hi I thought I would tell you a little bit about myself and my experiences with therapy have been into SI sense I was about 14.at times of great stress I do still struggle with it but as I am much older now it is less. I more or less grew up in institutions of one sort or another from the age of 15 until about 23. I then quit therapy for years although I still struggled a lot I just didn’t think about it at all. Up until now it was an evil thing to me. But as I seem to be failing at life and being able to cope at all my husband strongly suggested I give it a try, so here I am three years later and still struggling to trust, talk and open up. Talking is a huge issue with me in life and in therapy. I have lost jobs, friends, and go without a lot just because I can’t seem to get the words.


So I have now been in therapy with my current therapist for about three years. I swear if you look up the word resistance you would definitely find me. he haven’t really been able to work much on any issues other than the not being able to talk and open up. I truly am a bit stubborn about it and just now being able to have the most basic conversations with her. Stuff like she insists I at least say hello to her .I know this sounds stupid but some sessions that is all I can get out. Although in the last few months I do seem to be able to get out more most times. One huge problem I have is that she uses to let me e-mail her but took it away about 2 years ago. I guess she felt it was not helping me .I would e-mail her about something and she would e-mail back but when I got into session I would not open my mouth at all .I would refuse to deal with it at all so she said no more e-mail, that I was to dependant on that as my form of communication and it wasn’t helpful, or something like that. So I was ok with that because I had snail mail, i didn’t need the instant gratification of e-mail.so I sent letters and again I would get to therapy and guess what .I couldn’t talk about what I sent her. I couldn’t even get the words out to read the letter .I wouldn’t even look at any I sent to her .so now no snail mail. If I send her a letter in the mail she will mail it back to me with a note saying to bring it to session and we can read it together. NOPE NEVER HAPPEN. So yes I can bring to therapy something I have written as long as I am willing to read it out loud .but I find that almost impossible still. Sometimes I can do it if I slip and send her something if she breaks it down to just one sentence at a time or even one word. Needless we have gone many months at a time without a word being spoken at all .not even a “you had me at hello”. i am hopping here I will be able to get some support and encouragement to bring things to my Therapist and to talk about them as best I can.


So with so much silence in my therapy .what is to be done? I swear I have the most patient, creative, hard working therapist ever. She mostly accepts my silent days. We play games, color, and sit on the floor, reads me stories, she will even talk to my stuffy if it will help me relax. Some sessions I think she gets frustrated and will say things like if I have nothing to say she has stuff she can do and to let her know when I am ready to talk. Or if things are really bad she turns into boot camp therapist and is really scary and pushy. I also spend most of my time convinced that she hates me and wants to kick me to the curb. (Who doesn’t) but I won’t ever say this to her because I would have to talk .not happening

Omg this was long I am so sorry I could go on forever anyway I am looking forward to getting to know all of you.and if you accually made it through this novel wow thanks ,if not it’s ok
Thanks
granite