quote:

So, how do you know when you're actually ready to leave or are just afraid of going deeper?

I wonder about this all the time! No clue what the answer is as yet.

I wonder the same thing, Kashley. I don't necessarily want to leave just yet, but I think about my progress and if I'm making any...and if anything would be different with another T. I have such trouble trusting and opening up. I just feel lots of shame. I wonder if it's all me or part me and part my T...and would I feel more trusting and be able to go deeper with someone else.

It's so hard. This process is so hard and it's so grey. Therapy is rarely ever black and white. It's hard to know exactly where we stand and if we're ready to leave or if we're just avoiding something deeper. Or avoiding the pain the attachment has brought up.

Last month when you thought about quitting, did you talk to your T about it? I'm wondering if you did, what she said. What do you think she'd say if you told her how you're feeling now?

(((RT))) (((HIC))) (((Cat))) (((Erica))) Thanks for the responses!

RT - Interesting question...I don't know that I had very specific goals. I did go into therapy mainly because I couldn't feel anything, and, for the most part, I think that's changed. I do think that I have a lot more work to do working on relationships, being open with people, etc. And I still have a lot of trouble with some of those ingrained, automatic thoughts, especially about myself. A lot of times, I do still feel worthless, I still have bad coping skills that I use way too often.. so I'm not sure really where I am in my journey.

((HIC)) Hopefully we can both figure it out eventually...

Cat - Yes, I'm feeling the same lack of need for T as well, and I do find it very strange. The thing that is KILLING me is that at the beginning of the year, T told me she was planning on retiring within the next year or year and a half. So I'm terrified that even if I just take a break for a few months, she could be retiring, or close to retiring, by the time I come back or if I ever do want to come back.

I also kind of resonate with the feeling of resting...I feel like that, too. So many other things in my life are wearing me out right now - after 3 years of pretty intense therapy, I don't know that I'm eager to delve into deep stuff again.

Erica - I also wonder if things would be different with another T. My wonderings about that have amped up like crazy recently, because I'm in a therapy group for sexual abuse/assault survivors, and it's actually more of a CBT based group. I thought I'd really hate it, but it's not strictly CBT, it incorporates other parts of trauma work, but I'm starting to wonder if I've done what I can with the psychodynamic/eclectic approach to therapy and maybe I need a different approach. It feels like a betrayal of my T to feel that way, although I know she'd be okay with it..

I did talk to T about possibly quitting. The circumstances were a bit different then, because we just had a rupture, which was actually repaired in part due to that conversation. She was open with me, gave me the option to stay or go depending on what I felt was best for me. I decided to stay, because I felt like we still had some work to do.

As I mentioned to Cat, my T has plans to retire in the somewhat near future. So I also don't know if I'm pushing her away and detaching to avoid any pain from that. Because that's completely possible as well... I've felt like things haven't quite been the same since she told me her plans to retire.

Thank you guys - you've given me a lot to think about. I see T on Monday. Hopefully I can have the guts to bring this conversation up again.

Hey Kashley, yeah, I've been following your story..what you've been brave enough to share here. I did remember that your T is retiring at some point in the future. I was going to say something about that but didn't want to overstep my boundary. I do think that could be a possibility though. Self-protection. Good luck on Monday.

Hey Kashley are you familiar with the detached protector mode from schema therapy (jeff young) - this might help you figure out whether you're cutting off from underlying anger or vulnerability or not.

After three years of therapy, you've probably become quite skilled in working on your issues. I have many of the same issues, and I have come to realize that resting is important and part of the process. This type of therapy is extremely hard and painful. Resting allows you to implement your growth into your life and benefit from it. I quit my therapy after about four years, when I found myself resting for months at a time. It was painful, but I think it was the right decision. I discovered that I was better able to work on the really painful issues (recovery of the emotions I experienced during the assualt) without my therapist, because I found it too difficult to face these memories and maintain the relationship with him - I was experiencing fear from our relationship which prevented me from accessing the emotions. He realized this and encouraged me to leave. He told me that I had more to do, but that I didn't necessarily have to do it in therapy. There was a lot of wisdom to what he said.

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I have very recently stopped feeling the NEED for T that I used to have. It is really strange; I feel like I could just stop therapy and be fine.

I find this pretty cool, actually. And it doesn't necessarily mean you're shutting down, ready to leave, or any of that. On the contrary, it sounds to me like there is finally a secure attachment with T.

It's funny that this comes up now, because I have been feeling the same way about my NT. In the past I worked with my NT every week. This past August we switched to every other week. I thought that switch would be impossible, and it felt that way for several months. It was only after a recent rupture that we quickly repaired, that I realized I am FINALLY securely attached to her.

By that, I mean that now, finally, I don't feel that desperate longing to connect with her constantly (or nearly constantly) instead I feel quite comfortable in our relationship. I've recently shifted to every three weeks, which at the beginning, I thought would be as bad as death. But I was extremely surprised to find that the longing is still not there. Instead, I was very happy to see NT the other day, but didn't feel desperate for her like I did for the first 18 months we worked together.

Dunno if that fits, it's just my two cents on the situation

(p.s. Kashley - you've been doing some awesome work with T, don't let whatever this hiccup is overshadow that!)

Thanks to you all..

Erica - Yeah, I think you could be right that this might be self-protection. ((hugs))

GE - Wow..after looking that up, that's something that fits me and my personality completely. Thank you for pointing that out. I'm going to have to consider that a little more. But that "mode" is so me.

BlueIce - It's nice to meet you - welcome to the forum! It's interesting why you stopped therapy. It sounds like that was a really healthy thing for you to do. In some ways, I think it would be a mistake for me to stop therapy to access my emotions regarding everything, because I already withdraw from others and avoid sharing personal things with people, even when they're safe.


R2G - I didn't think about this being a sign of secure attachment..that's interesting. There's still some part of me that doesn't quite trust her, but for the most part, I do trust her. For three years she's always remained the same, she's always open and honest with me and just lets me be me. So yes, I guess I can see why that would foster secure attachment. For some reason I feel like I missed out on something though, which is part of my sadness (or something like that) that I feel this way. Although I have a feeling that it's the sadness that I can't and didn't get this earlier, when I was a child. That's hard to come to grips with. It's hard to accept it now when I know I really needed it back then, you know?

I also don't feel that desperate need to see T anymore. I don't live from week to week. I could probably go a few weeks and be okay. And maybe I'll talk to T tomorrow about going to sessions every couple weeks, even just for a little while, to see how it goes.

Thanks for saying I've been doing good work...it's hard for me to see that.

Anyway, thanks to you all. Hopefully I can talk to T about all of this tomorrow and get a little more insight as to what's going on with me..

I quit today. Or maybe I'm just taking a break..I don't know yet. Three years and I gave my T 5 minutes of warning.

I might be back to say more on this later, I'm not sure.

I can't believe I did that..I'm not that kind of person to quit anything like that. And I did originally say that I'd want to do one more session to discuss everything, but then I changed my mind and said I wanted this to be the last one.

The first thing T asked when I told her I need to take a break from therapy is if I am going to kill myself. I was surprised at this, although I can see how my demeanor throughout the session could cause her to think that.

I hope T knows how much I appreciate her and everything she's done for me. I was in such a fog that I didn't say any of that. Although we did hug. And she said she'd miss me.

Maybe I'm childish for doing this, but any work feels pointless because of her impending retirement. It's this ticking time bomb. And I don't want to get closer to her knowing that it's going to have to end soon. It makes sense to me now, why I've numbed out the past few weeks. I was preparing to do this even though I didn't consciously make the decision until the middle of my session today.

In the most recent group therapy session, I left feeling completely defeated. I told T today that my taking a break could either be progressive or it could be me giving up, but I said that if I had to lean one way or another, it would be towards the idea that I'm giving up. She said it was okay to give up if I want to.

I did ask her, though, if I change my mind next week if I could call her, and she said I could. I feel guilty for doing this to my T after we've worked together for so long. This is the first impulsive thing I've ever done in all of our time together...Heck of a way to give in to my impulses.