anyone kicking this ball around??
why can't i just chill out with people. i am so blasted boring....or so blasted opinionated. sometimes i feel such enthusiasm for life and people and just get all caught up in the moment (euphoric?) and then i feel later that i just made a fool of myself, as my enthusiasm was not contagious. so, i shut down. and get 'small'. and begin to hide. and feel stupid, and remove myself from the situation, or, from any interaction at all...all within a day. and i don't think this is bi-polar...i don't have the spending spree/sex spree type behaviors. and i never am a 'can't get out of bed in the morning/all day' kind of person either...if that is 1 and 10, then i go 2-9...just shy of bi...
sometimes i feel like a little girl with people, y'no? enthusiastic and wanting everyone to have fun. and i really see this bpd stuff sprout up...and the dependancy and the just CRYING OUT for someone to lean on and depend on ... a big sister to 'show my the rules'. dang, i ALWAYS wanted someone to show me the rules of life....and, am i wrong?? are there rules?? social rules?? i dunno. maybe there aren't...then, again, the bpd traits of...just who AM i? i only know who i pretend to be. the one who fits whatever the situation calls for and has for so long that she doesn't know who she is! anyone do this??
i dunno, i am feeling really alone in some of these features i am discovering about myself, and seeing them on the bpd checklist, i am starting to think this whole dx is a little thicker than i might first have thought...so i am looking for help here, do Y'ALL feel any of this stuff??
is this social anxiety?? it certainly FEELS that way, i guess i am wondering what social anxiety looks like for others.
and, the funny thing is, i try so hard to be social, and that seems to encompass so many of my issues, that although i FEEL all cati-whampuss about myself, maybe others don't see me that way as much..
why do i make social stuff so important to my well-being?? (old strings of my momma always trying so hard to fit in and she just seemed so desparate all the time about it...)
it's like, i have to have a magnetic pull on my compass, and it has been people pleasing for SO LONG (very unconciously 'parent pleasing') that i don't know WHO to please, if not the masses. i hear myself answering myself with my direction to be God-pleasing) and although i know that is true. i still feel askew.
i need to get my anchor directed upward. i guess, i am answering my own questions now. just pondering out loud...will probably delete. and, don't know why i consider myself so anti-social and introverted, yet i post all the time here and it seems, too much, much more than most i see on my count...but i feel safer here...invisible, yet my feelings still get hurt here. i dunno...funny feelings inside and they are getting speewed out of the boards again...comment, please if anything makes sense. i feel really alone in these weird thoughts. very ABnormal...
jill
Original Post
You are normal. but, what is "normal" anyway? Gosh, think typical yuppie, and a lot of those people are really unhappy, deeply unhappy and suffering too! You are fine just the way you are jill. But I know it is very painful to just feel, I don't fit in anywhere...yeah, I feel that most of the time too. And yeah, online, can be kind of "unreal" and add to the problem in some kind of undercurrent way... you are wise to pick up on that. It's so hard to be a person who wants very badly to be liked, loved and appreciated for the fine gifts you have to offer...but be kind of stuck somehow, or disconnected feeling no matter what...((((jill)))) Just know, it's ok...we all like you here! It's ok to post "too much" because, you should do what you need to do. Just try, not to worry too much if you post a lot and don't get a lot of responses, I say, because, I've noticed that when I posted a lot, it's just the way it works...post more, get less responses- not I'm saying that's reason to do it that way, no- but it's an explanation, it's just human nature, and nothing wrong with you. It's hard sometimes, to not reach out when you really need to reach out, I know that, it's the little kid thing...so try to be easy and let yourself do what you need to, but try not to worry if you don't get the response you need, always. Easier said than done. I know that's really hard. Be kind to jill. You are normal and fine and loved, just as you are. Hope this helps a bit. 