So, I have a lot of questions. :)

metamantrameMember

Hello again brave explorers.

I've been away for a while, first enjoying the wonderfully calm, grounded, integrated phase I was in, then worrying over the slip away, and then stunned to be completely "back in the pit."

So, I've got a few questions today. I'll throw them out here, and if you can help me with something, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks everyone.

1) So, I was doing so much "better" and then it all slipped away. I can't really name why that happened, but it feels like I've totally regressed (or failed, ugh). Does this happen to you - periods of good, then not? Why does it happen?

2) I've always referred to my little person as 13 because that's what she felt like. But lately, that seems laughable. This little person I am feeling now feels so much littler. Soo little. Little enough that I find myself feeling NOT okay without my spouse next to me all the time (someone here mentioned the separation cry?), and I keep fantasizing about the feeling of someone literally picking me up. Has this happened to you? How many ages do I have in here?

3) Is it totally weird to be processing stuff that seems so little. I've been more comfortable processing older kid stuff. I'm stuck on something here, and I'm afraid it's guilt. I have feelings that I'm "allowed" to process stuff that happened when I was 10, or 13. It makes sense that things would have happened to her at that age that she needs to have addressed. But what could have happened to a baby that would be a big enough deal that they need processing. (I think maybe I feel silly feeling like I want someone near me all the time. I'm also hearing the word "mommy" in my head sometimes. UGH. That feels embarrassing. I also think I feel deep down that some of this stuff was my fault, and how could I have been bad as a baby?)

4) (AG, are you here?) When reading AG's blog, she talks about hitting new areas and needing to go back into therapy to see BN. Is this what happened to me? Did I do a good job with processing the 13 stuff, and I felt better, and now I'm encountering younger stuff, stuff that needs processing, and that's why it's hard again? So, it's not that I've failed, or not that I haven't learned. It's that I've dug down deeper, reached a new level of rock (pain and sadness) and it will take me a while to process it, and while I do that it will feel like this?

5) Can someone talk to me about the difference between attachment, and attachment figures, and transference? I think I have the idea that transference is negative. For example, I know that I have some transference for my spouse - I not only love her, and need her in regular old spousey sort of ways, but I also feel as if my safety and well being, my worth and goodness, are dependent on her mood, on her view of me, on her staying with me. Is that right? But how is this connected to attachment. Are most spouses attached? I'm attached to my friends - I love them and I need them. But wouldn't most people feel really rattled if their friends got mad at them? Or don't we *need* our friends?

I don't know - obviously I have a history that gave me disorganized attachment and I have a million issues around needs. I guess I'm trying to figure out the "right" way to need people, and I'm looking at other people's relationships and thinking "Wow - you have some transference there. You are being driven in that relationship by some of your old junk." But I'm not sure how that's different than "attachment", which somehow feels more positive.

6) How do therapists use transference to help us? I don't know, I think I'm still thinking about question number 4.

7) Can you talk to me more about the "double bind" that childhood abuse survivors experience?

8) (nevermind. I was going to ask - "How will I feel when this is finally "over""? But I know the answer - I'll feel like I felt last month.

)

Ack. This is a lot. I appreciate any thoughts.

7/31/1211:26 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

MMM,
There's a lot I could say but life is on the overwhelming side right now (car dying, then replacement car in shop, sick kid, work overload, etc. I'm sure you can imagine) so I'll try to reply more thoughtfully later. I have been considering a post on attachment and transference as this question was posted on another thread a little while back, so I will commit that my next post will address this topic.

Bottom line, my best guess, based on my experience is that you worked through enough trauma at the 13 yr old stage to clear some space out which provided the energy and emotional regulation that gave you that wonderful respite. Now that you integrated that, your unconscious is aware that you are stronger and ready to face more and so you're digging deeper. In many ways, I have worked my way backwards in age throughout therapy. As far as a small child, they need even more help processing as they didn't have the advanced cognitive skills necessary to make sense of what was happening to them. so you need to experience those feelings and memories and bring your adult understanding.

It's ok to feel like you need mommy, its a developmental issue and/or memories of how you felt, a longing to be held and protected is very natural for a young child.

I'll try to say more later and when I put up the post, I'll update here.

FWIW, you sound really normal to me.

AG

PS My favorite analogy for therapy is that you're trekking through a jungle, hacking your way forward with a machete, climbing over obstacles and getting really sweaty, every once in a while you hit a tall hill and climb above the jungle and can see clearly, and notice the progress, then you go down the other side of the hill and plunge back into the jungle. Do this enough times and you actually emerge from the jungle completely. And the journey is always longer than you would like or are comfortable with.

7/31/1211:58 AM

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metamantrameMember

(((((AG)))))

Thank you so much. Thank you thank you. I'm grateful, always, for your posts.

7/31/1212:05 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Hi MMM...

You do have a lot of questions and they are all very good ones. I will take a try at this one first, although AG gave you a good quick answer too.

quote:
2) I've always referred to my little person as 13 because that's what she felt like. But lately, that seems laughable. This little person I am feeling now feels so much littler. Soo little. Little enough that I find myself feeling NOT okay without my spouse next to me all the time (someone here mentioned the separation cry?), and I keep fantasizing about the feeling of someone literally picking me up. Has this happened to you? How many ages do I have in here?

It's not unusual that although you recognize your 13 year old child that there are other parts who are other ages. And when I say parts I'm not talking alters but self-states of ourselves (if that makes sense). In my experience my younger parts seem to be the ages where either my development got stuck or where I experienced trauma. I have a 6 year old and a rebellious teenager that I'm dealing with (so far). I have no idea how many ages you have in there. I can say that I have experienced something similar to your feeling of wanting to be picked up. In my case, I want to curl up on my T's lap or sit on the floor at his feet while he reads to me when I'm in that really young place. My T can tell when I get to that 6 year old place because I become very black and white about things and speak in absolutes (no gray area at all LOL).

And yes, as you process some areas of the past you will find that there are others there just waiting for the time when you can handle delving deeper. Sometimes you will look at the same issue or the same trauma twenty different ways. It's the peeling of the onion description that my T uses.

I'll try to tackle some other questions when I can.

TN

7/31/1212:15 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

quote:
3) Is it totally weird to be processing stuff that seems so little. I've been more comfortable processing older kid stuff. I'm stuck on something here, and I'm afraid it's guilt. I have feelings that I'm "allowed" to process stuff that happened when I was 10, or 13. It makes sense that things would have happened to her at that age that she needs to have addressed. But what could have happened to a baby that would be a big enough deal that they need processing. (I think maybe I feel silly feeling like I want someone near me all the time. I'm also hearing the word "mommy" in my head sometimes. UGH. That feels embarrassing. I also think I feel deep down that some of this stuff was my fault, and how could I have been bad as a baby?)

It is not weird at all to be processing things from when you were very little. It's likely that whatever happened when you were very little is pre-verbal and talking it through it almost impossible and instead you have feelings and reactions that don't seem attached to anything specific.

I don't know anything of your history so it's hard to say why you feel you are allowed to process things from ages 10 or so and up. But yes, bad things can happen TO babies. I'm not saying these things happened to you as a baby but babies can experience trauma and it plays havoc with their developmental stages.

NOTHING that happens to us when we are babies is our fault. And it is impossible for babies to be "bad" or to do something bad. Bad happpens to babies and children. Adults harm babies and cause trauma to them but babies are innocent. You may feel you want someone near to you because some fearful feelings or anxiety is getting stirred up as you delve deeper into the past. This is very normal.

Hope that helps.

TN

7/31/1212:47 PM

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bltMember

Let me share MY favorite analogy.

Imagine you're in a shipwreck in cold water. At first, you're only concerned with swimming to land so that you don't drown. When you finally reach the shore, you collapse with an enormous sense of relief. After a few minutes though, you realize that you are freezing cold. You need to find shelter. So you walk a few miles to the lights you can see in the distance, and knock on someone's door. They take you in and give you blankets and you start to warm up. You feel better until you realize you are covered in scrapes and bruises from the shipwreck. Once those are tended to, you notice that you are practically dying of hunger and thirst...

I think therapy can be like that. We can block out so many things just for survival, but once the most pressing things are dealt with, then other needs start asserting themselves to be tended to.

7/31/1212:52 PM

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bltMember

Also I want to mention that if you have painful feelings or trauma that seem to come from a very young place, it doesn't necessarily stem from abuse. Lots of commonplace things can be extremely painful or terrifying for very small children.

7/31/1212:59 PM

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metamantrameMember

Thank you so much everyone - you are making me feel much more grounded. It helps to know (or think) that this isn't really steps back, it's just me moving into new territory. That helps me so much - I feel relieved to think I am still making progress here.

AG - I'm so sorry that life is overwhelming, and boy do I relate. I look forward (much!) to the post on attachment and transference.

Several of you are mentioning "developmental issues" or "development got stuck." Can anyone speak more on this?

And, AG, the normal comment helps a lot.

TN: My T calls them self-states, too, so I get that I don't have alters. Do all people have these different self-states? And/or are these little people created by splitting (which I think I understand)?

Oh my gosh, your talking about wanting to curl up in your T's lap brought that same feeling right up for me. Wow. Yes, yes, yes.

TN/BLT: Yeah, I have enough knowledge of my upbringing that (especially as a highly sensitive person/child) I can see how it would be traumatic to be a little one living in my parents' house, even without overt abuse.

I have had trauma responses when the threat of abandonment feels high to me, but I haven't had those full trauma feelings in a while. Now, (with this littler person) I'm feeling more despair, grief, sadness stuff. Very strong fear, too, of being alone, or being left, but not so much trauma-y.

I'm open to discovering more about my childhood since so much of it is missing from my mind, and it has occurred to me that some of my stuff (major issues around boundaries, needs, expressing needs and feelings) are similar to CSA survivors. But I don't have any knowledge of that. I do have knowledge of the (non-CSA) abuse stuff starting from around 13 and going forward. So I guess that's clicking for me! I've been confused about the little one being here, as I don't know that she suffered overt abuse. But she could have. And just being little, being sensitive, in the house I grew up in is enough to mean I need to help that little person, I guess. Okay, that's clearer.

BLT/AG: I love the metaphors!

Thanks everyone -

7/31/122:26 PM

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bltMember

quote:
TN: My T calls them self-states, too, so I get that I don't have alters. Do all people have these different self-states? And/or are these little people created by splitting (which I think I understand)?

Meta, I think there are a few different theories of this, but as I understand it there's a general consensus among people who talk about or deal with "parts" or "self/ego states" that yes, everyone has them, and that having them is not an indication of anything going wrong. I guess the question is more of how integrated or dissociated they are and how much unprocessed trauma or difficult material they are carrying. On the extreme end, people with DID can have entirely dissociated self-states carrying so much trauma that they actually lose time when they are in them. Then you have people who when triggered can snap into a younger self-state and start feeling and acting like a young child, but they can still at least vaguely remember the experience afterwards. A little more integration and you may have the ability to stay in your adult self even when feelings and memories start coming up from a younger self-state, so the adult state can actually comfort the child state. I think that for the non-existent "perfectly integrated" person with no trauma, there would still be different self-states, but all of them would be more or less comfortable to be in, and shifting between them would be smooth and seamless. So for example you could be in a playful childlike mood and then shift easily into a more mature responsible state when something came up that needed attention.

7/31/122:48 PM

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