(((((Gargyrle)))))) I'm so sorry. I often worry about this sort of loss. It is unimaginable and I know there is nothing that I can say that will make it better, so I'm just here, praying for you and offering (((((hugs))))).

((((Gargyle))))

I don't have much to offer except for hugs. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us here.

BB

((((Gargyrle))))

I'm so sorry. Such a terrible experience that most cannot even begin to fathom. I imagine you have spent the past two years in much of a fog...in survival mode. The fact that you have managed to survive these past two years is a testament to your inner strength.

(((GARGYRLE))))

Hi, I don't know if we've met. I am so sorry. What have you done to get through this awful time? I agree with LG, the fact that you managed to survive these past two years is a testament to your inner strength.

Liese

(((((((Gargyle)))))))
I'm so glad you shared about this. Grief is so hard and to lose someone so close to you... oh my heart goes out to you. There must be a lot of changes involved, and it also sounds like you lost part of you, or a sense of yourself too when Dave passed away... I have a friend who lost her H and she expressed something smillar. lots of safe hugs to you ~ jd

Oh I am so so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband - what a dreadful shock for you. I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you to go through, no wonder the last 2 years have just felt like survival. Doing anything without Dave there must have felt so difficult, so you have my admiration for just getting through. Do you have people to give you support, I cannot remember if you said you were in therapy or not - I hope you are getting some help from somewhere. There is nothing that I can say that will make anything easier but please accept the care and support that it always so genuine from people here on this site (((((((gargyrle)))))))

starfish

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I went camping for the weekend, Memorial Day weekend, the time when Dave died. Family was there, per usual, but I felt so alone. I miss Dave so very much, and actually more so, I miss my mom.
I am currently being weaned off of Effexor, and the withdrawal symptoms are AWFUL!! I have been having very freaky dreams, when I actually do sleep. This weekend while camping I had an interesting dream about my mom. She has been gone for 7 years now, and I miss her so much. We were very, very close. My T aalways throws at me, that she thinks I am very angry, and it's all just bottled up. Well I realized, from this dream, that I am very angry at my mom. For dying. I have needed her so much the last two years, I should not have had to go through losing my husband without having my mom her for me. I know that seems selfish, I understand that.
I also feel very lost without her. She was the one person in my life, that really felt I was special, to her at least. I'm not special, to anyone now. My child is grown, he has moved out and on with his life. He doesn't need me. I feel like I don't need me either.
I'm sorry - I am just so very sad today, and feel kind of lost. Will go drown my sorrows at the Dairy Queen.......

Hi Gargyrle,

Welcome to this forum. I hope you can find some support here. I know I have. This is a great place with lots of incredibly supportive people. Can I ask? What did Dave and your mom die of? I can't imagine the pain you have been through over the last two years. I am glad you are still here wish us. I am glad you have not given up.

Anger makes sense. I have had a lot of losses lately too and for some reason I feel pretty worthless too. Also I have had long boughts of anger. What I have learned is that grief will take you on a ride like no other. I think it hits on every possible human emotion that there is to experience and then some. I am glad that you are getting out (camping etc) even though it feels lonely. that says a lot about your strength.

IN the last 3 years I lost my T who I saw for many years, I lost my dad who died last summer and now my mom is actively dying. (My mom and dad are -were- in my dad's case) in their mid 80s so it's not unexpected but none the less it is a great loss for me. And I have had some other losses as well and i know what you mean by feeling that you are not you anymore.

Thanks Jo.
My mom died 7 years ago, after a very short battle with lymphoma. From diagnosis to death was about 90 days, she was 63. My husband died in his sleep, from either a heart attack, or a blood clot. He was 67 at the time, quite a few years older then I was. I am currently 45. My sons father - he committed suicide 15 years ago, and I'm sure I have never gotten over that as well. I'm just very tired sometimes of this journey of grief & anger. My T - while I think I have made great strides with her this last year, I struggle with too much dependence on her. I sent her a text earlier today and have not heard back, which always seems to make it worse for me. She thinks I enjoy being the victim, and being miserable. When I have the option to not be......I guess?? I don't know. Right now, I'm just tired, and cranky, and angry, and sad.

quote:

She thinks I enjoy being the victim, and being miserable

Has she actually said that to you?

I am so sorry to read about these sudden deaths. How awful to have gone through all of this.

I know I emailed my T and she didn't get back til super late. I was sort of down about it. Worried that I write her too often.

Yes - she has said that to me. She also calls me a Drama Queen, and thinks I'm immature & stubborn. The thing is, I think she is probably the best therapist I have ever had, as she has me working on actual, measurable goals, but it does hurt when she says things like this. I am very attached, and it's getting a bit harder for me lately. The weird thing is, I would rather have her saying these things to me, than to not have her in my life at all. Kinda pathetic huh?

I can understand how you feel. I saw a T for a very long time and felt the same way you do about her. I felt I was in love with her. I also put up with some of the things she said because I didn't want to not have her in my life. So I hear where you are coming from.

I don't see that T anymore. She moved on to another career. That just about killed me. But after about 3 yrs I am very glad that she left. I have reached that point. Looking back now she was very bad for me. She was judgemental and this judgement kept me in a vicious cycle with her. I now see a great T who does not judge me in any way and I am making huge strides in a short amount of time.

I feel like protecting you and warning you. My red flags go up when you tell me how your T speaks to you. What good does her judgemental stance do you other than to berate you and keep you in a painful, dependent place? Please dismiss me if I am not understanding but I think there is something really wrong there if she is saying these things to you. Even if you are immature, stubborn and a "drama queen" (I am not saying you are but just as example) THAT is not a professional way for her to handle the situation. I will bite my tongue now. It angers me that she speaks to you that way. Irresponsible at best.

I'm going to reiterate that your T's treatment of you isn't safe. I struggle already with feeling like I'm a drama queen, a victim, self-defeating behavior. To tell you the truth, even if all three of those things were true (my T tells me he thinks they are NOT), they come from an injured place that needs to be addressed. Just saying that kind of stuff doesn't fix the brokenness that underlies it. But, honestly, you have had a lot of heavy stuff happen in your life. Almost anyone experiencing those sort of things would be bowled over by it and need support. I know what you mean about the attachment, but I'm in a place where my decreased functioning and finances are meaning I have to consider looking for another T. I may or may not leave my T, depending on whether we can resolve my safety issues, get me more grounded on a regular basis (which I feel is my fault, because I must be a "drama queen" if I can't just stay grounded and semi-happy), then I will have to abandon this attachment figure. It feels like it will kill me, you know? So, I get it. It feels impossible to leave. But also, doesn't the part of you who feels so attached deserve to find someone to attach to who will give her loving, carefully attuned messages and interactions? Just something to think about. (((Gargyrle))) I'm no expert.

Gargyrle, I am so sorry for all the loss that you have had to experience

I too am a bit concerned about your T's comment about being a drama queen and thinking you are a victim, though I understand that she is providing enough for you to want to stick with her. I hope that you are receiving the support that you deserve.

Hugs
Butterfly