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3 replies

soaking in the message of worth

catalystcatalystMember
We're doing active attachment work (by active, I mean acknowledged). The relationship I have this her is solid... she's attentive, cares, and handles the fragility I dislike admitting with tactful grace.

Yet, she explains to me that I can't take in care - not necessarily care that wasn't her words but something more like affection, attention... I think being in less control in a way, less fear. (?)

I feel like I take in more than enough, that she offers very close to my limits as far as what I will accept. I genuinely feel like what she gives is... perfect. It's not like she's going to give MORE, but that I need to absorb it. But I feel like it's already absorbed.

She explains, in a way though not with these words, about the implicit learning part of attachment - the learning your worth, value, welcome, esteem, place, etc in the world - that it's a safe place, and people are safe. I feel like I already believe these things but I actually don't... and she knows that somehow.

I told her yesterday in session that... I can't take in more (and seriously she does a LOT and I feel bad that somehow she reads it is not absorbed, and then I think maybe I am in denial about how much I do... take in). It's the dismissive/disorganized stuff again I think where I let things half way in but take the casual stance of... it's okay to be without you, it's okay to be without care, it's okay to feel how I do and thank you for being sweet. So, I'm blocking that implicitly (I know I'm repeating myself, it helps me process). Anyhow, I told her that if I let it soak from her that I'm a valuable worthy person then outside of therapy I'm obligated to take care of myself in the same way (that's how it's supposed to work, right?)...

She's said let's not even GO THERE yet, just focus on this part for now. That means I was trying to skip steps again... and she knew as well as I did it was a set up for shame, which would just mess up our work.

I feel like we've got to this point where I have so many less defenses, and my T and I have so much more access to my pain... the last one I've got right now is worthlessness and I'm not sure what keeping it is doing for me, or what giving it up will mean.

Sorry this is long, but I strongly feel we've finished building trust and we're going to this level of processing the pre-verbal and initial traumas. I'm scared out of my damn mind.
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greeneyesgreeneyesMember
((cat)) this is as scary as it gets for those with a dismissive way of relating.

it sounds like maybe you're still scared of being rejected or abandoned by T if she really saw how worthless and flawed you think you are (and you most definitely are not btw!). I think it could also be a defense against more underlying vulnerability, grief, anger and rage. Because if your T is able to recognise your inherent worth and beauty, why couldn't your parents? As children we blame ourselves for our parents shortcomings but there is a point in therapy where one starts to really see how its the parents that stuffed up beyond belief and how could they? how could they betray our trust and love that way?
catalystcatalystMember
((GE)) Thank you for your reply Smiler I'm so not sure if I'm afraid of being rejected or abandoned... I must be, I think I'm most afraid of being hated or taken advantage of, so I'm not sure... that falls under rejection of some sort I suppose. My T sent me a card not long ago with one very sensitive line.. "Your needs and feelings are important and they are safe with me." It was contextual to some deep things I was processing, where I could tell her that I did feel attended to, and that my feelings felt okay in the room with her.

I always express my gratitude (to whomever) and it is such an intense gratitude that I do believe I feel like I don't deserve... so maybe that is abandonment also, or dismissing because I feel like I so greatly do not deserve things sometimes that I am so humbled. Who knows...

She did say in a way it was like re-programming/parenting since I did find the earliest trauma, the youngest feeling of rejection or at least unwelcome in the world (ah, you help me think so much GE, I appreciate it). I've been grieving a lot, intensely, which I'm not sure was supposed to come first, or later. I've been angry... lots of emotions...

I want to do this perfectly, and asked T how long it will take all she could say is... in her experience it takes as long as it takes. Her experience and knowing she does/had done this with other clients makes me feel so safe.

I'm not sure how anyone could love, or attend to me... I actively reject it, feel like too much... not that my emotions will overwhelm but my simply existing will.

Sigh. It helps so much to type things out, thank you.
peanutpeanutMember
Hi Cat,
Your 2 posts here are really amazing to me. (also, my apologies for - well, I'm not even comfortable with parenthetical hugs here, so my apologies for not. . .)

You told T that you can't take in more, and you say that you feel that you take in more than enough. But I wonder if feeling that there is a limit to how much you can take (which kind of sounds like "tolerate" to me?), that there is an amount that is "enough," kind of shows how you're only letting things half way in - as you said. I think T is modeling for you, exposing you to, something that you didn't (maybe still don't) think was possible - what our parents did wrong - showing you that she absolutely believes you have worth and value and deserve to be cared for. That's a huge shocking concept for a lot of us - imagine that some people just take that for granted! It makes a lot of sense to me that you need to take some time to soak it in by being exposed to it and aware of it when you are with T. I'd guess that the more it soaks in, the easier it will get to let even more soak in. But I can certainly relate to wanting to know how long it will take, because this has to hurt (you said it did, you are grieving, and angry, it's very hard).
You said that if you let it soak in that you are valuable and worthy, you'll be obligated to carry it out into the world (sorry if I got it wrong in paraphrasing). How much does it scare you to think of having to take it outside therapy and apply it by taking care of yourself? If that sound too hard or just silly because it's impossible, that might give you a reason not to let it soak in all the way with your T? If that is how you feel, it makes sense that your T doesn't want you thinking so far ahead.

Good luck, you've done an amazing amount of work and you must have dealt with an awful lot of pain to have gotten this far.

peanut

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