(((TAS)))

I may well be wrong, but do you feel somewhat angry and disappointed underneath this? I hope you find a good way forward in therapy - whatever that turns out to be.

(((TAS)))

You're absolutely right, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to until you're ready. However, I can say from experience that I once (about 7 years ago) entered counseling thinking, "I just need to handle this one little thing" and it didn't turn out in my best interests. My 'one little thing' was actually a symptom of a serious underlying issue, and if I had had the foresight and courage to start tackling it then, I might not have had a mental meltdown five months ago. Take care of the small stuff if you must, but be aware that you might not reach a satisfying solution going that route in the long term.

SB: Thank you Perhaps...I just keep encountering the same things and realize I need to find a different approach.

Perhaps I will change my mind down the road but for now...it's what I need to do. He (The Therapist) probably sees right through those words...but it's what will work for now.

Thank you for replying T.

Affinity: I totally get what you are saying. I think I am in over my head and just need to find a way to keep things streamlined. I realized when I am with a stranger I am formal and cordial. I think this is how I need to be with the Therapist because he is a stranger and if I remember this...things won't be so complicated. I think this is the way I need to handle things...keeping the distance and yet, dealing with what needs to be dealt with.

Thanks for the reply. Will keep in mind what you shared. Always good to have a different perspective!

All the best,
T.

This post really surprised me, TAS. Certainly it is your perogative to talk about and work on what you want. And you probably know best what will keep you in a more stable state. It's just that a lot of times that's not what therapy is/does. It's about being vulnerable, allowing yourself to go into those hard feelings, sort them out, work them through. Yes, there is short-term focused therapy that addresses a specific problem. But that's not the kind of work you've been doing.

I'm wondering if you actually told "The Therapist" (why are you de-personalizing him?) your list of five things... if those were the things in your message on his answering machine. If so, it almost seems like you're baiting him. "I don't have to talk to therapist about how I do not like him."

I don't know, TAS. It seems to me like you're bailing but kind of blaming T for it. I fear this doesn't sound supportive of you. I wanted to be honest though, and these may be things you don't want to hear. I do truly mean it kindly. And I DO support you. I just hope you really think this through.

(((TAS)))I really can hear your PAIN, and I'm sorry. I realize that your perspective and mine will not be the same and doesn't need to be, and I realize your history and mine are not the same and that's all ok, but something you said about hating the "little Girl" in you made me sad, because I have felt the same thing. I've told my T I really hate the little Girl within me, and want her gone forever. The thing is, I'm learning now, that the little Girl is who I've needed to love and care for in order to heal, but I have neglected to do that because I was to busy hating her. As an adult, I'm learning my "little Girl" has to be loved in order for me to love and care for myself now. I hope I didn't over step my boundaries with you. I just want you to be caring and kind to yourself, because you deserve that. Please let us all know how everything goes for you. Hugs

RM and eme: Thank you for your replies. I am currently at a three day Volleyball tournament and will not have access to a computer until Sunday evening. I assure you I will reply

Thank you for caring enough to tell me your thoughts. Sometimes we think we see things clearly and we really don't. Hence, the need for another perspective.

Thank you and I promise to reply as soon as I can.

Best, T.

Hey there I am back! Three days of straight Volleyball and it's nice to be away from it for at least a few days and then we are off to another out of state tournament for four days...

RT: Thank you for reaching out and offering your perspective You stated: "I'm wondering if you actually told "The Therapist" (why are you de-personalizing him?) your list of five things... if those were the things in your message on his answering machine. If so, it almost seems like you're baiting him. "I don't have to talk to therapist about how I do not like him."

I don't see him as 'my' Therapist because he truly isn't. He is a Therapist to many and he will never be 'mine'...if this makes sense...

I am not sure what you mean by baiting him. Can you explain this?

Eme: I am sorry if my words saddened you about what I stated about the little girl within...I am sorry you can relate to such a painful concept as well. Thank you for your kind words and I hope you are doing well in your own personal journey towards healing All the best, T.

TAS, I understand your distinction of not saying your therapist is "mine." Although it sounds like you mean "solely mine." I wasn't actually thinking of "my therapist" versus "The Therapist" although it was that unusual distinction that caught my eye. While some people do talk about "my therapist," therapits are often referred to here as "T." "T" anonymizes the personalization. "T" is a name that also includes the role of therapist. For example, one could say, "I'm going to see T tomorrow." Or, I'm going to see Steve, 'my' therapist, tomorrow." "T" is the name we give our therapists here at PsychCafe. I'm not meaning to get all tied up in semantics - though I think it is well worth considering what I still think is depersonalization.

Regarding "baiting".... and this may be off base, but again, I think worth considering... If you say to The Therapist that you don't like him and you don't have to talk to him about it, it almost seems that you're saying: I don't like you and I don't have to talk about it. (But I still want you to care about me and give me the things I feel I need in therapy.) It's almost like a kid's tantrum - when Dad says it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed, the kid cries and has a fit and yells at Dad, I hate you! The kid isn't getting what she wants. Dad is the one "responsible," so she hates him.

The "baiting" is the teenager who gets sullen and says, "I don't have to talk to you. You can't make me." Provocative statements that evoke argument which then proves the point that The Therapist is a bad guy and doesn't understand. It's a set up - and not a good one.

You absolutely have the right, the responsibility even, to talk about topics of your choice. But don't muddy that choice with a pout or a challenge. If the points you enumerated above were truly insights and deliberate decisions based on your perceived needs - then make those changes. But don't sabotage yourself. Perhaps I misread them, but they sound to me like someone who is putting up her dukes, getting ready to defend her choices. It needn't be a fight.

Which leads me to my final concern - why are you seeing someone you don't like? Who you perceive as withholding? Certainly we can learn and grow while working with a difficult therapist - but it shouldn't be torture. It shouldn't be a re-enactment of past trauma. There are lots of therapists with many different approaches. I don't understand why you aren't working with someone more compatible with your needs.

I apologize if I have spoken out of turn here. I am well-aware that I don't know what goes on in your therapy sessions or in your mind (except for the bits I read here - and may well misinterpret). I just really want you to find more happiness and success when doing this hard, hard work. I wouldn't take the time to write all of this if I didn't care, so I hope you can accept that my intent is good.

Lots of hugs, (((TAS)))

RT:

"Regarding "baiting".... and this may be off base, but again, I think worth considering... If you say to The Therapist that you don't like him and you don't have to talk to him about it, it almost seems that you're saying: I don't like you and I don't have to talk about it. (But I still want you to care about me and give me the things I feel I need in therapy.) It's almost like a kid's tantrum - when Dad says it's time to turn off the TV and go to bed, the kid cries and has a fit and yells at Dad, I hate you! The kid isn't getting what she wants. Dad is the one "responsible," so she hates him."

I think of this in a different way. The Dad has the ability to change his mind but he won't. So, the child is upset because he won't. Does it make sense if I say for the child it may not be about not getting her way as it is about her Dad not changing his mind? He has the power to change the situation and yet, he won't.

"Which leads me to my final concern - why are you seeing someone you don't like? Who you perceive as withholding? Certainly we can learn and grow while working with a difficult therapist - but it shouldn't be torture. It shouldn't be a re-enactment of past trauma. There are lots of therapists with many different approaches. I don't understand why you aren't working with someone more compatible with your needs."

To be honest, I have gone out and looked for another Therapist. I walk away from those meetings more confused because while I want certain things and have found a Therapist who offers them, I don't understand why I feel as if I am being babied by them and that is not what I want.

Just last week I went and saw a Therapist who would give me exactly what I wanted. Yet, when I left, I felt as if I would be babied and coddled and really, the thought of it is warm and nice, yet, internally, I feel no strength in this.

I am feeling a lot of confusion right now regarding Therapy and I have to find a way to sort through this.

So, I think I need something different, I go look for it and when I find it, I find it's not what I needed after all. Does this make sense?

So, the confusion is I want something, he won't give it, I go look and find it, can have it, yet am hesitant in leaving wondering if it is truly the best thing for me. Even as I write this, I tell myself this sounds so bizarre. It's as if my brain is trying to figure it out and my gut is saying, "This is not the way."

Please forgive the unclearness of this post. I am in a clouded place and much of what I might have written may not make logical sense.

I thank you for replying and I do accept your intent is good. Truly.

Thank you,
T.

Dear TAS

interesting topic. Glad you started it...because I do follow your process and I find it quite interesting. And my humble opinion is that you are doing great although hard job. Just keep on going.

Regarding this topic, my perspective is like RT said...And your last post...my feeling is, that you do not like other Ts because, you want this T to change, to give you what you want...And he doesn't. and now you have a challenge, that keeps you frustrated with him . It is maybe related to your relationship with your parents, like you want badly something from them and you didn't get it...

As I see it...the thing that you want from your T, or the thing you wanted from your parents is so so so big...and important for you. And in my opinion, this is a thing you should get...

Things now are complicated, because you are attached with your T, but when he doesn't meet your needs, you get frustrated...Because you want Him to change. As you wish your parents would. And now you're feeding your frustration in a way, that its ok, I do not need to like him, or talk about it...

Nothing is wrong here...I can hear you and I maybe understand it wrong...But...This ''big thing'' You need to find it...within you or for the start with your T. In a way, that T offers you new and better experience in getting the thing...And if that means loosing this T, than that is it. But I think worth trying...

When you say, that this is not your T...and he has many other clients...It is not exactly true...Because he is yours in that day, for that hour or two, when you have session. But I understand you, I also was frustrated, because I felt that i am just one more client, for her..but I realized, that I am not, not in that hour in the day. It took me a while to accept that...it is like my friend...I do not have my friend all the time...I ''have her'' when we are together...

Dear TAS...please do not understand me wrong...It is not the case that I would think you are wrong or sth...It is just my perspective and I could be off base too.

My proposal to you is, that you try to figure out, what the important thing for you is, and where you can get help to get it. Adult you knows, that if this T doesn't work, dont feed your small you with frustration not being able to change him.

Go and try a new T.

I love you...and keep in mind, whatever you do it is ok...You have our support and I am so interested in hearing more, what you have or need to say!