In my last session with my T, I just shut down.
When I came in, we made some small talk. Then, she asked me what I wanted to focus the session on. I didn't know. She asked me what I thought about on the way to therapy. I told her that I thought about how I didn't want to be going to therapy. She said that this was "my" therapy and I didn't have to stay, that I could leave if I would rather be somewhere else.
After that, I just stopped talking. I didn't know what I wanted to stay. It is the first time I have ever just...not talked. It felt gratifying somehow to not have to say anything, to not even try to go through the motions. In my head, I kept thinking about how I'd been in the same situation before with a different T, and I had actually left that time. When that happened, I was totally dysfunctional and depressed. I felt different during the session with my current T--stronger, I guess--and like, if I did decide to walk out the door, it would be different this time around.
T asked me if I thought she had implied that she wanted wanted me to leave. I didn't totally respond to the question--just changed the topic for a moment, then went quiet again. Then, I told her that my mom used to always tell me, if I don't have something nice to say than I shouldn't say anything. I told T that talking to her, and talking to her office staff, made made me feel stressed, and that I never knew what to say to her when she asked what I wanted to talk about. That I was always just flustered and making shallow conversation because I felt overwhelmed. I said that I felt like I was failing therapy, like there was some secret key I didn't have. I said I couldn't believe I was still having this conversation.
We've had similar conversations before about therapy not working, and I know they frustrate my T. They are frustrating for me, too.
T kept asking me what she could do to make it better, but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't see any realistic solutions. I told her that I didn't know how to fix it, and she said that she wasn't asking me to, that she wanted to know what she could do to help.
I still don't know why I was acting the way that I did. I've never sat stubbornly in silence for half of a session before--that's 20-30 minutes. I felt very small, very young almost, and yet very "in the moment." I am a little embarrassed about it all.
Anyway, it was a really weird, really different kind of session. I don't know what to say next time. I want to apologize, but at the same time I don't. When I think about it too much, I really hate myself for it. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish or change by acting this way. I'm curious what T will say next week. I wonder if this is all a sign that I'm just not in a place to really engage in therapy right now. I wonder if (or, more like, when) T will tell me that.
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FWIW that's happened to me LOTS of times. My T never chooses the topic. She ALWAYS waits for me to start the conversation. Always. And it always makes me intensely uncomfortable. Sometimes it's quiet for quite a while. But she's really good at waiting. 
Eventually I get so uncomfortable that I just pick something and start. Often times the awkwardness of starting fades away as I get into whatever it is I'm talking about. Once in a while, I feel like I just kind of stumble around, and don't ever really get into any one subject. But the starting ALWAYS feels really, really weird.
When my T is quiet, and there's all that space, I kind of freeze because I have no idea who she wants me to be. And there's nowhere to hide. 
It's the first time I've had someone let me do that. And stepping into it feels terribly awkward...kind of like learning to walk for the first time. 
I told her that I felt like I was going in circles. And just the last couple of sessions, I've noticed her taking more of a lead in the sessions, asking more specific questions about things I've already talked about, going "deeper" so to speak. But I think she had to wait until I got it all out there first before she did that...because she didn't want to risk me trying to be whoever I thought she might want me to be.