God I am so pissed off and hurt and confused! I had the worst session today. I actually had myself ready to expose a bit of myself and my feelings in hopes of moving therapy along and it all backfired in my face.

She started by haggling over how few sessions I have left. I think I have more credit than she does. Now I have to go through my bank records and bring her the info. Like that isn't awkward enough it totally made me feel like I'm nothing but a co-pay to her. So I started getting defensive and said that I might want to just wrap things up soon so I'm not left in such a dark place when my sessions end. She suggested we use the next 4 sessions to keep digging and see where we can gland then wrap it up on our 5th and last session. I told her I can't do that. Her lame reply was that she can respect my feelings and whatever I want to do is fine. I told her I don't know what is best for me or what to do because this is my first real time in therapy. I reminded her that I've tried it in the past, and the first time when I was a teenager the T continuously told my mom I was on drugs (I had never touched drugs or alcohol in my life at that point). I tried again in my 20s and this T kept asking me about my beliefs and hobbies and never about my depression and then after 5 sessions she told me my beliefs were too outside her comfort zone so she quit me. Abandoned just like everyone else in my life. Now it feels like my current T wants to be one with me too.

So she said to tell her about my week. I laid it on her and said I was in a really hard place. I told her I was numbing out more and going to the "unreal" daydreams in my mind. She shrugs this off as something we all do. I told her how I don't feel like even belong in this world and how I often feel like I'm going through the motions and just waiting as the time passes, kind of like a spectator of my own life. I even admitted how I have extreme emotional reactions to external stimuli and people. I can go from very happy to despair in minutes just based on words or actions of a friend or my boss, etc.

I know this might not sound like wow, big stuff, to a lot of people. But for me to say these things to her was huge. Usually I freeze up and only show the professionally masked social self I've mastered over the years. I even told her this! She minimized everything. At least that's how I feel. I am probably overreacting, but right now I really don't like her very much. When she asked what I needed to do I told her I don't know. I mean really, if I knew would I still be sitting on her couch after 15 months.?! She said she didn't know what we should do, other than what we've already been doing....reminding me again that the process is slow. She reminded me how I'm opposed to trying a med change and exercising more and eating healthy. I was a bit miffed now. I told her I'm taking the damn meds, I buy and eat organically (I didn't tell her about the 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies I've inhaled this week) and walk to work. Yes, I'm overweight.....but don't sell me on the idea that all my problems are because I'm not stick thin like she is.

I am totally venting here.....but the truth of the matter is I don't know what to do or how I really feel. Anger is the place I know how to go to and I haven't learned healthy alternatives. Oh - I forgot to add how she casually mentioned if I felt Luke I needed to continue communication with her when my insurance ran out I could come in for $90....though she did say she knows that's a lot for a teacher and I probably wouldn't be able to. Doesn't this all sound like she's trying to just get rid if me? I have acted normal and kind and can't even pinpoint why.....is this the inherent "bad" part of me that everyone eventually sees? I knew I should have left her months ago before she could reject me too.....