hi catalyst -

I don't know if this exactly answers your question, but I'll tell you what I've noticed with my sister (only sibling).

She and I don't have a close relationship. She has lived distant from me since she left home to go to college. That was in 1980. We are cordial, and we get along fine, but we aren't BFFs.

I typically visit her once a year (in fact I'm leaving for a visit next week). When she talks about things going on in her life, I am amazed to find how similar her responses are to similar things in my life. The way she interacts with people. The way she shuts herself off from people. The way she absorbs interpersonal pain - even when it was likely not was intended. We have so many similar responses. Many of the same issues. Emotional and otherwise.

Even before she left for school, we didn't spend much time together. I was four years older. We weren't in high school together. We went to different grade schools. Our friends were different.

When we talk about growing up, her perception of childhood is much different than mine. Yet now we are so similar. I can only surmise that whatever was going on in my childhood home permeated the air and infected us both.

FWIW
-RT

When you think about siblings you have to remember that you were all children together. children. You weren't responsible at all for the family environment - the adults had major control for that. Even if you were the oldest (I am in my situation) - you were still a child.

I tried (and failed) to protect my sister. It took a while to come to terms with the fact that I had no power in that situation - there wasn't anything I could or should have done.

SB

((((CAT))))

All my siblings are dysfunctional but I'm the youngest so I can't comment on what it is like to be the oldest. I'll just say that I always wanted my older siblings to protect me but they never did - so I am touched that you protected your sibling. As far as his resiliency is concerned, it probably has more to do with your parents and their relationship with him that with you overprotecting him. More children could use a sibling who watches out for them. He's a lucky kid to have had you.

Oh Cat, one more thing. I've read that the most resilient people have had a moderate amount of stress in their lives. People who have had too much or too little are not as resilient as the people in the middle. It sounds like there was quite a bit of stress in your FOO so, if your sibling is not that resilient, it probably has more to do with all the stress he had growing up as opposed to you being overprotective. It has to be hard to see him having a rough time. Especially when you have been able to protect him in the past but can't anymore. But you can be there emotionally for him.

I can relate to that... except I feel I did not protect my sister enough, I was the eldest, I should have made sure she was okay.

2 things happened:
- me: I was 'crazy' before I was 12, and a lot of the family life was affected by my constant panic attacks, depressed state, being bullied, etc. My sister was a "happy child", with no apparent problems, so she was "sacrificied" for my sake. And I feel that now, I should not have problems anymore, because I hurt my family enough as a child.
2 - more onto the point: my family was somehow dysfunctional in that that my parents "left" (each of them went to live to some other place, leaving us with the house, money and food, my mother dropping by once a week, when I was 14 and my sister 11). And I decided it was fine. I was not hurtful. And refused to listen to my sister saying that it was a terrible thing to do. I left her alone with that feeling. And I can see the consequences in me, but also in her and in her reaction to our parents, to life: it affected her more than it affected me, because I was older... and because I did not support her at the time. Her perception was not mine, and is not mine: she says nothing was good in our childhood, and I am so sorry I did not do anything about it, and I keep trying to say "it was fine", because it is MY way to be fine, since it can't be fixed, saying it's not fine just creates unhappiness... though I know that this is only MY response to our family.

I am really not sure it helps, except in telling you... yeah, I do.

Hi - I apologize for the long response time. I'm really having a rough go, and an even rougher time connecting with my T.

My sib has been in sort of a crisis, spinning down hill… in to drugs and drink… a process starting in his childhood during grade school - about the same age of the onset of my ED. Both are killing us. It makes so little sense to me. I wish I had the courage, or ability or insight to "blame" my parents, to be outraged… but I really just want to lay in the shallows with him because I've lost such a point in understanding right now. He talks very little to me - not out of anything other than the same inability to understand what others are 'for'. What he is for… and it destroys me that I know that feeling.

I wish I knew why this was happening, that we both want to disappear… and neither of us, separately and for different reasons can find any responsibility for it happening. We both can't be angry. I'm stuck. My T can't even help me with her perspectives because either one just triggers me. Sorry this is vague I'm just overwhelmed.

RT - My brother lives far from me too… I sometimes feel like if I had stayed close… things might be different. I hope the visit goes well. My brother's reactions are similar to mine too, but manifesting in a different way. We each have a quite unusual fear (it impacts daily life, and it's impossible to hide most of the time). He reacts to people much the same way I do - in the not understanding a reason for relationships, missing the value, living on the far side of independence. Alone. My brother's perception is much different also… I'm sorry you feel you were both infected.

SB - Thank you so much for what you wrote. It is true we were children. I am the oldest just by a couple years. It is very hard to come to terms with a lack of power.

Liese - Ah the youngest I've wondered what it would be like to have older siblings, and I'm sorry yours were not able to protect you. I feel like we watch out for each other… but at such a difference. Do your siblings appear to have attachment issues? I've read too about people with a "normal" level of stress being rather resilient. I think we both had a lot of stress growing up, and we both use things to cope that are difficult.

About - I understand 'eldest' guilt. I'm sorry you feel you hurt your family as a child and shouldn't have 'problems' you are justified in your feelings and how you process. My brother was labeled a different type of person than me… smarter, more responsible, capable, more sensitive… and now my parents have flipped on him and start to favor me, and shame him. It's a horrible cycle and we both don't fall for it anymore, it still hurts though. I think the situation you faced with the neglect is serious, and… you couldn't have protected your sibling as, like SB said to me, you were a child yourself. It's hard to get rid of that sense of responsibility, I wonder if younger siblings experience that same thing… with a sense of guilt about not protecting another sibling.. or guilt about not protecting a parent. I haven't seen that from my brother (not in what he's said) but it may be. We very much took care of each other… he is a very compassionate soul.

((Cat)) I had meant to respond to this post earlier and forgot about it. I am the oldest in my family and have a sister 2 years younger and a brother 10 years younger. DS is a functioning alcoholic, DB is a drug addict currently in jail awaiting trial on drug charges. I have a lot of guilt over having moved out and left them when I was 17. My addiction is the ED but I've always felt like mine was ok for public comment whereas their's was behind closed doors.

I have compassion for their difficulties as i know what our childhood was like. However, I have conflicting feelings for both of them as their behavior's have caused serious harm to myself and other family members. I worked very hard over the last few years to help my brother and was repaid with $30,000.00 worth of damage that I have had to repair. I wish we were more support to each other but at this point we are pretty much on our own. My sister and I communicate but we live far apart and pretty independently.

I find it interesting that both of our brothers have gone the drug abuse route and we share the ED.

Jillann

((Jill)) that is interesting how us and then our siblings turned out. It's a different kind of damage I think… I use my ED not to escape (though, I know that's what it is also) but to disappear. I'm not sure if it works like that for other substances, I'm sure it does. It's really hard when our self harm is visible… thankfully I doubt very much anyone on the outside can tell I have an ED… my Ts have seen my weight but to average joe on the street… it's not there. That's good at least, but then I also take this guilt of… I'm out of control ANYWAY… EDs… could talk about them forever. Sigh. Do you think your ED has caused pain to anyone else? I've heard that they do… I think it would only matter if I had someone else in my life that my hurting myself would actually impact/bother/cost but it's just me. I wish my brother and I were more supportive too I miss him dearly.