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10 replies

Some of my ''weird'' problems with my T

N ninnaMember
This last month I have this really chaotic mess in my head... Can't cope with, and I am not getting better. I'm in situation where I am just trying to hang in there...

I have some problems with my T...she is great, really good T for 1 year now.

1st problem:
The problem is that more attached I get, more I want to hide and run away...I do this with everybody...It is a struggle for me, to keep a relationship and after I don't know 3-4 years I can allow myself that this person will not leave me...But that is unfair, isn't it? I feel really selfish, demanding, boring...I just can't believe she's there for me...is she really?

2nd problem
I have this difficulty starting my sessions...I get really anxious when I enter the session room. Me and my T often go with the flow...about my week or what was happening etc...And sometimes we start in quiet..I don't know...it is just like we're waiting for each other to start talking...Hate that...I call it therapeutic silence...and I am often numb, empty headed, etc...so it is fustating for me...so don't know what to do? Tell her...
How do you start your sessions...Do you have a plan of work...? Do you know what to expect in sessions?

3rd problem
Do you really talk with your T about everything? I have some issues when my Inny(my inner child)is really childish, or I just think she is, then I am ashamed to talk or express it-really. So do you talk with your T about everything or do you at least believe them that you can say anything?

4th problem
Some of you know I have some touch problems, I think this is due to my sexual abuse in childhood...Inny wants to be hugged badly, wants to be hugged for more than just for hello...But am afraid also...How can I tell my T this...wanting her to hug me...not in a sexual way, I have no such feelings towards her...But I am afraid that she might think that I have...I don't know...sorry everybody, really am in a mess...

You see, these things popped up, the other day, because an odler guy (around 80 old)...started touching me...I freezed up, didn't want that to happen, It happened so sudden and it happened before with some other weird guys...I was angry at myself...really...What is wrong with me? Is it written on my forehead: ''come to me, I am easy to find?''

I need a safe hug,tuch of safeness, can't do it alone anymore (the problem is, that my T is currently the only safe person I know), I don't need nothin sexual...

I am so sorry again dear co-forumersSmiler I will appreciate any advise, and i think i also needed to vent a little...

Hugs from Europe
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J janedoeMember
(((((ninna))))) If your problems are "weird" well, then we can be weird together Wink, 'cause I share problems that are simillar to some of yours.
quote:
I have this difficulty starting my sessions...I get really anxious when I enter the session room. Me and my T often go with the flow...about my week or what was happening etc...And sometimes we start in quiet..I don't know...it is just like we're waiting for each other to start talking...Hate that...I call it therapeutic silence...and I am often numb, empty headed, etc...so it is fustating for me...so don't know what to do? Tell her...
How do you start your sessions...Do you have a plan of work...? Do you know what to expect in sessions?


With one of my Ts, I sometimes bring in a written list of things to talk about. My T likes it. It helps me get the words out when I'm really struggling to start talking. With my other T, it is much harder to talk. I'm still working on that myself. I have recently asked her to help me get started talking about the big stuff sooner... so now she initiates asking questions. She hesitates though, and says so, because she wants to make sure I say what I need to say... ugh... which sometimes leaves me saying nothing at all... but we are working on it I guess...

wish I had advice that could help! sending you hugs from across the pond here in the states.

~ jane
pinglespinglesMember
hello ninna
I'm another one who has difficulty even after 8 months with session starting. So sometimes t will just say 'how have you been?' and that kick starts things. Other times I write and take that to session and more often that not give it to her before we both get comfortable in our settees ~(that way as she says she's got a clue as to what's happening) - sometimes t will read it out if i want her to, other times like last week she just read it to herself. sometimes it is a full letter to her or Sigmund Freud (long story on the latter !), other times it has been single words like sad or one time I drew a sad face. At times like this t does not force me into loads of talking but may ask gentle questions and I can tell t to back off at any time.
Perhaps silence is difficult for you and your t - my t is totally comfortable with silence from her and or from me as sometimes when we have looked at something really emotional as she would say sometimes there are no words. this has given us both permission for non-talking communication because sometimes all i need is for her to be there with me, another physical body if you like and she has shared the feeling or emotion with me simply by being with me (I have not been alone with it). i think the main thing is talk to t about this or if you can't try and write it down, so no i agree with jane you are not weird because many of us have experienced this issue - be gentle to yourself with these issues
JMB
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
Hi Ninna,

I don't think these are weird problems either. I think about these kinds of things fairly regularly and figured it was normal. Smiler I don't have the answers to any of your problems, but I'm happy to type out some of my thoughts and experiences, just for the sake of relating, and who knows, perhaps something will correlate.

1st problem:
Oh heck, I can relate to this. A lot of the time I feel that T cares about me and that she really is there for me, other times I feel keenly aware of the fact that making people feel cared for is, in fact, her job. That doesn't mean the caring isn't real, but when I think about it this way it feels less personal-- like I am a generic recipient of T's general goodwill towards mankind. Still, perhaps that is enough.

2nd problem:
Sometimes I go to a session with what I want to say very clearly mapped out in my head, other times I just sort of show up with no clear plan and start babbling. I find when I plan my disclosures out carefully ahead of time there are less awkward moments and floundering for something to say, but at the same time, when I plan things out it can feel like I'm reading a script in session, that I'm disconnected emotionally and not really learning anything from the experience. I suppose everybody is different, but I find I get the most out of my sessions when I allow them to be a bit more free flowing as opposed to rigidly controlled. I can do this and still have a theme or a subject in mind that I use a springboard, though. I think that works well.

3rd problem:
There are some things I don't really talk with T about, or at least that I haven't so far. For instance, I prefer not to discuss my marriage with her in much depth. Sometimes I wonder if T finds that odd, but I suspect our views on marriage differ significantly so I'm not sure I'd find her input all that helpful. Also, I'm not really there for marriage counseling. Then there are a few things that I don't talk about because they are too embarrassing and I'm not sure she'd understand. I feel comfortable talking to her about most things, though. I think that's good enough. At least the therapy seems to be working.

4th problem:
Personally, I wouldn't worry about her misunderstanding your request. I think most Ts are intuitive enough to distinguish the request for a hug that springs from a need for comfort and reassurance from one that is spurred by erotic transference. Surely there are vibes that notify them to the presence or absence of such desire. Smiler

Just my thoughts! Hope this helps.
sdsdMember
Hi Ninna,

Just a couple of things that I can comment on.

I am notorious for going quiet in sessions. Hopeless. I forget how to speak.... I write things down, things that have come up as memories during the week or issues - or I would have emailed T during the week and she picks things out of that to talk about. Sometimes I have read things out to her - and we take it from there.

Silences - this happens to us. I usually just shut up and look at T and wait for her to jump in. She can tell when I have finished talking or having difficulty but wanting to talk versus me not wanting to talk. Sometimes I try and throw her off a tough subject that she wants me to talk about - and we laugh - as she always brings me back. Sometimes we need silence as I am thinking - occasionally she will say something and I will say "hold on I am still thinking". We do have uncomfortable silences at times.

I don't talk to T about everything - and I tell her that there is stuff that I hadn't told her or won't tell her. She says that is fine and when I want to talk I can.

Touch - we dont touch nor hug - so that isn't an issue.
H hoosierMember
6 months ago I switched Ts. My former T I had seen on and off for nearly 8 years. She really controlled our sessions and often that would result in us not talking about things I wanted to discuss. I found that by writing a letter to her in advance often helped as I would write it in stages over the week capturing all the chaotic thoughts I was having. But I didn't tell her everything and I think I suffered for it. My new T has been much different. She usually starts by following up on topics we covered last week and getting my thoughts about that. When I first started with her, she asked me to list all of the significant events of my life starting as early as I could remember. We have been working through my list with many detours as we delve into the material. I have made a commitment to try to talk to her about everything I can because I don't want to be in therapy for another 8 years (at least not because I am miserable). That has proven to be a huge help in structuring our sessions and getting the most out of our time. You might try doing that even if you don't share it so that you can pick topics from it and its also really satisfying to check off items from your list as you work through them. Definitely raise this issue with your T. She probably has some really good ideas on how she likes to support you and help you. Good luck.
unbrokenunbrokenMember
Ninna,

JD said it best. If you are weird..then we all must be weird. I could have written your same message.

1st problem: I have only been in therapy for about four months now and I go through periods of wanting to run like the wind. I actually took up running at the gym because I wanted to run so badly. It's been useful in ways to allow me to feel free and feel like I am getting away..at least in my mind. But, yes, when I get too close to T--I want to run. It's my coping mechanism. Run to escape danger.

2nd problem: Starting is always hard. T always makes some crack about the weather..and then we sit and breathe together sometimes. I use the week between sessions to really hash out my feelings and that's what I will talk about with T. I typically have an idea going in what the main topic will be, but sometimes other things will pop up. Sometimes I play it by ear, but mostly I have a whole "shitload" of stuff to talk about.

3rd problem: I seem to have somewhat of a missing censor and tell T just about everything. Right now I am struggling though because this inner child (I love that you call yours inny! SO cute) is wanting so bad to say stupid stuff..or at least the adult me thinks it's completely ridiculous. She wants to tell T that she hates that she sees other patients and wants to be the one and only--and is totally jealous thinking T gives to others like she gets. She's such a child...LOL!


4th problem: Same issues here. Sexual abuse... older men FREAK me out. I want to be HUGGED so bad by T because I never had that motherly love of a pure hug. I missed out on that, and want it so bad. This is another thing I have yet to discuss with T.

Believe me venting here is the best place. You've got lots of people who understand where you are coming from..people who have been there and can offer you advice on how to approach the next step, and people going through the exact same thing you are. Good luck to you in all of this. I know it will work out in the end.

AND one lesson I have learned in therapy thus far--if it feels like you just can't talk about it...force yourself! That's when the breakthroughs occur!

Broken
N ninnaMember
Thank you all...

Thank you for making me feel less weirdSmiler...Really...

I am still trying to hang on...Still I had a nice session yesterday...I got the hug...I think she felt it...It was really intense session...

I started to talk...just saying I am not okay...That i feel like I don't wanna live anymore...-no suicide thoughts...just apathic...towards everything...yep-depressionSmiler...than she started with questions, and I told her my Inny is geting really loud etc...At the end of my session things got really worse (she asked me to try to do something nice with Inny and I couldn't), my breathing was really fast,not to mention my heartbeat, etc ...I think my T saw that...at that point I just said I have to go...her voice is always so calm...she calmly said that it is ok what ever I was feeling, she stopped with questions why do I think I feel like that, (thank God)...she asked me if she can touch me...and I said yes...then she hugged me and said, that it is ok if I can't do it right now, that it is nothing wrong me, that she is there, and so on and on. And for the first time, Inny heard her...believed her...and I calmed down a little...so I was able to go home...

I really appreciated, that my T didn't just send me home...eventhough my hour ended...

Therapies are so hard...I wanna tell you...everybody on this forum, I am so proud of all of you, doing therapy work, doing sth for yourself and I think you are the most courageous people I know!...

Yes I am a bit emotional today, but really mean it...! Big Grin

This thing with a list that most of you suggested it is a really good idea...and I will try that....You all gave me really good advise.

And I was thinking to ask her if I can once have a 2 hour session...it happened so often, that i got emotional at the end of the session and it is hard then just to finish...I do not know she will accept it...but will see...

Broken thank you ...yes it is exactly as you written. I am sorry that you feel the same way, however a little bit glad for my self, knowing I am not the only one...We will get through this, right? Smiler
H hemlockMember
Chiming in to say "not weird at all, Ninna."

Particularly, for me, the issue of touch. I can only do it if my brain shuts down so that I'm not really present for the handshake or the hug, to say nothing of more intimate touch.

I finally raised that issue with T, sharing with him an incident I posted about a few months ago where I wasn't expecting his proffered hand for a handshake and completely freaked out. We discussed the fear aspect and he held out his index finger asking me to touch his. I sit VERY far away from him so instead of just sliding over on the couch, I leaned all the way over (awkward position and I'm sure I looked like a moron, lol) and we touched index fingers. I shut my eyes and tried to stay with it while he talked to me...basically, "this is safe, there's no harm here, I won't hurt you, this is good touch, touch is important, you need good touch" etc.

While his effort was appreciated and I've thought so much about that moment, my brain still shut down and blocked out any feeling. Frowner

So all of those words above, Ninna, to say that this is a long process -- to mend our brains and experience how to relate to ourselves and others in a healthy satisfying and enriching way takes so much time.

Hang in there.

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