Ok...I'm sleeping...for a change. But I wake up at 3am from a dream. I'm dreaming about things I left in the house, things I collected that meant something to me (like a hawaiian lei, a patriotic art piece, a blue patchwork comforter..pictures of my children as babies). Then my dream jumps to me throwing everything away that I had in the house I was renting, different decorations, clothes, anything that reminded me of my marriage and all the pain I experienced as a result of the split. I sit up in bed and all the sudden I'm crying, like it just happened. I was crying over how I threw out everything and the manner in which I did it. It was like, I wanted to throw it all away, get rid of any of it so I would be reminded of anything that would upset me. But I was sort of flat when I was actually throwing out everything a year ago. I had this mad determination to just hurry up throw it away and be done with it, it was all false anyway and it only brought me pain so thats what I did I sold most of my belongings and through the rest out. Things like the vest I used to wear when we took trips on the bike, a plaq presented to me for my part as spouse in his retirement ceremony, just so many things it's even choking me up thinking about it now. WTH???? Why did I do that? What was it representing? Was I subconciously punishing myself? It feels terrible...its like I've invalidated the past 24 years of my life. ugghhh....I swear I sometimes think I am hoplessly off my rocker.