Go ahead and rant, Amazon! I think it is wonderful that you can express yourself here. I can "hear" the tiredness in your post. I feel a lot that way too. I would feel so down if my T canceled my appointment since I live in my head for it from week to week. So far I haven't had that experience, but I am sure if I stick with my T long enough, the day will eventually come when she has to cancel on me. I think you are very strong and wise, being able to let yourself feel and vent while still not denying that you need to stick it out. I want to be more like you when I grow up someday!

Hi Amazon.

I could pretty much copy everything from your post bar the not being anxious or depressed part. A year ago I was on a break from my ex-T for 4 months and I realised today that a year on I feel exactly the same. I feel like I have made no progress on my feelings for him. Last night I watched In Treatment-I think almost torturing myself as I focused on the transference relationship between the therapist (Gabriel Byrne) and his female patient (Laura). I'm actually thinking of banning the programme as it triggers me so much. I have dreamt about him 3 times in the past few weeks. I don't know why it's so bad all of a sudden or if it ever went away but I'm aching with it.

I'm contemplating quitting therapy or at least finding a male therapist. I need to deal with this excruciating transference because I'm sick of trying to cope. A friend of mine is thinking of attending the same centre as me and though I said it was fine,(I was the one who suggested therapy to her because I was worried about it) I'm almost regretting it now as I'm afraid she will have a good experience or get a male therapist and I will be jealous. I saw a male therapist in the centre last week and he seemed to kind, I wished he was my T even though I had no idea what he was like. I don't know if it will help but I don't know if ignoring it will help either.

So torn.

Mrs. P

MH,
I wish I could express myself like that to my T. That would make things so much easier. But I can't. I can't or I'm not able to or I just don't want to. Any of these options always comes at hand. I'm sure it must be a bit frustrating for him too.
It's great your T doesn't cancell appointments. I'm with my T for some 10 months now, that's the 2nd appointment he cancelled because of being sick, but he also had some holidays every now and again, that I just have to accept, what can I do? I wish he had no holidays and never was sick. Of course I can't expect that.
I'm feeling a lot, but only when I'm on my own. When I'm with him, everything gets hidden and locked away. And even when something gets out to the surface, I am not able to express it and talk about it, or I simply refuse. All I can do is cry. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting not only my time, but also my feelings by repressing them or dismissing them or letting them vanish before I get a chance to be strong enough to tell him.
Thank you for your kind words and attention. Especially attention.

Mrs. P
If things with my T ended up suddenly, or I don't know, something got f...ed up... yes, I think I would need a male T. I think a female could not trigger as much troublesome feelings as a man does. Although I noticed that I do have some transference towards women too, sometimes...
Yes, you definitely need to do something about your transference that's still hanging over your head. It probably would gradually go away (over years - speaking for myself), but... If we deal with it in therapy, does it mean we are free? No, I think ignoring it will be just putting it away in time. But I'm speaking for myself now. I don't know how you really feel about it.
I feel that there is something in me, that I have to get the hang on, resolve, heal, integrate, cross over, I don't know what. I want to feel whole, peaceful, strong, open. Is it what I want to "achieve" using my T's words?
I hope you will find a way to express your pain and make it stop being pain. Make it love - annoying and tiring, but not painful, or at least not as painful as it can be when you are completely alone with it.
I think the anxious/depressed feeling is pretty much gone/transformed? At times (maybe quite often) I feel lonely, sad, down, isolated, don't know where I'm going, will I ever find love? But that feeling that was haunting me, that was there - at the back of my head - is not taking me over. I wasn't in depression when I entered therapy. There were just bits left that had to be pacified. Which I pretty much did, but there's no way I could walk away with the transference and walk away from somebody I was waiting for all my life.
I hope you will too find your perfect T, really sorry that it is not Gabriel Byrne... I'd love him too.
Take care and never loose hope that things can be different.

Hi Amazon, I know exactly what you mean. I felt like that about old P for over a year. Going onto a new combination of medication has meant that I have less anxious and racing thoughts about him and I am able now to move onto the real therapy that I need. I am much more able to focus on me and not him, that is such a relief too. I am not saying that meds are for everyone just saying what has helped me - and boy did I need some help lol.

Hi Mrs P, hugs to you sweetie!!!!! Maybe seeing a male T can help you with the unresolved feelings that you have, and it is totally expected and predictable that you would still be suffering and hurting over him. Please keep coming here and talking, I am always here for you.

Thanks Amazon and Halo for your kind words.

I have been emailing the samaritans for the past few days...I think it is at least good to get the extent of my feelings out there in some way. I have been getting some acknowledgments but mostly questions from them so far, I guess to engage me and get to the bottom of how I'm feeling. I'm finding myself waiting for responses all day....

My notion of getting a male T instead of my current one to deal with my tansference issues has been seriously turned on its head tonight.

I bumped into my ex-T. At least I think I did. I was in the library, irony of ironys, picking up some psychology books about choice theory, the mind and the affect of society on women. As I strolled up to the issue desk I looked up and heard what I think was a very familiar voice. It could only have been a few seconds that I looked at his back and then I moved. I practically ran to the other side of the room...and I slowly came back to get my stuff sorted after checking that the coast was clear.

The man who I have been thinking about non-stop for the past year and a half and specifically since I terminated with him was only a few feet away from me tonight and I paniced. I ran. I couldn't bare to face him, to utter a brief hi, to see his face. I came home in a daze, shut the door to my room and turned off the lights. All I could do was lay on the bed and try to breath. A few tears came. Where to go from here. I really don't know. I miss him so so much. The thought of bumping into him with a bunch of psychology books in my hands...and I'm sure I'd convey ease and happiness to him even though I'm so desperately sad and miss him so much.

In logical (!) terms I ran away from security and safety tonight I think. Or was it a severe trigger? I don't know how I'm going to go into another counselling relationship with a man hoping for the same thing to happen and to solve the transference problem. It seems like a seriously masochistic thing to do.

Mrs. P

Mrs. P.
I'm so really sorry...
I've been to similar places in the past...
I imagine I would run and hide too.
I think you run away from pain, because I can't imagine there is security and safety if you can't bring these feeling to him and talk about them.
I think you do need somebody to help you out through this pain. I don't mean that you can't cope, but perhaps there is a way to make the coping easier.
I still have a very good memories of my past feelings and I don't know if it's any consolation, it took sometime, but I managed to get out of depression. It was damn painful and looked like eternity of pain.

Saying this, I feel really down for the past few days. Like I dug out some past feelings and living them now. I feel just sobad, so cut off from the good place I was in not so long ago. I miss my T and I'm afraid to see him. What will I tell him? All these bad feelings suddenly emerged and I'm just exhausted now... I have to wait till Monday to see him, and I feel like I'm falling apart. it's like something in me, after long search and waiting, found a trigger to make me feel really bad about myself... and so I am... feeling like shit...