I was reading the article on this site about transference the part about a reaction to a shop clerk, yes I had that this yr too and that makes sense that the underlying message I have hearing is, "you must take care of me", I think thats why this christmas break I have been thinking about T being with whomever she is with and this same silent message has been playing in my head, I feel so angry with her that I want to see her explode, but then I realise I will loose the good that I get too from her, but I can't seem to balance the too, but have too, because I she explodes then I loose everything, but if I submit and she doesn't explode I feel as if I am back to be a slave to her again, oh wait is this more transference? am I describing what my life was like growing up, that the hand that fed me also hurt me and I couldnt blow her up because I needed to be fed.

Ambilvalance, but how can just talking about this with T when we return heal it? yes she will listen and empaphise, but I still get left when she goes away, I still dont get what I want, but what is that I want? Is this very young feelings, a time before words? when I go to put into words what I want I can't it becomes just a giant longing, it becomes almost a desperate desire to be one with "the mother", the phantasy mother, do I want T to stand up, walk toward me and we disappear into each other? Oh how can talking heal this!!