(((AV)))

It is good to see you around here again. How are things? Are you still working with a T?

I am sorry you found this out and it was upsetting. It does sound like a significant piece in understanding your family history, maybe more so because it wasn't talked about. I know a lot of people who have had "surprise" babies, including myself, and it seems best if it's acknowledged casually and thought of as a "happy accident". Of course it can take a little time and doing to adjust esp depending on the circumstances. I am sorry your mother wasn't able to make that adjustment in a way that could have made things better for you.

Hmm, I'm wondering how many of us here weren't planned? I wasn't! Neither was my mother and she's often told me regretfully that if she hadn't come along her mother could have made another trip to Italy. Sad.

(((AV))) I am sorry, what a terrible feeling, to know that someone would hold a house as more important than you, and especially a parent. I am glad, however, for the insight this has provided you, because I know that feeling of "am I crazy? or is something going on here?" Planned or not, you are a worthwhile, wonderful human being who should have been cherished.

And I'm glad you're parents weren't good planners, and that you're here.

AG

I'm so sorry that your parents and especially your mom, who usually would be your first protector and nourisher of your little soul, we're so callous as to prioritize a house over you. My H was like that, wanting a house first, because he grew up always moving from place to place, but it would be no excuse for him to not love our kids with all his heart. That's just...wrong.

I want to say, it isn't because you were unplanned, I don't think. That is where your parents may have focused their resentment, but a parent who couldn't overcome that sort of disappointment in favor of love for their child is, regardless of the circumstances, a resentful, narcissistic individual, due to their own wounds and temperament. No doubt if you had been planned, you still would have suffered...they would have just attached other reasons to it, because it was always about them and not about the precious gift that you are.

How do I know this? My mom has six kids with various dads. One younger sister was told by my mom that only she and I were planned. I ended up unattached, massively neglected, and emotionally abused...for no other reason than having a mentally ill (breakdowns during my childhood) and narcissistic mother with no idea how to protect and care for a child. One that kept wanting babies when her kids grew into individuation. It didn't matter that she wanted me and planned me with my dad. Other hard circumstances in her life became her reasons for not parenting me. As an adult, I now see her as very lost, wounded, and seemingly uncurably alone. It's a sad state. Parents will either find it within them to love and raise their children in the midst of disappointment and difficulty, or they will not. What they find in themselves has nothing to do with the value of their child, because it is located in the parent. This is why I work my butt off in therapy, because offering my kids all I have to give, even if it means struggling, is worth it to me. I'm not perfect by a stretch, but I can be brave enough to face my own darkness knowing that if I don't, it will creep into their little lives.

I hope I didn't overstep. I can see how it would be a painful thing to discover. For what it's worth, every unplanned child in my life, siblings, nieces and nephews, etc., is a precious gift!

I'm stepping forward to add myself to the unplanned, and decidedly unwanted, list. But unlike you, avoidant, I've known this from the get-go, having been told over and over by my mother that she and my father never wanted to have children and that I then became the reason she left him who, she also repeatedly told me, was "the love of her life." I was under a year old when she took me and left, and I never again saw or had any contact with my father. She was a cold, distant, repressed, fearful and withholding mother, from whom I escaped into my own interior world growing up and out into the greater world as soon as physically possible.

I'm very sorry, avoidant, that you had to learn of this about yourself and that it's causing you such distress; I surely understand. I hope that knowing you aren't the only unwanted one here helps; I'm sad for all of us. I also hope that you can address this in therapy and be further helped.

Wishing you peace,
WesternOne

I really wasn't expecting such lovely and detailed replies; and I'm sorry if I inadvertently gave the impression that finding this out has caused me any great distress It was more a genuine surprise to me. Although I've always known my sister was never wanted simply because she was the 'wrong' gender, I honestly had no idea that I wasn't planned for!

((((Draggerslovelyone)))) Thank you. Yes, trying to unpick my families dynamics would test the patience of a saint It's one more piece of the puzzle in place and will make for good session material next week. Initially I had one of those "ah, so that's the reason" sort of moments until I read some of the other responses here. Now, I'm not so sure it was the main driver for the emotional neglect although it has to a factor. I truly appreciate your replying as I know you're having a very hard time at the moment

((((HiC)))) Yes I agree with you about the significance of this snippet of knowledge. One possible reason it was never talked about was because according to my mother, only other people make mistakes, never her!

Thank you for asking after me and I'm sorry I haven't been around much these days. After being terminated by T1 (CBT or nothing!) over 8 months ago; I've been working with a wonderful new T for over 6 months now and it's fair to say I've learnt more and progressed further in that time than in 18 months with T1. T2 has such an eclectic range of treatment methods - EMDR; somatic; sensorimotor; mindfulness, to name but a few; and she has an innate talent for drawing the sad emotions out of me Hmmm; I just wondered if my lack of activity here is connected with the fact that there's no transference/attachment issues with new T - unlike with T1 - what with the forum being quite focussed on client/T attachment issues. Sorry; I've hijacked my own thread now

((((AG)))) Thank you for your lovely words; and yes, the insight this has given me is going to be very useful.

quote:

And I'm glad you're parents weren't good planners, and that you're here

That made me smile


((((Yaku)))) Thank you so much for your reply; and pleased rest assured - you didn't overstep at all. Actually, it was your reply I was alluding to earlier in my response back to Dragglepuss!!

quote:

I want to say, it isn't because you were unplanned, I don't think. That is where your parents may have focused their resentment, but a parent who couldn't overcome that sort of disappointment in favor of love for their child is, regardless of the circumstances, a resentful, narcissistic individual, due to their own wounds and temperament. No doubt if you had been planned, you still would have suffered...

Having read this a couple of times, I do think you are right in what you said and that my initial 'eureka' moment in thinking I'd found the answer was a bit hasty. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the emotional neglect would've been the same regardless of me being planned for or not; so thank you for your insight. I'm only sorry that you had to suffer so much neglect and abuse personally in order to know these things

((((WesternOne)))) Thank you; and welcome to the forum Again, it makes me sad to know that your mother would blame you, an innocent child, for losing 'the love of her life' YOU ought to have been the love of her life from the moment you were born.
For sure, I'll be talking through this new found information with T next week and it will be interesting to see how she uses it to further my healing.

quote:

I'm sad for all of us.

I couldn't agree with you more, WO.

AV.