And not sure exactly where to go from there. T seemed completely unphased by my confusion over wanting (and resisting) parenting from him, though at first he didn't understand my statement about how it was connected to everything. In the 30 minutes before counseling I usually use to calm myself, I drew a map of injuries which filter through the transference, the ways he has triggered it onto himself (both positive and negative/confusing) and the projections, feelings and behaviors that result or ripple out from there. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about it at all if I was completely unorganized. It took me about 15-20 minutes to begin talking about it even with the map.

I explained how anxious and scared I was to discuss it and certain of being misunderstood if I tried to do it verbally. He reminded me that he's not in the habit of filling in gaps/judging, so any misunderstanding could be fixed. I worried that it would change the dynamic or that depending on what he said I couldn't trust him anymore or my reaction (projection) to how he responded would make me not be able to continue counseling. He explored that with me and seemed to understand and said if he weren't trustworthy, then finding that out was important and beneficial for me, but ultimately to rely on the fact that God IS trustworthy, even through T's failings, and He could work us through whatever it was.

I brought up the topic of transference and he didn't seem to be getting it at first, like I said, not understanding when I said it was "in everything." So, I showed him the map, but ripped off my questions first (he didn't seem to mind me keeping them and even offered me scissors). Unlike usual, he asked specific/direct questions, which made me feel good and less scared about being misunderstood. I sent him a journal last week where I noted ways he could get me to converse more easily and he seemed to be utilizing some of those methods. He again complimented my journaling as really well-written, deep processing and helpful to him. He even joked and called me "Dr" at one point. As he was reading the map, he was looking back and forth from the page to me a couple of times, which made me feel weird. I think I said, "What?!" LOL. T smiled gently and said, "Nothing, just reading your map." I felt kind of stupid for my reaction to being looked at.

I got what I wanted in one way, which was to see that T is solid and consistent, despite my changing perceptions of him. He will change methods to work with me, but he knows where his own boundaries are even when they aren't transparent to me (which is better, I guess, because otherwise I will just be trying to live up to his expectations). I explained how frustrating lack of transparency can be, but that I understood it, and he was willing to address some of the things I felt were causing me particular distress. For instance, me feeling like I've manipulated him to respond if he texts me and feeling like he's neglecting me if he doesn't (both logically ridiculous). He explained his own reasons for when he texts and doesn't and said he NEVER feels manipulated, and I'm not trapped, because I can bring my disappointment/hurt about neglect to God. He did say texting wasn't intended to be a constant thing, but a safety thing while I was still so unstable, which made me feel humiliated that I overuse it so much. I explained how difficult it was for me to get beyond this all or nothing stuff, and he seemed to hear that, so I felt less judged.

I think he also finally understood how telling him about hurting myself and suicidal thoughts made them worse, because sharing them make me feel so ashamed that it escalates things. He didn't want to tell me to communicate less, because he's genuinely concerned about things getting too much for me (and not 100% convinced of my perception they will eventually go away if ignored). Instead, he said maybe we could try to communicate more specifically about the shame that causes harming and the hopelessness that causes suicidal thoughts. I'm trying that today, because the vulnerability from last night is sending me into my usual "Crap, I've been seen" spiral. So far, the usual response where it gets worse and worse, which eventually just means me hiding it from him for a brief period to get it under control. Hard to trust him on this still...

He did pretty much what I expected, which was to say God accepts me in my brokenness and neediness and all the other horrible things I was saying about myself. He also thought me feeling like receiving care from other people was wrong (a betrayal for not wanting it from God instead) was just a rationale for my defense mechanism of abusing my dependence to be safe from getting hurt again. He expressed that he cares and it is from God. I knew he meant it in a loving way, but I of course heard, "I wouldn't care if God didn't require me to." I think what he was getting at was that human care is going to fail us at some point, but God can work through people in our lives to express His love to us and it's important to receive it, knowing that it is actually a way of depending on God (to love one another as He wants for us).

I told T that him being caring toward me was difficult for me and he asked why. I explained that it felt wrong in the context of a professional relationship, to which he pointed out I seemed to feel it was wrong no matter what. I admitted the truth that his caring makes me feel the deficiency. He seemed to think I meant my own deficiency and said Christ only meets us in our deficiency and brokenness, but I meant not having received the nurture I needed. I think he is trying to get me to admit the hurt (which I only actually feel when he triggers me like this), so I can mourn it and be truthful with myself and God regarding how painful it is. I don't wanna!

Regarding calling me "Kiddo" so many times, he said it just came naturally and I seemed like a "Kiddo," and there was no attempt to trigger me. So, I don't feel manipulated and I was able to see that he is more transparent than I give him credit for. On the other hand, that wasn't a satisfying answer, because my communication is usually so intentional, I have a hard believing it has no context whatsoever. Will just have to let that one go. He called me "Kiddo" again at the end of the session and then laughed sheepishly, "there I go again!" I think here is where I explained that it was confusing, because I liked it, but it also made me feel a loss/deficiency.

I really wanted him to be more specific about the psychology of how we were going to deal with the transference. Are we going to use it? Try to ignore it? Correct the misguided assumptions and behaviors that emerge from it? He let me run until almost 10:30 (and we started on time at 9:00 pm), because it took me so long to start talking, so I didn't really want to ask the "one more question so I can leave resolved" he will permit if we aren't running late.

I get the idea that he wants me to just accept my transference feelings and not worry so much about whether it is wrong or right and let God clean anything that is messy and heal anything that is hurt. Am I wrong for being somewhat unsatisfied with that? I guess I just wanted him to validate my feelings by saying, "You missed out on something most people get and it makes sense for you to feel a loss there, to struggle how you do. It's OK to let yourself need people. God is here and so am I." I think T really wants that statement to come from inside me, because he knows I probably won't really integrate that truth if it's from him. He is really talented at redirecting me to God, but sometimes I want reassurance that people will be there for me too. Even H has a hard time being consistent with that, so if I'm going to accept feeling dependent/trusting toward T for the meantime, I need him to be there for sure.

I feel like I just had an autopsy performed on my psyche and I'm waiting to be buried. This cycle is so exhausting. I think that's why I've been posting here so often. Really wishing I had a second session or other outlet to make the week more manageable after this sort of vulnerability destabilizes me.