one go - per week but I was made redundant and my financial circumstances changed so I switched from longer sessions down to regular sessions, then went to fortnightly sessions, then after just a month I couldn't cope with the gaps when we met fortnightly as too much happened in between and I felt I wasted too much time catching up so we went back to weekly as she offered to reduce her fee to half price for me. I've been back to weekly for a few months.

She's in her early 70s and quite often I wonder if her experience isn't always trading off favourably against her focus and acuity. But then I just think I exhaust her because I'm so difficult. I don't know if I'm genuinely difficult or I just believe I'm difficult. I am intense. I'm highly introspective anyway, even before therapy. In the middle gap session, I said that I wanted to get to the bottom of my issues and she rather resignedly said that it was a very long bottom to get to. I heard that as that she's given up and she doesn't believe she can help me. That was also the session that she repeatedly asserted that I should be taking anti-depressants and every time I tried to express my feelings about her holiday, getting myself more and more wound up and tearful, she brought up the anti-D's again.

As an aside, my medication stance is complicated. Generally I believe in more of a spiritual and psychological approach than chemical and I'm also query bipolar and have had a high induced by Prozac so GPs at my practice aren't currently prepared to give me anything until I've seen a P. NHS mental health services are woefully underfunded so I'm on a long waiting list for an assessment which might not materialise. I've also arranged to see an old university contemporary who is now a psychiatrist for an informal chat and opinion.

Sorry - long aside.

I'm an intellectual kind of person so I can think and distance from feelings until the cows come home but then my feelings burst out all over the place uncontrollably and unpredictably - especially anger. I suffer from anxiety but this is mostly anxiety about being triggered into painful emotional states and reacting inappropriately.

I find it hard to be in my feelings when I'm with someone. I find it really hard to be seen in a vulnerable state.

Right now, I'm struggling to remember many good times between me and T but I think my memory is clouded by the last few weeks. We were already rocky before the holiday came up. I feel that I spend most of my time telling her things I already know and that I'm not really making any new connections or insights into things. As she is supposed to work with the unconscious then this is worrying as all my sessions seem to be about things I'm already aware of.

She isn't qualified to comment on my bipolar suspicions and we've 'wasted' several sessions going over my experiences because I want some clarity on whether i was manic and whether there was an obvious trigger that I can strategise for (they tend to be emotional stressor induced) and she's been, I feel, inconsistent in her analysis - sometimes giving me the impression that she thinks I'm overexaggerating and then at other times seeming to agree with my labelling of episodes.

I'm in a big confusion without a diagnosis and am scared about getting a diagnosis. At the same time, label or not, I'm still me and my emotional reactions are what I want to get a better handle on.

Sorry. I know this is getting really long and not even answering any questions you asked.

I love Jung, read him extensively and a Jungian analyst is kind of my dream therapist. I think that might be making me stick with her longer than my actual feelings of making any progress. I think we've got into some really messy but incredibly important territory. However, it's the messy stuff that's incredibly threatening to me and needs kid gloves to keep me safe.

I'm highly likely not to hurt myself (seriously) as long as the part of me that's typing this post is in control. That younger bit that was lying on the verge wanting to be scooped up and carried into T's house and looked after, she is a lot more unpredictable and might do anything to get attention. I guess she's had enough of feeling ignored now

Interestingly enough I had a dream last night about being scooped up and carried off the road and my Mum had been reading emails between me and T and told me she was ripping me off and now she was going to look after me. Actually maybe it was a nightmare...

Well, I've just thought, obviously these depths of feelings and the dissociating and rage and urges to self-harm are unconsciously driven as I don't feel consciously in control of them so this is the important stuff to work through. It might just be my stupid brain deciding to over-dramatise it and create a big rupture. She forgot to warn me of the break though. That was her. I've told her I want to hear her reasoning for why that happened but this far she hasn't given me anything. I'm willing to accept my part in it; maybe I was acting in a way that made her forget or not want to take care of me properly IYSWIM?

Until she discusses it openly with me from her perspective, I just don't think I can trust her. I've lost trust in her and the process. And that's why I'm floundering. I don't know what to hold on to and use as my life raft at the moment (using the sea analogue from the other thread). I'd like a lilo. I reckon my seas are currently too stormy for a lilo though. I need a fully equipped RNLI lifeboat with full complement of crew, and maybe a helicopter with Prince William in it for good measure, just until the winds drop.

PS I'm feeling fine now. Like it was all a dream and happened to my twin sister. Seems like I'm making a big fuss about nothing. Frustrating.

((tygr))
i would have totally lost my trust in her too! i thought she should have worked extra hard considering her previous mistake with the break but instead i feel she only came half way. it might be just me and how i would feel. she does sound concerned about you no doubt about that but not so confident about how to help you. maybe its just me again and waiting to be rescued... plus those psychoanalytical email classes she took where she is careful not to tell you what to do!
it must be really hard, thinking of you.

puppet

Thanks for the hug Puppet

I've had a few tears this afternoon and some more anger. I popped into the GP surgery because I'm waiting for a letter to say my academic performance was affected on a course, and I know it's my NHS CBT counsellor's day in the surgery today - so that's T2 (although I don't have an appointment until next week) so I asked if I could leave her a message. She offered to lend me a mindfulness book and I felt weird about it so I said I'd get it from the library but they don't stock it. Anyway, the GP receptionist said why didn't I just go up and ask her myself. And I panicked that I'd get into trouble for breaking boundaries and trying to sneak an unscheduled session and so the receptionist went up and spoke to her and came back to say she was too busy to see me.

That's fine. It would've been nice bit I didn't expect it. A note would've been fine.

Anyway. I got home later to a voicemail from T2 apologising for being busy and saying she'd put the book in the post to me tomorrow so I'd have it by Saturday at the very latest and saying she hoped I was ok and just sounding so nice and concerned, I burst into tears.

I then panicked again that I was asking too much and what if her book got damaged or lost so I rang her office, knowing she wouldn't be there so I could leave a voicemail. Her colleague answered. I explained that I just wanted to tell T2 to bring the book to session next week and colleague said easily - oh don't you have her mobile number, would you like it?

So I panicked again, thinking I only wanted to leave a written note and now I'm somehow getting her mobile number but i asked colleague about the policy on calling and she said that it's fine to call her.

Well that was too much so I sent a text apologising for making a fuss. Of course I desperately wanted her to text or call back but she didn't and so I feel a bit rubbish about that too. I said when I started with T2 that I didn't want to be in a situation where I'm in the middle and playing the T's off against each other but it means that i dont feel i can discuss breaches with T1 with T2 even though it's one of the main issues on my mind at the moment.

Sorry. I can't tell a story in a short way.

Update:

So, it's been a strange few days.

On Thursday, I was due to babysit my nephews but I ended up having an impromptu session with a consult T. I was triggered into anger again because this time my GP let me down. I was promised a letter, changed all my plans to not spend the day with my nephews so i could get the letter, went to the surgery to be told the doctor had forgotten to write it.

I was scaring myself with my angry behaviour and dangerous driving and I know the local psychotherapist from a monthly workshop I attend with him, so I knocked on his door in distress and asked if he could spare a few minutes. I ended up there for 40 minutes and he was so lovely, kind and caring. Really listened and showed some real empathy. A very different style to my T. I told him what had happened with the break and he said I must be furious. He made my anger seem valid and justified. I brought up the anti-depressants response and he disagreed that that was what I needed. He did recommend more than once weekly sessions with my T and that I should talk this through with her.

I did approach him to be my T two years ago but he isn't taking on clients and he recommended my T. I'm not so keen on his theoretical approach but I do find men easier to be vulnerable with. He re-emphasised that he's not taking on new clients. I think all I wanted was an external perspective.

Then I did come to visit my sister and found out some really bad and shocking news about her husband that is triggering and I can't write about on here because I'm not sure about the rules on sensitive material that might trigger others.

It's meant that rather than a nurturing and relaxing visit, it's been rather emotionally fraught and I'm looking forward to leaving and haven't had any chance to discuss what's been going on with me.

So, my next session with T is tomorrow. I requested and she's agreed to a phone session so I don't end up freaking out outside her house for hours afterwards. I'm nervous. I have a fear of using the phone anyway and I'm not sure whether a phone session is more or less risky emotionally.

I'm really, really worried about it.

I guess the option to term is always there. I want to work through this horrendous rage and self-harming urges but not necessarily with her.

Please just let it be contained and safe.

***Trigger - dramatic rupture ***

I think I've quit.

I wasn't sure whether to do phone or in person session today but decided on in-person, got stuck in traffic so was running late. Rang her at appointed time to say everything had gone wrong and I was going to be late (having had a panic attack about being late) and that as i was next to a main road doing phone session wasn't practical and she in effect said there's no point coming. I hung up on her. Felt my anger rising, felt a danger to myself, called her back and said you have to see me as otherwise I'll hurt myself, that's not a threat but that's how I feel. She said (panicky) come here now then. I said I'm trying to get there as quick as I can.

When I arrived (about 15 mins late) she was harsh on me - saying that why was I allowing myself to get in these states, turning up late (2nd time late in 18 months) and not engaging in the process. I was dissociating so I closed my eyes and sat in silence. She said that I might feel like curling up and going to sleep but I was there to work and if I wasn't going to try then there was no point coming. She said some other things. I tried to say some things. Then I stormed out.

Wandered up road kicking stones and pulling up grass, broke a for sale sign off it's pole. Decided to go back and try again. Went in to office and said I wanted to leave door open. I wanted an escape route. She was hard again. Asking me why I was wasting time when now there was only 10 minutes left of the session. No idea what happened in next bit but I said that I was worried about leaving and I was worried to tell her why because of how she might react. She asked if I thought she might react in an unreliable way. I said yes. I took a deep breath and told her that I was worried about keeping myself safe. She said I must go to A&E. I said that I don't want to go to A&E (I've been having thoughts for several weeks and not acting on them) and she said - are you refusing to take any responsibility for yourself? At this point I swore - FFS - walked out, slammed the door. Reversed at speed, wheel spin, gravel flying everywhere, spun car round, she came out of her office, I was distracted by that, realised I was accelerating straight for her gatepost, swerved, hit her wall, reversed, drove off at high speed, still gravel flying everywhere, hit another low rock and sped off.

Stopped at nearest lay by to discover I have damaged my car - a bit of trim on the bumper has snapped off.

I'm not proud of what I did but clearly this is huge transference and she isn't helping me to defuse it at all. Everything she says makes me feel worse.

She emailed me a couple of hours later to say again she recommends I go to A&E.

Instead I've been at my neighbour's house and they've been looking after me.

I can't go back. She can't help me. I've wasted 18 months and thousands of pounds

Another question she asked me, when I had my eyes screwed shut, terrified:

Are you worried you might be ruining another relationship.

WTF? Who's ruining this relationship?

Yes, I'm reacting but she started it by forgetting to tell me then taking absolutely NO responsibility for it.

tygr,

that sounds awful, i'm really sorry. it's really hard to get through this kind of stuff with a t. anger is an especially hard emotion to process... (or understand, or a million things!). the question she asked sounds like something my t would ask... trying to understand/get at feelings but it often only works if there is a good foundation. very ill timed to ask, and asked in a really challenging way.

i'm glad you were not hurting hitting the wall and, i hope you will go to a&e if you need to. i'm so glad you've been at your neighbour's house and are taking good care of yourself.

it does sound like your t was being harsh, or at least very direct. i guess it depends on the history she has w/ you talking about hurting yourself but i'm surprised she didn't call someone, especially with the driving (too keep you safe, ya know?). i go in to suicidal crisis sometimes (enough i've had to take myself to a&e) but my t and p know i can/will take care of myself, maybe that is how your t is with you also?

if your t is making you want to hurt yourself, and i unfortunately say this with experience, you need to find another t to either help you resolve this relationship, or to leave this one. it sets up a horrible therapy, and a relationship that just can't work. it doesn't sound like you want to go back and this t is really triggering

i wish there was something i could say to make it better.

I was worried she'd call the police but I don't think she has my address. I didn't ever fill in a contact form when I started. So she has no next of kin details or any details apart from my name and my email address.

So where could she tell them to find me?

I want the therapy to work but it isn't and It's hard get myself out of these feelings once I'm in them. I need very gentle coaxing to feel safe not whatever it is she was doing.

2am. Can't write more. Thank you for your response. I'll answer properly another time.

xxx

So sorry Tygr. Really so sorry. I often feel very angry like this so I know the feelings can be so damaging.

Try not to think too much in the next little while. Let your mind and body and emotions catch up with each other. Don't think words. Think nothing. Be blank for a while and take the pressure of the processing inside your head.

I wouldn't be able to go back if it was me. I think your T was particularly harsh and not empathetic when she needed to be.

SOmedays

This is real isn't it? I'm not just making a fuss? Because tonight I was feeling really low and down and horrible and my Mum rang and I haven't spoken to her for a couple of weeks (I always ring her, she rarely rings me) and we ended up talking for 90 minutes and I've told her a lot about what I'm going through and all the needs I'm trying to get net from my therapist which were probably not met by my mum have now kinda been met by my mum and I'm feeling like a total drama queen and can't understand what on earth is going on.

So, as the thread is suitably ***trigger warning*** ed - the family thing with my brother in law was that he said he wanted to kill himself so my sister called an ambulance and he's now having intensive therapy - on the NHS - whereas I've been struggling on my own for decades and am on a long waiting list for just one assessment appointment.

Anyway, he didn't make an attempt. He just told my sister about the thoughts. I might sound heartless but I'm not. I am envious, angry, shocked, as well as relieved and more compassionate things.

So, these rages and feelings that are coming up towards T are EXACTLY the feelings I went into therapy to deal with so if we could work through them, it could be totally life changing and transformational. Which is probably why I'm having so much scary resistance to it. But I've been having these scary emotional reactions for a few weeks now and they're getting worse not better and I don't feel in control. I NEED to work through this stuff but I'm at a loss as to how to do it safely. Maybe it can't be done with her but surely if it could then that would be the best way for me to heal? Or will it just traumatise me more?

Big hugs for everyone. Posting on my phone so difficult to respond individually.

She's terminated me.

(((tygr)))

It must be so hard even when it is probably for the best. Thinking of you.

tygr - well, that's taken it out of your hands, now. I would probably be raging inside because I so hate having choices taken away from me. I truly hopes this works out for the best - as you seemed to be indicating that you were done with her anyway. But any way you do it is hard, and I'm sorry you're going through this.


-RT

Crying. Panicking. Been on phone to Sanaritans. Can't handle this. So upset. Why????

She's basically repeated my pattern. Why????

I thought therapists were supposed to help not just repeat the same old pattern.

I'm devastated.

You wrote in your email on Monday that “I can’t work with you” and “I think that I would quite like to quit” and on the 27th: “I'm considering not coming back again. It's not doing me any good. In fact, it's doing me harm and it's just not sensible to be putting myself through this at the moment”. I wrote in response “you may be right. I too can’t see that you are getting any relief through coming at the moment. As you know I am very concerned about you” and referred you to your doctor whom I would ask you to contact again now.


I feel that a psychodynamic approach to therapy is not the best way for you at the moment and that the CBT on offer from the health service has become a more appropriate approach considering how you are now feeling.


I am sorry that our work ends in this way but that is what needs to happen; after the incident on Monday I feel that our therapeutic alliance has sadly broken down.


With good wishes to you and I do hope that you can now access the services you need.


Fiona

She's very selectively quoted from my emails too. I said that unless she accepts her part [in current difficulties - ie the break] then I can't work with her.

oh tygr I'm so sorry ((tygr)) I'm glad you rang Samaritans and hope you will again if you need to, and to reach out here as well. Sometimes old patterns do get repeated with Ts and it is truly devastating.

I do not understand why Ts continually terminate through e-mail... even if we are addressing it through e-mail they should address this stuff in session. This sort of thing leaves the wound so open.

It's so frustrating. I still believe that we could've worked through this and it had the power to be really transformational and healing. I just needed her to be really gentle, kind and caring but instead she took a hard, scolding approach, which was so triggering to me. In that last session, I was terrified. I basically have ended a 20 month relationship by storming out in fear and anger and crashing my car.

I've spoken at length by text to my ex gf as she knows me better than anyone and I need reassurance that I'm not a bad person who everyone hates. She did reassure me but the thoughts still creep in. What should I have done differently. Could I have stopped the intensity of the feelings and suppressed them to keep things stable but I thought therapy was about saying everything I feel - including the scary and angry stuff?

I was punished as a child for expressing myself and she has done exactly that. 19 months of perfectly fine. She makes an error, I react with extreme intensity and she dumps me.

And now, I either leave therapy for good because it's a pile of pants or I have to start all over again with someone new. Bloomin heck.

Thanks SP

I'm incredibly on edge. I had an assessment at the hospital for a pain clinic with a doctor and a psychologist and walked out after 5 minutes because the psychologist was winding me up so much. Ended up in tears in the acute mental health ward opposite and they talked to me and gave me coffee. Then took me back. The head of the entire pain management service - another psychologist - then came to talk to me and I poured everything out. He said that I could access psychology through them but that I could also be referred by my GP to another psychology department without going through the CMHT but as I was now in the CMHT system of this week, would he like me to call them and find out the latest? I agreed.

Bearing in mind my CBT counsellor was hoping that they'd have assessed me before I next see her in two weeks, the answer he was given was that within 8 weeks they are aiming to assess me. So that's another 2 months.

And I only have 7 of my 10 CBT sessions left on the NHS, then I'm discharged and to get any other psychological services, I'll be back on another long waiting lists. It took 7 months to get these 10 sessions and 6 months to get to the point of being 2 months aways from a psych assessment.

So, my therapist telling me she was stopping therapy to enable me to access the services I need through the NHS is bull.

I came on here because I want to send her an email telling her how low she is and how much she's hurt me. Should I?

Too late for advice. I sent it. I feel better for telling her what I think of her and how misguided she is about the NHS.

I still don't think it's over but maybe that's me being an idiot. If she only understood what she'd done then she'd take me back and carry on but then so many people are telling me, and I think too, that she wasn't right for me.

This is so weird. I don't know if I'm ill or liberated or able to cope with setting up a new business, or need to go off sick or need to find a new therapist ASAP or stick two fingers up to the whole of psychology or what really.

Mixed up.

Hello

Just been researching the complaints procedure for the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. I don't want to go down a formal route, it takes 6-9 months for a start and would be incredibly stressful and I dare say, she's covered herself by saying that I need to see a doctor and go to A&E so I don't have a leg to stand on. I don't want to 'punish' her but I do want validation from someone that I really tried to make this work and have been badly let down. I feel that she's punished me. And that hurts.

(((Tygr))) I don't know if you read my thread re my termination last weekend by e-mail; but I just wanted to say I know what you're going through. Like you I wanted to make a complaint and got as far as downloading the official forms from The Counselling Society.

quote:

I don't want to 'punish' her but I do want validation from someone that I really tried to make this work and have been badly let down. I feel that she's punished me. And that hurts.

Those were my feelings exactly, and I've realised I can't make the complaint. I understand your pain totally.

((tygr))
i'm so sorry she took this decision out of your hands! she could have at least waited for things to end more naturally, it seemed you were considering quitting anyway and maybe you could have had a mutual decision to end and for you to find someone better suited. it sounds like she cant deal with you in crisis, which means, she has no business being a T (or at least your T). maybe she recognised that she was out of her depth, but instead of trying to do something about it, she covered her arse and terminated you by email.
((AV)) i'm so sorry you've been so hurt by your T who meant so much to you as well...

i dont know if i can say anything helpful... but dont be silent about your injustice, keep writing here, telling other people, another T, write your T a letter (or hate mail), whatever you can think of to express your pain and injustice and to not keep it inside you (because it wasnt anything to do with you!) tygr, would it help to talk to that psychotherapist in your neighbourhood again?

puppet

Yes it would help to talk to him again but fortunately for him and unfortunately for me, he's on holiday in Greece for 3 weeks.

He did ask me to email him to let him know how I was doing but told me he wouldn't read emails until his return so I had sent him a couple and then forwarded the termination email to him.

He has been very very clear that he cannot be my T. I don't know why but that's his choice so I know he won't take me on as a client but he might at least allow me to talk to him a little bit. It was him that said rather than quitting with her, I should be seeing her 3 times a week to get through this but that was before the last session of course.

Av, no I haven't but I'll find and read it. I'm sorry you're going through this too. It sucks. It totally sucks. (((AV)))

Hurting!

How come she makes a big mistake and I feel punished for it?

Can I vent? Is that ok?

My behaviour is now volatile.

On Friday, I walked out of a pain assessment and ended up in tears. Then I found out that my P assessment is still up to 8 weeks away. I haven't been eating very well so I thought I'd buy myself lunch at a local shop/ cafe but in response to the server telling me that they'd stopped serving food, I pushed a load of stock off the shelves in anger.

Yesterday, I lost my temper at my car being blocked in (a big issue for me anyway and one I've been angry at several times before) but this time I threw the boots I was holding and smashed a window.

I then described all this on another forum and was persuaded that I was in crisis.

I ended up phoning the mental health crisis team as I'd been given the number but was told I'm not eligible for their help. Then I phoned the out of hours GP but he was abrupt when he spoke to me on the phone so I clammed up and froze and told him what'd happened in a detached way and be said that there wasn't really anything he could do by phone and to make a GP appointment.

Today I've just watched tv, feeling totally detached. It's only now that the feelings about therapy are coming back. Tomorrow should be the session and it'll be the first Monday after termination.

This sucks so much. There is so much I need to talk about and need help with right now. This is a cruel thing for her to have done. Yes, I was thinking about quitting but I was only thinking about it and I still think she could've handled things so much better. But then maybe this is the lesson that I need to learn? Maybe people who aren't right for you can never be right?

I think I'm ok. Its impirtant not to panic. I'm finding my anger manageable today.

I've told absolutely everyone I can think of what is happening, including exT by email. I have an outstanding call to my NHS counsellor's colleague, to see whether there's any interim support while my counsellor is away next week. I'm seeing my pdoc friend on Sat and have a GP appt booked on 17th Sept. I don't want to go in for an emergency GP appt as I'll get the locum and I've seen her twice recently and all she does is write a letter.

The out of hours GP should email my GP so they'll know I called this weekend.

I'm ok. I have a roast dinner in the oven and I'm trying to take good care of myself now. I'm doing ok.

I am so angry with her.

I made a last minute GP appointment today and have been signed off as unfit to seek work for a month so it gives me some breathing space with the job centre.

I rang BACP to enquire about complaining but I unfortunately missed the call back as I was at the doctors and she'd gone home by the time I rang back.

My session would have been at 4 today. It's now gone 5pm and it's so weird. I'm so angry that I'm in this position trying to deal with all the stress and fallout of it by myself.

I can't get hold of T2's colleague so I'm kind of on my own without any counselling support at all.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

How are you doing now Tygr?

Hey turtle

Thanks for asking. I was doing ok. I am doing ok. Anger and pain are diminishing day by day but tonight I'm sad and hurting. I feel like I'm too much, too intense and my feelings get misinterpreted. When I'm hurting and scared, I end up scaring people away when I most need them. I'm lying in bed now thinking how desperately I want and need a hug.

My house sale exchanged on Friday which meant I left it for the last time this morning. I haven't lived in it for 3 years but I'm still sad too about letting it go.

Just sad, I think, and wondering what on earth comes next.