I feel a little bad about posting again after not responding individually to each sweet, kind, and meaningful responses I received to my last post. I actually spent a long time writing out such a reply, only to have it swallowed somewhere into the belly of the cybercreature.

I apologize for not having redone that. Let me just tell you:

--I read your replies over and over, and they gave me strength.

--I felt surprised at the degree of grounding receiving so many perspectives lent me.
I want to redo my responses, just put it off because it was draining the first time. I still plan to do it, but am not in the right frame of mind right now.

So…I hope you can forgive another post.

I am a mess right now. One more week until my T returns, and I feel like cancelling. To punish her? Because it hurts to realize again how much my sessions mean to me, knowing that they don’t mean that much to her? I’m like a little kid who hits an adult, incapable of actually causing harm.

And I resent that.

And I am tired.

My husband is away on business, and my kids are SO DEMANDING. I love them. Of course. They are the sun, the moon, the stars, the beauty of the earth. But they have so many problems! And I am in so much pain. I’m so tired of being endlessly patient and kind. Okay, I am not really that, but I try to be, and it wears me out! My oldest has struggled extensively with substance abuse. My youngest came with a host of issues that require a constant stream of patience. Since day one. When I took her for an evaluation as a younger child, I was surprised to learn that she did not have autism. She has her own unique bundle, and my therapist constantly reminds me of how much I have accomplished with her.

I love her. I am grateful for her. But I am not able to give and give and give and

Where am I??? Where am I in this? My close friend needs me. I feel guilty if I do not spend enough time with her. My kids need me.

My brother and his wife came upon hard times, and they and their baby moved in with us. They need me. I adore my tiny niece and like spending regular time with her.

But I am turning invisible.

My husband is gone.

My kids are acting spoiled and selfish.

My mother died recently.

School is starting back up. Surprisingly, maybe, my internship is one area where I do not feel stressed—probably the only one. It gives me so much joy to share in my clients’ successes and I like offering support when they are hard on themselves.

I need my therapist there to remind me of the blurred areas that actually represent success that I can’t see right now, and I need her support!! I just need her to reach out her hand, figuratively, and remind me of what she sees when she looks at me. Because what I feel when I experience me is intolerable right now.

My family needs, needs, needs so much and my bucket is empty. I just want to sleep. Maybe for a year or so.

A big thing that is probably actually little that has me discouraged: an unpleasant interaction with a professor over email. I told her I had to take my daughter to the doctor. She advised me to reschedule. I did not, because my daughter really needed that appointment. So—her first impression of me is as a person who does not listen or care about her input.
So tired!!!!!!!