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3 replies

So freaking done!!!!

divadivaMember
I seriously hate these feelings. I hate being so emotional in general. I hate crying, I hate feeling like I take 5 steps forward and 8 steps back. WTF?! One week i love T and she's the best thing in the world and my friends are awesome and wonderful and the next I hate T for no apparent reason and I'm really distant from my friends and I can't open up to T etc. I know a lot has to do with knowing my relationship with T isn't permanent and I've been mildly open with her with about that. I keep thinking what's the point in opening up my entire heart and soul when I'm going to have to leave in a month anyway? Who knows what's gonna happen over the summer?! I don't wanna leave T! I hate that I have to leave her but at the same time I get angry that I have to and I think well it might be easier to just be angry with her that way it doesn't hurt. It's all just so complicated. I don't even want to go to my session tomorrow. This is the first time in a long time that I'm seriously and legitimately thinking about bolting and not looking back. It's so stupid I can't handle these feelings. I don't know how I'm gonna be with T tomorrow if I even decide to go....

The thing that's sending me over the edge is that I found out through fucking Facebook that a friend of mine from high school passed away in a car accident...and she was pregnant. I didn't tell anybody for 2 days until I was with my collge bible study group on Sunday might and even then one of my friends had to like force it out of me. I blame PMS for making so weird right now but in the end, I know it all has to do with everything from my past and why I'm so off and on with my relationships, especially with T. *sighs* I'm just so frustrated with my feelings and emotions ugh. I really don't want to see T...
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catalystcatalystMember
((diva)) I'm sure it is really hard to work with a T that you so regularly have breaks from because of school. I know that even knowing I will have a week gap from my T next week makes me want to recede so I can't imagine having a summer off. One positive thing from this can be that you'll see/feel that a connection can still be bridged over time - I know I have a best friend that sometimes I will go months not talking to but we always pick up where we left off and she'll always be my best friend. You can still take your T with you (in heart) on your break. I know that doesn't make up for it... and that it is painful.

I'm really sorry about your friend from HS. Sometimes we need time to digest things before we can talk about them, I know I'm that way. I'm glad you could eventually talk to someone - it really does help. I hope you can talk to your T about it also.

It's really hard going up and down in our emotions. I'm sorry you're wanting to push your T away so it hurts less. I did that to my T last week, would not even allow her to give me a hug, I just couldn't handle it. I did ask for her support and she readily and willingly offered it when I was ready. I'm hoping that you will be ready when you see your T - either way, if you're mad or not, I hope you can go to your session. I find I often leave session feeling differently than I did coming in.

Take gentle care..
joiejoieMember
Hug two

That's such a tough situation. I've struggled with not having a permanent relationship with my T too. In fact, I was in the exact same position as you last summer. I wasn't able to see T for four months, and I thought about her every day. But I came back in the fall and resumed therapy with her and it only got better. Unfortunately, the counselling I can get at this clinic is somewhat limited, although my T can't say when it will end. so I'm still kind of left wanting to hold back from completely opening up and attaching because I know it's precarious. That's a tough thing to navigate. Nevertheless, I am trying to open up as much as possible, get as much from the experience and relationship as possible, especially about this issue. I find it really helps to talk to T about my fears surrounding the end of therapy, so that may be a really productive session for you to have. I definitely understand the urge to just quit and detach, but I think working through it will ultimately be the best solution. So I too hope you will make it to your session and find some relief there.

I think therapy is very often a risk vs. reward thing. If you think about it, every relationship we enter will eventually have to end (though often not as cleanly or as soon as it happens in therapy). Despite this fact, it's still more worthwhile to have the relationship than to not have it all.

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