So, some of you might remember that I thought I ended with my T (Art-T) - I told her about three months ago (after a couple of run-ups) that it wasn't working for me and I wanted to see someone else, so she put me on the waiting list with another guy (Manatee). I didn't hear anything for a couple of months, during which time things went better with us, and then she said he had a spot, did I still want to try him. I still knew she wasn't right for me so I said things were going better between her and I but I did want to. And then I was really happy that she seemed comfortable for me to do that and offered to leave it open between us if I wanted to come back.

She said try it out over the Christmas period and we'll see how it goes - which I thought meant that we were basically finishing, as long as everything went well. But we didn't do any of the goodbye stuff in that session, so when I left I said umm, maybe we should make another appointment to finish up (which was today's).

But when I saw Manatee he started out by saying 'So, I know this is only temporary...' and I had to tell him a couple of times that Art-T wasn't a good match for me, and that I didn't know how it would go between he and I but I wanted to try it for a few sessions and if it was okay to switch to him. Because he was confused I realised that she must have thought something different to what I thought - that actually I was just going to see him for a few sessions and go back to her.

And then today SHE said that he was confused (even though I am sure that I was really clear with him), and did I want to switch over or not. I said AGAIN what I wanted... but felt like I mustn't have been clear with anyone. Even my husband's T said she was confused when I explained what I wanted in our couples session a while back. It doesn't seem that fricking hard to me!!! Am I speaking gobbledygook? Am I just trying to cushion it too much because I don't want to say "Art-T sucks, I want to see Manatee, but Manatee might suck too so I'm leaving my options open". I guess it's leaving my options open that's the problem.

Anyway, so once we'd cleared up that I really did want to switch, she started doing the ending stuff. It was yuck. She asked me to tell her what I'd got from working with her, whether I was any different, what I thought I'd get from Manatee (unsaid: that I wasn't getting from her). I said I didn't feel like anything was really different for me after working with her but I rattled off a few things I'd liked about our sessions. I said I didn't know if it would work with him any better because I didn't know him but I wanted to try. She said "I'm not sure you'll be able to find what you want with anyone else if it doesn't work with Manatee. At some point *you* have to take responsibility and do the work."

Now I want to stomp all over her stupid head. I did my fricking best to work with her and the whole time, even today, it just felt like playing tennis with myself. I'd dredge up what I thought was significant in whatever we were talking about and she would just nod and then half the time go back to something irrelevant from earlier. There was no structure to the sessions, no curiosity, no connection from week to week and no attempt to use any kind of techniques to help me except basic reflection and a couple of weeks of art work at the beginning. I KNOW there is better therapy out there than this. And I tried to end it without blaming her or dissing her style, just accepting it wasn't for me and saying that, and now I just feel like she *had* to dump on me at the end so I knew it was my fault not hers.

And now I have to wait another #(*%& 2 weeks to start properly with Manatee, Friday of next week, and I am HEARTILY SICK OF WAITING!