Puppet,
Depression can cause illness. Or can make it much for harder for your body to recover. There have been lots of studies on it. I often get sick when at a low. I hope you feel better soon.

thank you cat, irishspirit, kmay!
it meant so much to read your replies this morning and i allowed myself to take a day off work (although i have been feeling full of shame about it as i'm afraid its becoming a pattern and people at work will say something)

i want to come back and write when i can think a bit more clearly, but just wanted to say thank you first.

puppet

cat,
thanks for sharing that. i also don't look after myself very well, but i felt that it was more than that. i hadn't thought about the adrenalin though, its a really valid point. thanks

irishspirit,
thank you for listening! i haven't really spoken to my T about this, maybe its time i face my demons... i tend to minimize when i talk to her about my self hatred, i feel like i'm exagerating.

kmay,
i have been pretty depressed lately, more in a repressed anger sort of way - and i think that has been a toxic combination.

thank you and my friends


p.s. been feeling better today, made it to work although it was a struggle. i think its gonna be up and down for the next few days, but i really need to start looking after myself better, otherwise i won't get out of this dark hole, even if physically i will get better.

puppet

thank you irish! i tend to get back to functioning because i worry too much that other people will see what is really inside me, and that scares me. it is a good thing i guess, but sometimes i feel like i cant even fall apart properly... it is exhausting....
so my falling apart is generally for the weekend, and sometimes it spills over a bit.

sorry for the rant... i really appreciate you checking in on me

puppet