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(((puppet))) 
Yep, I'm struggling, too. My T has a very strict contact policy: absolutely no email, and phone calls mostly for emergencies or appointments. He offers touch to some clients but not me, and I haven't even broached the subject of transitional objects. Basically, all the contact I have with him is in session. I've learned to cope well with this arrangement most of the time, but it can be very difficult when I'm missing my T and hearing others on the forum talk about the amount of contact they have with their Ts outside of session.
Honestly, as hard as it is, I can see the wisdom in my T's contact policy. With phone calls and emails, you don't always know when or if your T will respond. And faceless responses are easy to misinterpret. But when I go to session, I know my T will be fully present, loving and there for me. The strict boundaries let me know exactly what I will receive from my T so my expectations are hardly ever shattered. No, it's not always enough, but it's more than I ever had in childhood...and it's helping.
Yep, I'm struggling, too. My T has a very strict contact policy: absolutely no email, and phone calls mostly for emergencies or appointments. He offers touch to some clients but not me, and I haven't even broached the subject of transitional objects. Basically, all the contact I have with him is in session. I've learned to cope well with this arrangement most of the time, but it can be very difficult when I'm missing my T and hearing others on the forum talk about the amount of contact they have with their Ts outside of session.
Honestly, as hard as it is, I can see the wisdom in my T's contact policy. With phone calls and emails, you don't always know when or if your T will respond. And faceless responses are easy to misinterpret. But when I go to session, I know my T will be fully present, loving and there for me. The strict boundaries let me know exactly what I will receive from my T so my expectations are hardly ever shattered. No, it's not always enough, but it's more than I ever had in childhood...and it's helping.
Puppet, I understand just what you're feeling. My T never explained anything to me at the beginning. I hated the whole set-up and none of it made any sense to me. I left sessions many times completely pissed off and wondering what the hell I was doing and what good is any of this. It felt like this was all total BS. Then one day he heard complete confusion mixed with tears in my voice over the phone (he called me during a crisis). He told me when I don't understand something to email him and we will try to figure it out.......I never knew I was permitted to email him!! I just figured he never gave me a second thought after I left the office. Just the other week I was able to tell him (I was so afraid to say this to him for fear of insulting him) that this whole time working with him has been like me scratching and clawing my way through this. He totally agreed and I thought...."Why would you let me go though that, you jerk?" He said every single client is different and he is not able to know exactly what each person will need. I guess each client's experience has to unfold in it's own time. I wished he had given me a list explaining what will take place and how therapy works, rules, etc... never got the "list". So, I began to educate myself about the process. I read the entire internet three times (that's a joke). I read so much and learned so much. I expected him to have taught me all of it but, that wouldn't have been possible. I've never had the guts to ask for a transitional object. However, I would love to take the couch home or better yet, his chair, and sit in it all week. I could not have a therapist with a limited contact policy. I would have quit long ago and he realized that so he came up with a strategy on how to deal with me and it has worked wonders and the alliance is very good. I do go through episodes of "hating" him now and then; we work through it and keep going. I do think your T should be more considerate when responding to your messages; that would really hurt me and make me feel devalued. You could say that and see how she responds. All in all, this therapy stuff is not for the faint-hearted. It's tough stuff.
affinity,
i'm sorry you're struggling too
and ouch, touch for some clients but not you, that must really hurt. i'm glad you can get some sense of security from the strict boundaries. i can see that my T's string boundaries also help me, and her making me ask for things is probably a good thing seeing how i struggle with that. thanks for the hugs!
veryhopeful,
thank you for sharing and for understanding. i liked the part about the internet, i have also read like crazy, its as if i hope some understanding and healing can sink in, and won't need T anymore, but i know that wont happen. i have to leave her in about a years time so this break has been particularly difficult, especially since i feel like i failed badly at 'not needing her'. i wrote some bad things about her as i've been angry at her, but there are good things too, she is accepting of whatever i bring to therapy and consistent and strong.
p.s. i tried to find her in my dreams last night, but i got nothing... i was in a house waiting for my session, i waited and waited a whole hour and she never showed up, nor emailed or called me, i was almost relieved when the hour was up, as that was the limit i gave myself to wait for her. it's like she's disappeared, dissolved into thin air. next week is my session and i will panic, but right now she doesnt exist.
thanks for listening
puppet
i'm sorry you're struggling too
and ouch, touch for some clients but not you, that must really hurt. i'm glad you can get some sense of security from the strict boundaries. i can see that my T's string boundaries also help me, and her making me ask for things is probably a good thing seeing how i struggle with that. thanks for the hugs! veryhopeful,
thank you for sharing and for understanding. i liked the part about the internet, i have also read like crazy, its as if i hope some understanding and healing can sink in, and won't need T anymore, but i know that wont happen. i have to leave her in about a years time so this break has been particularly difficult, especially since i feel like i failed badly at 'not needing her'. i wrote some bad things about her as i've been angry at her, but there are good things too, she is accepting of whatever i bring to therapy and consistent and strong.
p.s. i tried to find her in my dreams last night, but i got nothing... i was in a house waiting for my session, i waited and waited a whole hour and she never showed up, nor emailed or called me, i was almost relieved when the hour was up, as that was the limit i gave myself to wait for her. it's like she's disappeared, dissolved into thin air. next week is my session and i will panic, but right now she doesnt exist.
thanks for listening
puppet
Puppet, I feel for you. The reading you do will help you and it will sink in. The healing will begin; it is a very long process. Be gentle with yourself. I've read this person's whole website (took a long, long time) and learned volumes from his knowledge. It is called guidetopsychology.com. There is a question and answer section also. I found such a wealth of information that, unfortunately, we can't get all from our T. I have had very similar dreams to yours about not being able to find our T. I show up at my appt and he does not "see me" in the waiting room. I wonder if I am there on the wrong day and feel very scared and insignificant; like he "forgot" about me. I think it all stems from us not thinking we are important to them or matter. I've had a lot of loss in my life and am always afraid he will leave me too; very difficult to allow him "in". I really struggle with that and drive my T crazy, but he understands. Try and talk to her about how upset you're feeling. I think it could really help you to feel better. I hope the session goes well.
thank you, veryhopeful!
i know that website and i think it's great. i've read most of it i think, but i keep going back from time to time.
i think you're right, but i can't let myself believe that at this stage.
i'm sorry about the losses in your life. your T sounds steady and there for you, and from how you talk about him, it sounds like you have a good connection.
the problem for me is talking about those 'shameful' feelings in session. when i'm there, my walls are up again and its such a struggle. i dont want to put too much pressure on myself for the first session, so i'll just go and try to be present.
puppet
i know that website and i think it's great. i've read most of it i think, but i keep going back from time to time.
quote:I think it all stems from us not thinking we are important to them or matter.
i think you're right, but i can't let myself believe that at this stage.
i'm sorry about the losses in your life. your T sounds steady and there for you, and from how you talk about him, it sounds like you have a good connection.
the problem for me is talking about those 'shameful' feelings in session. when i'm there, my walls are up again and its such a struggle. i dont want to put too much pressure on myself for the first session, so i'll just go and try to be present.
puppet
Hi puppet 
It is only after over 3 years work with T and lots of struggles and consequences of not managing breaks, that the topic of a transitional object came into my therapy. Last break time around (a month ago) I managed to spit out that I felt like she was just going 'puff', disappearing and I was scared of forgetting her, never mind the she's never coming back dialogue in my head.
As a result, we had a long talk (over a few sessions) about transitional objects and what they mean when we are adults. T explained it was okay to have one as a 'big' person. Also that having a physical and mental connection to her during breaks and wanting that connection was actually a good sign of attachment needs growing. She also explained that for some clients with trauma and attachment issues for her to have offered an object in the early days might have been too overwhelming for me.
Long story short after a good few sessions of talking about it: T offered me an object (Granny Weeble) from her rooms. She explained she played with them as a child, and she was offering part of herself (T's childhood) to me. Also I always notice that this particular Weeble is facing a different way to the other ones, so thats why I ended up with Granny Weeble and not one of the other two she has.
After the break T and I talked again about how it works with transitional objects. It's a physical and mental connection thing and for me particularly this object is about T sharing part of herself and her childhood. Its also a visual and physical connection to the safety of the therapy room for me.
I get it feels shameful or embarrassing or a whole combination of things to think about asking for (if the ground could have swallowed me up when the conversations were happening, it would have been a huge relief) but I feel less ashamed now as I look at Granny Weeble as I am typing this cos it reminds me of T and also reminds me of that relationship/connection and how far I have come that I can accept having it at the moment.
Does T maybe have a pen or something T uses, that might feel more comfy to ask about having
Hope your session goes as okay as can, and that you can identify something, like a pen, or cushion that will help you and that you can find a way to have the conversation about an object when it feels okay for you to have
Take care
Pingles
It is only after over 3 years work with T and lots of struggles and consequences of not managing breaks, that the topic of a transitional object came into my therapy. Last break time around (a month ago) I managed to spit out that I felt like she was just going 'puff', disappearing and I was scared of forgetting her, never mind the she's never coming back dialogue in my head.
As a result, we had a long talk (over a few sessions) about transitional objects and what they mean when we are adults. T explained it was okay to have one as a 'big' person. Also that having a physical and mental connection to her during breaks and wanting that connection was actually a good sign of attachment needs growing. She also explained that for some clients with trauma and attachment issues for her to have offered an object in the early days might have been too overwhelming for me.
Long story short after a good few sessions of talking about it: T offered me an object (Granny Weeble) from her rooms. She explained she played with them as a child, and she was offering part of herself (T's childhood) to me. Also I always notice that this particular Weeble is facing a different way to the other ones, so thats why I ended up with Granny Weeble and not one of the other two she has.
After the break T and I talked again about how it works with transitional objects. It's a physical and mental connection thing and for me particularly this object is about T sharing part of herself and her childhood. Its also a visual and physical connection to the safety of the therapy room for me.
I get it feels shameful or embarrassing or a whole combination of things to think about asking for (if the ground could have swallowed me up when the conversations were happening, it would have been a huge relief) but I feel less ashamed now as I look at Granny Weeble as I am typing this cos it reminds me of T and also reminds me of that relationship/connection and how far I have come that I can accept having it at the moment.
Does T maybe have a pen or something T uses, that might feel more comfy to ask about having
Hope your session goes as okay as can, and that you can identify something, like a pen, or cushion that will help you and that you can find a way to have the conversation about an object when it feels okay for you to have
Take care
Pingles
pingles,
thank you so much for your post and sorry i'm so late in replying. i've been so busy as we have visitors that i havent had a chance to check in on the forum.
i think you're right about that, i probably would have freaked out.
i didnt know what a weeble was, i had to look it up. cute! its so sweet your T gave you something from her childhood. but it also made me think, something so personal would also totally freak me out, so maybe i'm not quite ready for anything more than a book right now...
the session was more or less ok, a small beginning in reconnecting, but it usually takes me a long time.
thank you for sharing, it was helpful and sweet.
puppet
thank you so much for your post and sorry i'm so late in replying. i've been so busy as we have visitors that i havent had a chance to check in on the forum.
quote:She also explained that for some clients with trauma and attachment issues for her to have offered an object in the early days might have been too overwhelming for me.
i think you're right about that, i probably would have freaked out.
i didnt know what a weeble was, i had to look it up. cute! its so sweet your T gave you something from her childhood. but it also made me think, something so personal would also totally freak me out, so maybe i'm not quite ready for anything more than a book right now...
the session was more or less ok, a small beginning in reconnecting, but it usually takes me a long time.
thank you for sharing, it was helpful and sweet.
puppet
Hello Puppet. Hello everyone. I can identify with your struggle with your T. I also feel as if I am getting very little of my needs met, and not getting those needs met throws me right back into childhood trauma. My therapist has made it very clear to me that she is "unavailable" and when i say unavailable I don't just mean that she doesn't respond to phone calls or texts, she is just UNAVAILABLE in any sense of the word. I feel like she is not with me on my journey, but I am letting this all play out. I know that her lack of regard for me is bringing up major issues centered around my childhood. I am going to seize this opportunity to sit in front of a blank slate every other week and let it push my buttons so I can work it through.
I have never heard of the transitional object idea. I wish I could be the recipient of one. I think it would make me feel more connected, but I don't think she wants me to connect.
The relationship dynamics between therapist and client... grrr.
I have never heard of the transitional object idea. I wish I could be the recipient of one. I think it would make me feel more connected, but I don't think she wants me to connect.
The relationship dynamics between therapist and client... grrr.
gg... you may want to ask your T how further depriving someone who comes from a background of deprivation will help that person?
My T believes that it does no good to further deprive me of the things that went missing in my childhood. And that includes being able to contact him outside of session when I need emotional regulation, reassurance or support. I never had that growing up.
As for transitional object... I was seeing my T for only about a month or so when he handed me his pen. He said he only uses this one particular type of pen and he wanted me to have it. I knew immediately he was using it as a transitional object and to further establish our connection and attachment. I took it easily and still carry it with me 3.5 years later. He was very watchful of my reaction to his giving it to me. He said he felt that I could handle it. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him it was comforting and I liked it. He then told me about another client he gave something to who threw it away when she left his office because it was too threatening to her to feel attachment or connection to him.
When T left on a vacation he gave me a little pewter dragon to hold. It was something from his shelf but he explained that it was not a client gift but something he bought for himself many years ago. He told me the story behind it and it made me feel so cared for and loved. When he came home I returned the dragon but he would give it to me to hold now and then when things got rough. Then one day he gave it to me again and said he didn't want it back unless or until I was leaving therapy. I still have it. I don't expect he will ever get it back and he really doesn't either.
TN
My T believes that it does no good to further deprive me of the things that went missing in my childhood. And that includes being able to contact him outside of session when I need emotional regulation, reassurance or support. I never had that growing up.
As for transitional object... I was seeing my T for only about a month or so when he handed me his pen. He said he only uses this one particular type of pen and he wanted me to have it. I knew immediately he was using it as a transitional object and to further establish our connection and attachment. I took it easily and still carry it with me 3.5 years later. He was very watchful of my reaction to his giving it to me. He said he felt that I could handle it. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him it was comforting and I liked it. He then told me about another client he gave something to who threw it away when she left his office because it was too threatening to her to feel attachment or connection to him.
When T left on a vacation he gave me a little pewter dragon to hold. It was something from his shelf but he explained that it was not a client gift but something he bought for himself many years ago. He told me the story behind it and it made me feel so cared for and loved. When he came home I returned the dragon but he would give it to me to hold now and then when things got rough. Then one day he gave it to me again and said he didn't want it back unless or until I was leaving therapy. I still have it. I don't expect he will ever get it back and he really doesn't either.
TN
aww Puppet
It was good to hear from you, and that your session back was a slow and gentle start to a re-connect. Gentle
Pings
It was good to hear from you, and that your session back was a slow and gentle start to a re-connect. Gentle
Pings
Wow, reading about these transitional objects everyone is talking about made me remember something that happened years ago.
My first therapist had died unexpectedly and I sat in my new T's office, crying and I finally said, "I want my mug back." It was a mug that I had purchased for T1 while I was on vacation in Cancun. My second T, being the caring man that he is, told me to describe it. Well, low and behold, when I arrived at my next session, there sat the coffee mug on the table. I couldn't believe it! He had actually gone to old T's house and asked his sons if they would part with it, for there was a clien't that would like to have it. And they said "Yes." This mug certainly wasn't a "transitional object", but more of a "remembrance object" as it turned out. But I can't tell you how I felt knowing my new T went to the trouble of finding it for me. I knew it would be the start of a great therapist/client relationship! I'm looking at that beautiful mug as I type. It makes me smile...
LJB
My first therapist had died unexpectedly and I sat in my new T's office, crying and I finally said, "I want my mug back." It was a mug that I had purchased for T1 while I was on vacation in Cancun. My second T, being the caring man that he is, told me to describe it. Well, low and behold, when I arrived at my next session, there sat the coffee mug on the table. I couldn't believe it! He had actually gone to old T's house and asked his sons if they would part with it, for there was a clien't that would like to have it. And they said "Yes." This mug certainly wasn't a "transitional object", but more of a "remembrance object" as it turned out. But I can't tell you how I felt knowing my new T went to the trouble of finding it for me. I knew it would be the start of a great therapist/client relationship! I'm looking at that beautiful mug as I type. It makes me smile...
LJB
Thanks, Draggers. I really appreciate your comment and the hugs!
I have two transitional objects that are incredibly helpful. One T. bought for me, the other from T's office.
sorry i am late in replying again, this week has totally killed me!
hi ghost girl, nice to meet you! i'm sorry your T is/feels so 'unavailable', does she know you feel this way and is there anything she can do differently to make you feel like she is with you on this journey? because that is the whole idea of therapy after all, you are meant to be in it together. i hope it gets better for you.
hey TN! thank you for that, it made me feel validated and then i also felt protective of my T, that she isn't that bad (she's slowly getting into my good books again). generally she's given me things i've asked for, i'm just SOOO bad at asking. i liked that your T gave you the pen early on and love the story about the dragon.
hey pings, hugs back!
hi LJB, i'm so sorry about your first T's unexpected death, that must have been so traumatic, i can't even imagine. glad your second T was so thoughtful.
hey draggers, hugs for you too
hi RM, two is always better than one!
thank you for all the comments and sorry i'm rubbish at replying, i feel a little overwhelmed sometimes at getting responses.
puppet
hi ghost girl, nice to meet you! i'm sorry your T is/feels so 'unavailable', does she know you feel this way and is there anything she can do differently to make you feel like she is with you on this journey? because that is the whole idea of therapy after all, you are meant to be in it together. i hope it gets better for you.
hey TN! thank you for that, it made me feel validated and then i also felt protective of my T, that she isn't that bad (she's slowly getting into my good books again). generally she's given me things i've asked for, i'm just SOOO bad at asking. i liked that your T gave you the pen early on and love the story about the dragon.
hey pings, hugs back!
hi LJB, i'm so sorry about your first T's unexpected death, that must have been so traumatic, i can't even imagine. glad your second T was so thoughtful.
hey draggers, hugs for you too
hi RM, two is always better than one!
thank you for all the comments and sorry i'm rubbish at replying, i feel a little overwhelmed sometimes at getting responses.
puppet