i so know the feeling TAS...
sorry i have nothing useful to say... just try to hang in there...

puppet

(((((TAS))))))

I hope you are ok Tas. Just keep trying. Keep trying. I have been through what you are saying - it is better when you get through it, but you have to keep trying to get to that point.

Your T is a great T - trust in him. He is there for you even though you might not feel it or think it.

Somedays.

(((((TAS)))))

How are you doing? What's going on?

I am so frustrated with myself. Therapy is about opening up...revealing yourself. I shut down automatically. So, why go if you don't have the ability to open up?

The problem is not with the Therapist. The problem is me.

Thank you for your replies, the hugs and warm wishes.

((((TAS))))

I know it's hard not to beat yourself up but try not to. It IS hard. So many people start and then quit or never go at all. You have to give yourself so much credit for how much work you have done.

Hey, why not take a break to take some of the pressure off but not give up your slot completely? Have you thought about bringing a puzzle in for the times when it too hard to talk?

Does your T complain about you not talking?

Tas, go easy on yourself. You're doing something that's really hard to do.

TAS, don't give up, darn it. You have put in some really good work. Maybe you should look at it like a diet. You lose a bunch of weight, then you start to level off when you get closer to your goal. Maybe you are just leveling off after putting in some really hard, good work. I am not saying you are close to your therapy goal but maybe the stuff you learned just needs to sit and marinate awhile.

Look, I have a terrible time talking in therapy. My T actually told me, she has never met anyone who has a harder time opening up than me and she has been doing this for forever. But if I stop going, that doesn't make me talk more. I ask her for some help talking when I get stuck and thankfully she does. She wants me to succeed also.

So please don't give up. Maybe you do need a little break but continue with your journey. I think you will happy in the end that you did.

Thank you Blu and Becca

I just have to figure out how to do something I naturally don't do, due to my past. It certainly is not an excuse, definitely a hurdle. I see the irony in all of this.

I think of the first eighteen years of my life, trauma after trauma and the coping skills I learned protected me. Shutting down, stripping me away to stay safe and now, in order to heal, those things have to be undone. So, we learn behaviors and ways of coping that get us through and then we have to overcome them to get us through life.

awwww, TAS! i recently said good-bye to my T as well. i'm still trying to piece everything together, but i know what you mean about undoing all the protective coping skills. it's against everything you've ever known, so of course it's going to be difficult! you've done a lot of good work, though. maybe you can just call this a break, and maybe continue at some point after you've integrated what you've learned thus far? i'd just hate to see you discontinue, because i'm wondering if the behaviors and ways of coping that got you by in your youth are the ways that you want to live the rest of your life? just something to think about. whatever you decide, i've always read your posts because they were always raw and real. i trust that even if you do decide to not continue therapy, you will continue to examine your life and discover healthier and more meaningful ways to live it. good luck to you in whatever you decide ((( TAS )))

Closed Doors Thank you. I now understand why therapy is called w o r k.

I didn't know you had stopped going to therapy. Are you glad you made the decision? What brought you to that point? (If you don't mind the question).

TAS I'm sorry to hear you've quit, but considering the really hard times you've been having in therapy, maybe it's self preservation and the right thing for you at this time.

Therapy is (apparently!) no walk in the park but I gather it's not supposed to be that difficult or painful that you can't function in day to day life and if it seems like it's all a bit too much, then yeah, getting some distance from it is a self caring thing to do.

Like others have suggested, maybe see this as taking a break rather than as a door slamming exercise and give yourself time to think about things without the pressure of therapy hanging over you all the time.

For what it's worth, at the end of my three year stint in therapy earlier this year I just quit cold turkey. I'd had enough of therapists who not only didn't help me but therapy ending up making me feel worse and less and less understood. I just decided one day to quit and that was that.

Gave myself time to think about it and decided to go back and visit a former T, just to have someone to talk to... so even if you have quit with T, it needn't be the end of therapy altogether, unless you decide so.

Did you talk to T about quitting or did you just leave on the spur of the moment? It *might* be helpful to talk it over with him, that's always advisable anyway, just in case you want to leave the door open to go back.

Well enough advice and suggestions from me, hope that whatever you decide, you are comfortable with the decision.

LL

TAS, i don't mind at all. for me, therapy was quite the beast! i'm not even sure i can put it into words, but i'll try.

i never liked going to therapy. i never looked forward to going. there was always a feeling of dread. i suffered alot of anxiety with just the meer thought of going to therapy. i (or perhaps T ) suffered alot of negative transference.

on the flip side, i liked my T a lot. although i dreaded being in the spotlight, ruminated over what i'd bring to session to talk about (rarely did i have anything!), hated the feeling of being disrobed, there was also a deep feeling of comfort. of the "being held" that i've read so much about. i believe that's what kept me going back. i felt as though the dude was not only listening to me, but really understood me! this both intrigued me and freaked me out!

so, for me, therapy was a bit of a paradox. this alone was very difficult to resolve. actually, i can't even say it WAS resolved! maybe another day (i rather hope). i quit therapy because i have other health needs that require my attention. in short, i had to make a difficult decision. i put that session off, and even within that session i put off talking about what i needed to talk about. it was a difficult decision and a difficult session.

my last session was on Nov 20. since then, i have to say that i do feel alot of relief. i put a LOT of undue pressure on myself to perform according to how i thought T would want me to perform, and i (in my mind) failed miserably. that's all i CAN do when under the spotlight! i know this is more about transference than i care to admit. i do hope that some day i can return to my same T. if not my T, i rather doubt that i will ever return to therapy. it took me two months to finally pick up the phone from the time my doctor made the referral to the time i actually took action. it is very difficult for me to ask for help, or anything for that matter.

i know this is kind of scattered, but that's kind of the way i live my life. i hope it helps answer your question TAS. i am thinking about you and hope you can keep us posted. in the meantime, do take good care of yourself.

(((TAS))))

How are you doing? Did you go back?