smiles and eye contact

Once upon a time, I wouldn't smile at my T. I could make some eye contact, to gauge her response to something I was saying, or when paying attention to her when she was speaking, but if she smiled at me I would glance away.

The first time I smiled at her was eight months into therapy, at my first visit after Baby (my now 14 month old) was born. I was so glad to see her again after the long absence, plus buoyed by my joy at Baby's birth, so when she came into the waiting room to call me into her office, I looked right at her, smiled brightly, and said, "Hi!".

That was a key moment for me. I felt like I had "arrived" at therapy in a new sense. I am not sure quite why it was so difficult before, because IRL I smile. .. I suppose adequately enough. I felt tense and heavily defended during most of the early months of my therapy.

Anyway, now I make eye contact and smile at T at least once a session, usually when we greet eachother. Smiles from her mean a lot. . . being able to take them in and inwardly bask in them means more.

Along these lines, I've been noticing how my children watch my face and eyes, and how greedily they take in positive eye contact and smiling. I've been trying to be more intentional about giving them that on a regular basis. I thought how neat it could be, if their early memories of me included my gaze of empathy and acceptance, from one window of the soul to another.

I realized, when I was thinking of this, that I don't have childhood memories of my parents looking me in the eye and smiling. When I conjure up memories from that period, say before age ten, and try to focus on their faces. . . I see my mother as preoccuppied, distracted, absent, and my father as angry.

I felt sad about this. I really have no way of knowing if they did smile at me or not. All I can say is, if so, I don't have those memories. Could it be that memories with negative affect attached to them are more lasting than the positive kind? Or was my childhood really that emotionally lacking? I do remember my grandmother's face as smiling and loving.

Anyway, I was just musing on these things, and I wondered, if it isn't too personal or triggering, if you could answer some questions.

How do you primarily remember your parents facial expressions (say from age ten and younger)?

Do you have memories of smiles and eye contact from them?

How have you experienced those things in your therapy (whether from your T or to your T)?

How about with your own kids?

Thanks to any who reply.

7/3/132:57 PM

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rabbitearsMember

Hi HIC.

Thanks for posting this. I started to get squirmy just thinking about...

smiling

at T or receiving a smile??? I do not do eye contact at all, ever, with T, and the thought of a positive "exchange" via the eyes...

Embarrassing to admit, but I actually downloaded a photo of my T from online, and I practice trying to look at it without getting nervous.

It's not easy, and as soon as I imagine doing it in person--

I think making regular eye contact with T would mean I had achieved my other therapy goals. Currently, I am only at the stage of sneaking a look at her if she gets up for a moment (when she's looking away).

I don't have many memories--no specific memories, really--of eye contact with my parents. I loved your description of how you look into the eyes of your kids. That's beautiful, especially because you're so aware of this as an "issue" for yourself. I have watched children with their parents and been amazed at the amount of eye contact they make with each other, how open the children (and the parents) are, how they scan each other's faces so openly, and seem to communicate so much that way. It's not something i know how to do.

Like you, I remember my grandma looking at me and smiling, but not my parents...

I think I was more anxious about pleasing my parents. My grandma gave compliments and praise (and smiles) quite freely, whereas my parents seemed to have "serious" expectations for me and my behavior... I suppose that may be typical--because parents are more worried that their kids turn out OK? I don't know, because I don't have kids.

I've wondered about the way negative memories seem to stick in my mind far longer than positive ones. Why does that happen? Is it related to hypervigilance?

Even though the thought of looking at T is so anxiety-provoking for me, it's something I want to do. Maybe your post will give me a little bit more courage to try.

RabbitEars

7/3/137:45 PM

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turtleMember

quote:
I thought how neat it could be, if their early memories of me included my gaze of empathy and acceptance, from one window of the soul to another.

I realized, when I was thinking of this, that I don't have childhood memories of my parents looking me in the eye and smiling. When I conjure up memories from that period, say before age ten, and try to focus on their faces. . . I see my mother as preoccuppied, distracted, absent, and my father as angry.

I totally understand what you are saying here. All my life I have searched to replace what I did not get in my childhood. One of the most painful things about my childhood among a plethera of violence, emotional and psychological abuse is the lack of my mom ever looking at me with empathy or love. I mean she did love me in her own way but she never gave me that look that parents give their kids. The one that says "I adore you" etc. And maybe like you say here HIC, maybe she did but I certainly do not remember it. I would try to hug her and she'd push me away. She'd say I was going to make her clothes dirty. I could even handle all the abuse but it's that lack of connection (through looks) that I feel the most deprived from if that makes sense

7/3/137:50 PM

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crootieMember

HIC - totally relate,

Quote..
I realized, when I was thinking of this, that I don't have childhood memories of my parents looking me in the eye and smiling. When I conjure up memories from that period, say before age ten, and try to focus on their faces. . . I see my mother as preoccuppied, distracted, absent, and ........angry.

My mother had unresolved grief and my father was absent for a lot of my early years, and wouldn't challenge my mother when he was around.

I rarely smile at T although occasionally I might manage a side on smile, my eye contact is pretty limited too. But I have begun to ask for smiles in texts...the smiles come up as aliens on my phone, and I really like them...I feel like I can receive her smiles this way, and I can respond this way too!

In real life I am often the clown who uses humour and laughter to keep everyone ok, but my T never sees this side of me at all - sometimes I wonder if I am being fake with T because I am perfectly capable of having normal adult relationships, and yet I can't even have a normal conversation with this woman, let alone look or smile at her.
Thank goodness for text smiles!!

7/4/136:29 AM

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heldincompassionMember

(((monte))) (((rabbit ears))) (((turtle))) (((crootie)))

Thanks for replying. Sorry I haven't been back to this thread before now. I've been in this phase where I'm busy and. . . contemplative when I'm not busy, the sort of contemplative that doesn't result in a lot of words. But I read the memories and reflections you all shared several times over and was touched by reading different accounts of the lastingness and impact of such fleeting interactions.

Also wanted to say that these were soothing to read and you all write very well. . .

Best,
held

7/6/138:09 PM

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rebuildingmeMember

I decided years ago that I would never be the first one to end a hug with my kids. The hug would only end when they are ready and pull away.

7/8/132:50 PM

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peanutMember

HIC (such a cute abbreviation, my dog is 2 and often gets what I call"puppy hiccups"!)

You are onto something important here. Maybe ask your T a little about it if you can, because I recently learned how important a healthy, secure attachment between a mom and baby is for a baby, so your T might help you to do what you are doing even better! As I understand it, kids are looking for more than eye contact, they are looking to you to feel understood, when they are frustrated you probably mimic that back at them, same when they are sad etc.

Going by what you remember, which can't go back to when you were really little, your mom probably was preoccupied, distracted, and absent when you were an infant too - and your dad was probably angry. Maybe they had good reasons for that, maybe they just couldn't help it, and maybe you were born especially sensitive to how people around you seemed - whether you remember it or not, it wasn't the healthiest thing for you. My mom was very very anxious (I think it's a family trait, I am too) so I'm sure when I cried it made her a nervous wreck and she emotionally pulled away. My dad was in school, they had no time, they had no money, and I was prob a baby who needed more than average, not less. My parents did the best they could, it just wasn't great timing, it wasn't the best circumstances.

If a baby gets enough comfort, empathy, eye contact (psychologists call it "good enough" - nothing near perfect required) - then it seems they will grow up having healthier relationships with people. And maybe be less likely to need therapy??

I think it is really fantastic that you are watching your kids this way and noticing these things! Your kids are some of the lucky ones!

7/10/134:31 PM

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