(((Jen12)))

I haven't met you yet, but wanted to say hi and send a response to your post. I hear everything you're saying, about the exhaustion, desire to just escape for a bit for a breather, need to release the anger, feeling like other people just can't understand.

This may sound like a foreign or overly simplistic idea, but one thing that has helped me cope with self abusive tendencies is to force self care. It has taken me a long time to even view this as anything less than absurd given my automatic reactions to self-destruct, but making myself try it out led to the beginnings of relief I so desperately sought.

Sometimes very small things are all I can tolerate, just saying (I'll allow myself time for a hot bath, or a favorite movie, or favorite meal etc) to feel a small measure of soothing and escape from the hell of therapy work. Then as you mentioned, doing something physical in the sense of exercise is vital for releasing the aggression, and really serves as another form of self care. But if you can find a way to also add to that seeking out more people in your life to confide in and relate to, it may make a big difference.

My T has often told me that I 'spin my wheels' most in therapy when I stop reaching out to find connection with others, and insist on doing it alone. And he keeps telling me to force myself to do soothing things that care for the inner ache I feel. That my soul feels a sense of relief when it realizes I will care for it, whether it feels natural or not. And for me, I think those moments sort of make the rest of the journey tolerable.

It is a long chaotic process for sure, but know that you have so much to be proud of. It's obvious in reading your post that you have stuck with it and are filled with so much strength. It's natural that you feel worn down and angry, you have every right to feel that way. I am so sorry you have to go through this. For whatever it's worth, you aren't alone, and I hope you never give up in any sense of the term. You deserve to reach the place of healing and peace you have traveled so far to. The journey is worth it, and so are you.



AH

Hi Jen12...pleased to meet you!

One thing I found very helpful was drawing out on a large sketch pad all the things I've been able to accomplish since I started my crazy journey. What was I left with and was able to see in a tangible way was a picture that clearly showed progress. Add some dates/timeframes to it if you can. That way, you'll be able to see when you've been stuck in between your victories, big or small...but that you kept going. It's like tracking your healing progress but in a visual way. Almost the same as marking your height in pencil in a doorway when you were growing up. You may not think you're growing and still feel like a pipsqueak, but you're not!

Hope this helps or maybe even gives you a creative idea. I'm very visual and find it really helps. And, oh, by the way, we're not talking about having to be a Picasso, either!!

The Kid

Thank you to you both for your responses and perspectives.

I DO do a lot of self care (and I don't say that to be defensive). And this acute time of angst/fear/pain has produced a lot of growth.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of the "here we go again ... " I DO wonder if I will one day give up though. I don't think so, but I'm not sure. It's an option I'm not willing to table at this time.

Jen12 I am there too. I just started with a new T after not having one for a couple of months and I can honestly say that I can feel the horrible anxiety, neediness, fear and pain start in. I think I am going to walk away from it. It will be hard because I have been in therapy for so many years that it's actually become a habit. I worry that I will ultimately feel lost without that angst ridden relationship to turn to.

I am starting to see it like an addiction. Maybe I can break myself of it. Who knows?