But, for some reason, it gave me a weird dream last night. I don't know why I'm sharing. Probably because it's too vulnerable to share with my T right now, lol.
In my dream, I was meeting with T in his Monday/Tuesday office. I don't remember the content of the session, but we were having it in the lobby. The dream mostly started with me waking up at 11:30pm at night, having fallen asleep getting a hug from T.
As I was getting ready to go and saying goodbye to T, the main/head therapist (S) from that particular office came out into the lobby and sat across from where T and I had been sitting. S doesn't have any authority over T, but he's probably the most experienced therapist there right before mine, so he's in charge of supervising a lot of the new Ts. He has said hi to me a couple of times when he has been fixing the business cards and magazines on the shelf I sit by in the lobby. He got too close and gave me an anxiety attack, lol.
As I was moving to leave, S said my name, and asked if he pronounced it right (he didn't and I corrected him politely). He said he felt the need to have a session with me, and was concerned about my therapy. I realized it was because he knew my T hugs me and thought maybe something inappropriate was going on. I went into a complete compliance state and just said, "OK." And S said we would schedule it soon.
I felt the need to protect my T, who hadn't done anything wrong and who has helped me so much and started joking around how S was in for it, as it had only taken me about a year-and-a-half to really start talking to my T about things. T and S said some things to each other that made me think moreso that it was about S's dislike of T's affection toward me. But, T seemed completely relaxed and secure, unphased, confident that he was doing what was best for me.
After they had chatted quietly for about a minute, T offered to walk me to my car. When we got outside, the outside of his office was actually the street outside my (paternal) grandmother's apartment where I spent almost all my weekends during my childhood. My grandma, though she caused some of her own damage, was the closest thing I had to a dependable attachment in childhood. In my dream, this was the "normal" location for his office. It didn't seem weird in any way. He walked me to the end of the block where I was parked (I had some big car I don't recognize), reassured me that everything was going to be OK, waited until I was safely in the car and then left.
When I tried to drive away, there were suddenly sirens and massive traffic (yes, after 11:30pm at night) due to a nearby accident. None of the cars wanted to let me pull out and I kind of had to force my way into traffic to leave...
Anyway, it was a strange dream. Parts of it were very comforting, and other parts, really stressful. Afterward, I had two other dreams (nightmares) that were unrelated. Since I've woken up, though, I mostly can't stop thinking about this dream and just feeling...sad. I don't even know what I'm sad about. Maybe the safe feelings are bringing up a lot of loss? Maybe the fear that needing and being close to someone and trusting them really aren't OK?
I just...want to see my T. Sorry for the long share. I'm just hoping writing it out will help me feel better, less sad, and less missing my T time today, because otherwise, I'm really doing OK and am glad he gets some time off.