Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
14 replies

sibling crisis

L lieseMember
I had a rough week with my siblings. Sunday was my brother's bday and 5 years to the day that my father died. My relationship with my brother has been strained. He's an alcoholic and he's dying of melanoma. They gave him a year. He lives with my Mom now and he's never really held a job.

I have been putting aside old resentments since his cancer got more aggressive. He seemed to be handling his anger better. But within 5 minutes of me arriving at his bday party, his anger reared its ugly head toward my son and my H and I grabbed the kids and walked out.

T said I did the right thing.

Then on Tuesday, I find out that my sister has been sleeping in her car. Her situation is way too complicated to sum up in a couple of sentences but suffice it to say that she has never been a favorite of my mother's and my brother - who has done some really reprehensible things gets a warm bed while my sister sleeps in her car. What does this tell me about the woman who raised me?

It took me all day to get in touch with my sister. She finally answered her phone and came over. I gave her dinner and a bed. I can't get too involved in her problems because they are huge and complex. But I did what I could.

Thank goodness I saw T yesterday and was able to fill him in on everything. BUT, all those great feelings from my session with him last week are gone because of what has gone on this week with my family.

I feel so triggered, like I'm going to fall off the edge of the earth kind of triggered. I just can't get over this pain. I don't think I'll ever be normal. I don't think I'll never be able to form nice relationships with stable people. I'm losing hope fast.

I don't know why all this stuff threw me so much this week. It's as if I was walking along doing just fine, even good, and then someone came by and pulled the carpet out from underneath me. Did I pull the carpet out? If my siblings are so unstable and I know this, why am I letting all their stuff affect me so much when I have my own things to focus on?

I hadn't even really talked to my sister in about a month. But just hearing that she was sleeping in her car and that she did something that she thought was the right thing but was really the act of a desperate made woman, and that she didn't have anyone else to go to, just tore me apart.

How do I pull myself together and go on with my life as if nothing has happened?

Thanks for listening.

xoxo

Liese
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

L lieseMember
Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. I Am scared. I tried to do something good but it always seems to backfire. I stand
Up for myself and hurt others in the process. Life is too complicated for me. I don't get it. Why do we all have to Hurt so much when we all just need the same thing?

Please tell me why it can't be easier.
N ninnMember
quote:
If my siblings are so unstable and I know this, why am I letting all their stuff affect me so much when I have my own things to focus on?


Liese,

I'm sorry for what you're going through with your family. You seem like such a compassionate person. You care a lot. I don't know why you are letting their stuff affect you, but the same thing happens to me, when it comes to my sister and mother (I seem to bring their names up in therapy a lot). I struggle to find my "place" with them. I visited my sister (she lives in another state) last April and at one point I gave her a hug and said, "I love you, but I just ache for a normal conversation with you." She started to cry. I think family therapy would really help my family, but, she's in another state, so it isn't going to happen. I long for a different (closer) relationship with my sister....where I can call her up and she's my best friend. I told T, it will never happen. It makes me sad.

I don't know why, either, that it can't be easier.

I'm not sure I'm helping, I just wanted you to know I listened and care.

L lieseMember
Oh Ninn,

Thanks for your understanding. And just in case anyone has wondered, one of my favorite books from adolescence was by Judy Blume and entitled, "Are you there, God? It's me Margaret." It was great. At the time, it was a very scandalous read. It was like we were reading porn. We'd hide in the back of the library giggling.

Part of the therapy process for me, Ninn, has been to look more closely at my siblings and how unstable they are. And to try to pull away and build a more stable life. I find it sad too that my sister and I will never be close. But she'll be lucky if my brother in law doesn't kill her after what she just did. So, I might not even have a sister soon. My Mom was an only child so I don't have any first cousins from her. And my Dad had a sister who was hit and killed crossing the road after a fight with my unstable brother. She had never married nor had children. So no first cousins there.

Somehow I have to build a life for me and the kids. But I just suck at this relationship thing.

You totally helped, Ninn. Thanks so much!!!

xoxo

Liese

P.S. and thanks for the hug.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((Liese))) Unstable siblings...yeah, I think I get that one. It seems you are playing the role of the "rock." But, it's too much, you know, for someone to carry all of that. It's what I've found. But, letting go if it also comes with so much pain and guilt. I was telling T today, regarding the conflict between my H and sisters, how devastating it is to see loved ones hurting, to want to protect them their pain or to ease it in some way, but it is just beyond you to fix and impossible to just ignore, because it makes your heart ache. I am so sorry about your brother and sister. Frowner I wish I had more to offer that was helpful. But, you have my prayers and as many (((((hugs))))) as you want right now.
L lieseMember
((((YAKU))))

Yeah, I was always the rock. You are right, it is too much for one person to carry. And you are right that it comes with much pain and guilt. It IS so hard to see loved ones hurting despite the pain they've caused me. Thanks for the empathy and the sympathy. Your prayers, hugs and words were helpful.

xoxoxo

Love,

Liese

P.S. I think the OF might be an AF. Anyone else?
ravenravenMember
I don't know if my words will help at all, but yours have helped me. I often feel like I'm alone in my painful world of a messed up family. My father is a psychopath and an alcoholic. My three brothers are also alcoholics. My mother finally divorced my father when I was 23 (18 years ago). While growing up she was always locked in her room depressed, lost in some romance story. I was the oldest and pretty much raised my brothers. Oh yeah - I also have an older half sister that I didn't know about until I was 4 and then she was taken away from me again when I was 10. I always yearned for her to be in my life. We got together a few years ago for a day when I was back home visiting and it was awesome. She cut off contact and didn't reach out to me again until a year and a half later. I visited her one more time for a couple of hours and then she cut me off again....no contact since. I know this is her issue - she was abandoned twice by our father - ut it still hurts. She has breast cancer and I don't even know how she's doing. Back to my brothers...the middle brother was born when I was 11. He was my baby. I loved him so much. He's the one who is psychopathic and an addict to alcohol and drugs. He 's married to a whack job. She was my best friend 15 years ago and started sleeping around with him when he was only 17. She was married to my still best friend Mark at the time. I could write a really long book on the whole messed up situation but the biggie is that they have two young children who I love to death. My brother ripped them from me this summer and I'm not allowed to ever see them again. This is all because his wife took Mark to court over custody of their son, who's 13, and I wouldn't lie in court in her favor. The worst part of all this is that my other, father and two other brothers go along with it. They don't think I'm wrong, they just don't stand up to them because they're afraid of also not seeing the kids. So basically they accept it and don't care that I'm totally cut off and dead to them all.

So like I said...I don't have any wise words of wisdom to help you....but know you are not alone and I feel your pain.

Raven
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Oh gosh ((((Liese))))) that is a lot of tragedy for anyone to deal with. I can see how all of this is triggering you. It's okay to want to help out your family but you have to have your own boundaries so you don't get sucked in and you need to take care of you and your own kids. Does your sister have any children?

I think you are caring and empathic and that is why you reached out to help your sister. I am sorry you are not closer with her. Sometimes, though, in bad times people do allow themselves to develop closer relationships. I am on good terms with my sister but because we are very different types we were never really very close. We have become closer since my parents died and since I was traumatized last year by oldT. I have also tried to be supportive of her as she deals with a special needs child.

Liese, I think trying to look at the big picture can be overwhelming so maybe just take one day at a time and ask your T for support and lean on him for this. It's okay to do so. And of course you can lean on us here.

Maybe you can also find some resources to help your sister, a place she can go to for the help she needs to get back on her feet again.

I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring this week as you also deal with a sad anniversary of your dad's passing. Just know that my thoughts are with you.

Hugs
TN
L lieseMember
Oh RAVEN,

I'm so sorry that your brother ripped those kids away from you like that. My sister has two kids and she and her H got mad at us a couple of years ago because we didn't take their side in a family fight and my sister did the same thing to me. Well, at first, she just invited my kids over for Christmas. Can you imagine? She said, Oh, can you drop the kids off on Christmas? Then slowly, she stopped inviting all my kids except for just the one, who is a year younger than her daughter and also the one my sister knows the best. She pulled her kids away from us as well.

It has made me think a lot about who I get close, who I allow my kids to get close to. I guess you can never protect yourself and/or your children from getting hurt like that. But, now I know just how close (OR NOT) to get to my sister.

I don't know about you, but I'm not good at developing relationships. It would probably help a lot if I had other, more stable people in my life. It sounds like you have a similar type of situation going on. As painful as it is for you, I think it's so brave of you to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Lots of people wouldn't, just look at your dad and your brothers.

TN, thank you so much for your words of support. I do need to take care of me and the kids. My sister has two kids, both of whom I've loved and adored. But, they both will have struggles of their own and as much as I love them, can't save them.

My sister did something this week that, on paper, was the right thing to do and I could see why she did it. But it made my BIL and her older daughter very angry. She wasn't taking into consideration their reactions when she did what she did. And, so I am frightened that my BIL will come looking for her (at my house) with a gun. He IS that type of person and has done some really mean things to different people over the years who have crossed his path. Definitely someone to stay away from. So, I have to really rethink trying to help her. She has made her own decisions and I have to take care of me and the kids.

I feel better today. Thanks everyone for their support. It really helped.

xoxo

Liese
ravenravenMember
Liese,
It is horrible, isn't it? My brother and his wife now "allow" my daughter to see the kids. I know it's part of their psychopathic game to keep hurting me. When she goes over they'll say mean things about me to my daughter. I probably shouldn't let her go, but I really don't want the kids to suffer because of all their hurtful games.
L lieseMember
Raven,

It is horrible when people use their children as pawns. What I saw with my sister is that she allowed contact that suited her needs and her kids needs. Like she wanted her kids to have a nice Christmas, so she invited my kids over. It wasn't necessarily that she loves my kids. It sounds like your brother and his wife do the same thing. I never thought of it as they were trying to hurt me by doing that but then again, I can be naive.

How old is your daughter? My oldest was the one who most affected by the whole thing because there was too much of an age gap between the others and my neice. My neice who is a year older than my daughter started to ignore my daughter in school. And so my oldest started to look after herself and not care about my neice so much - even though it was painful. My oldest was old enough at the time when it all started to happen that I could be honest with her about the problems they were having in their lives and that this is why they pull away and come close again. She learned how to protect herself so that was good. And she learned it wasn't about her. I wish it didn't have to be that way for her but there is nothing I can do about it now. You never know how things are going to play out.

I hope you can talk to your daughter about why they say what they say and then seriously consider helping her to build other close relationships. Because your brother and his wife do sound a bit unstable and you never know, could pull away again.

xoxo

Liese
ravenravenMember
Leise,
I'm glad they're not doing it to intentionally try to hurt you. My daughter is 13 and we do talk about how messed up the whole situation is. They did the same thing to me 3 years ago and I didn't get to see the kids for 10 months. They'll let me see them again eventually ~ just so they can use them as pawns again in the future. They both truly are sociopaths ~ haven't gone out and killed people ~ but both have no conscience and are very mean to others and each other. One of the difficult things involved with all of this is my daughter is adopted (I got her when she was 7) and has RAD. I'm able to talk about it all woth her and she understands the mess, but I know it has to add to her attachment and abandonment problems.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×