I find this interesting, TAS.

Thankfully my t does not use silence often. I don't tolerate it well. I don't find it as a form of assurance - I find it rather punitive. Or I've disappointed her or angered her. I receive nothing positive from silence at all. yeah, it gets me all sorts of uncomfortable.

although when she does use it, it's brief and she explains that she's allowing me to process or reflect on what's been said.

((TAS)) I sure agree with how you stated that silences from T, could be them removing themselves from the Client's own process, and not wanting to interrupt them. I've seen this with my T, and its different each time I see him. I'm a very deep thinker, and my T is very aware of that. I think a lot and don't always say to much, but when I do, T really stays quiet, and there can be a lot of silence after I speak, sometimes for quit awhile. I think he is hoping that when I'm processing more thoughts, and if I'm on a roll and willing to speak about it, he stays silent to see if I will let more thoughts come out. Also, I see that he is processing what I've said, because he may want to think about what his reply may be. When I'm done talking, which is usually directed at the floor, I just lift my head and look at my T and give him a nod, and he knows I'm done talking. But I'm sure each T is different, depending on training and own personal thoughts.

TAS, if you don't mind, can you give an example of a statement being met with silence?

I'm trying to think of how my T uses silence. She is definitely not afraid of it, but it seems like she is quiet more after her own statements than mine. She doesn't generally let me get away with not answering.

Sometimes she'll be quiet after something I have said if she doesn't agree with it; I can tell that she doesn't by her face.

I don't think she ever really doesn't validate or respond positively to a good thing. Not to do so seems counter therapeutic to me. I've been in therapy on and off for a long time, though, so maybe I have gotten hooked on her approval, according to this way of thinking? But I needed that, I needed to be attached to her and to be able to know she was there.

It seems to me that encouragement and validation are like a hand offered to help gain balance. It is needed until it is not needed, right? I think there are other ways to encourage progress besides not responding. I'm not trying to be negative--I just find this idea a little distressing. Maybe I am not understanding very well?

Are you talking about a blank, stony silence, or just a verbal silence with an encouraging look?

Hey TAS, my T does wait for me to sort of process what I have said, which generally isn't a lot. She has also told she doesn't like to get in the way of that because I'm pretty quiet. I did make a statement in my last session that was uncomfortable for me and she kept quiet for longer than what was comfortable for me so I pleaded with her to please say something quick before I jump out of my seat. I have done this before and she always will say at least a little something.

Have you ever asked your T to jump in? From what you have described of him, I am betting not. I have also had the opposite with mine where I have asked her to please stop talking if she is talking about something that disturbs or pisses me off.

On the whole I don't view the silences all that assuring. I guess I get more assurances out of her facial expressions. By the way, I loved the quote you found. Very good.

Lucy, Eme, Exploring and Becca: Thank you for the replies and I apologize for the delay...I have been at a Volleyball tournament all day (since 6:30) and just returned home.

Lucy: I have been taking the silences as judgment as well but this article helped me see it somewhat differently. If the Therapist is not intruding upon the process, there is a great deal of respect for the Client and trust the Client understands themselves better than the Therapist and knows what they need. I have stated to my Therapist: "Say SOMETHING, don't just sit there." Now, this is with me not looking at him to see his expression...the silence just seemed stifling. He did say to me, "You need to look at me." (Terrified to do so, even now.) I said to him one time, "What are you even doing over there?" He said, "If you would look at me, you could see what I am doing." (He was encouraging me. He wanted me to see even in the silence he was listening to me).

I understand completely what you mean as far as the silence being uncomfortable.

Eme: Your T. sounds like he is very attuned towards you. I think it is wonderful how he follows your lead and also is aware of how much of a deep thinker you are. You guys seem to flow really well together

Exploring: For example, I said, "I want her to pay for what she did." After this, there was silence. I thought, "He is judging me." I have since realized he was allowing me the space, without interruption, to express what had long been held within. Obviously, he did not encourage me to stay stuck in this vein of thinking, however, he allowed the place for such a thought to be expressed without judgment. So, I have long considered the silence as judgment, and now I see the silence as space for me to move through the inner process without an outer interruption.

Becca: I have asked him to say something because the silence, I could not bear it. Then on top of the negative transference, it just added to the negative perception which was, 'He doesn't approve of me.'

Then, there was one time I told him, in these words, "Stop talking to me. I want to like you and if you keep pushing me on this, I will cut you off." This was right at the beginning of Therapy and he has his office with 4 other offices in a suite. I think everyone heard me yelling. He understands now when I say, "I can not talk about this," he will stop.

So yes, I have done both. When I say the silence is an assurance, I mean, in part, the sense of self becomes stronger in the silence without the intrusion of another. The process is about finding one's way, strengthening weak areas through deep work and all this occurs within.

I am glad you liked the quote. Once again, I apologize for the delay. I feel as if I have been swallowed by a Volleyball

All the best,
T.

Hi, TAS.

I just wanted to respond mostly to say that I totally get how all-consuming volleyball is! My DD plays. I can no longer play competitively due to my shoulder. I love it, but sheesh! It's intense!

Also, the way your working through this sounds really positive to me. And I also want to take a step back and just tell you how much respect I have for you digging in and staying with this.

I know how much you have struggled, and you've been missed on the OF. It's good to have you back but I hear a different tone from your questions, and it sounds as if there has been quite a bit of movement. Can I just say that's awesome?!

On the silence issue -- I think you are thinking through it correctly in that your T is letting you have the space to wrestle with these feelings.

In all your descriptions of your T, my take away has been that he is incredibly fixed with his boundaries. So I'm not surprised to hear that he lets the silences take place.

My T does it, too. He doesn't seem quite as rigid as your T sounds, but he's definitely on that end of the spectrum.

Anyway, I respect your tenacity, and it's always good to see you here.