I'm sorry! That was extremely insensitive, from my point of view. Rather than punish yourself by skipping, maybe just let him know how it made you feel and it can be good material to discuss in your next session?

Daisy,

I can't even imagine my T doing that to me. I would be really upset and I can see why you would be too!!! It's difficult to say how you should handle it. Tell him it was your understanding that it is your slot and you want it or else you will find another therapist?

I wonder if perhaps this was a new client and he was trying to fit them into his schedule, that was the only time available to the new client, and T made a bad decision under the assumption that you wouldn't be wanting to meet weekly. Regardless, I can see how it would be hurtful and how you would feel insignificant as a result of his actions. However, I do think this has more to do with T trying to be flexible in general rather than being dismissive of you. Not defending him. Just pointing out that I don't think its a reflection of his feelings for you.

I agree with LG. It sounds like he misunderstood your desire to come weekly still or just plain didn't listen and thought that slot was open. I think it is definitely something that should be discussed at your next session. That is great material for therapy and practicing setting boundaries. I'm sorry it was so upsetting. I would have been really upset by that as well.

Daisy,
Sorry this happened to you. Though, I am also betting that there was some sort of communication breakdown, I understand why you are so upset by it. I hope you will keep your appointment and talk through your feelings about it with him.
seablue

This happened to me once.
It was upsetting but I clearly stated that I wanted my old time back. (I got pushed an hour later.) The next week again he had given away my time, again so I booked at the later session and then booked my original session time for the next 4 weeks after that. I actually made him write the sessions down in his day planner. That nipped that in the bud!

Instead of calling and cancelling why don't you call and clearly stated that you want to book sessions for X day at X time till the end of May. Review the specfic dates and times with him and then there is not excuse for him to book someone else in. If he protests just clearly state that you like having a consistant time and it works well with your life.

I hate to say this but this is a growth opportunity for you.

CNC

Thankyou all for your replies I'm so glad it's not just me that would be upset by this situation. It is just making me feel insecure as he has said that he thinks I should move to a cheaper therapist now that I'm self funding (he works as part of a hospital group so has no say over what patients are charged)and I had to tell him several times that I would be staying. Then last week he cancelled on me so all in all just feeling like my security with him has been taken away and he might at some point tell me to move on.

He also said yesterday that there was no point in me coming weekly if I wasn't prepared to do stuff between sessions it just becomes a waste of money. Now with feeling bad about this whole situation I'm feeling much worse and have an empty weekend ahead of me and knowing that I'm unlikely to do what he asked me to do before the next Thursday so yet again feel like I should just cancel.

Argggg I hate this.

Daisy.

Daisy,

What are you describing sounds like several different issues.
1. T is concerned about your having to fund out of pocket.
2. T doesn't think you are doing enough work between sessions.


I wonder if he is projecting when it comes to issue number one. Perhaps he feels guilty about how much clients are being charged to use his services at that facility.

And for issue #2, that is something that needs to be discussed more in depth with T. What does he want for you to be doing in between sessions?

What are you describing sounds like several different issues.
1. T is concerned about your having to fund out of pocket.
2. T doesn't think you are doing enough work between sessions



Agree completly about point number 1 - he has said in the past that he has an issue with how much the hospital charges. But surely if I'm prepared to pay then it is my business afterall he has nt idea how much I earn and how much I have in savings and he is letting it intrude into my session.

He wants me to do more to interact with people and increase the amount of contact I have. He has a point as this weekend I won't speak to anyone between leaving work on friday and monday morning, but sometimes it is just too hard and I find myself putting things off. He said I may use therapy as an excuse not to do things.

Daisy.

So if you are using therapy as an excuse not to do things and you find a new therapist, won't you still be using therapy as an excuse not to do things??? His logic doesn't make sense.

How long have you been with him Daisy??? Just to offer a contrast, my T never pushes me to do anything. Maybe that's a bad thing. But maybe I'm not ready yet. And, maybe you are not ready yet. Do you know why it's too hard for you to speak to anyone over the weekend? Has he explored this with you??/

His point being that as sessions are so expensive with him I don't have time to waste and should be pushing myself. If I was with another T then I would be able to stay in therapy longer so there wouldn't be so much of a time constraint. But he has no idea what my financial position is.

I have been with him since July 2009 but now that I'm paying he wants to push me so much more. He said if I wasn't prepared to work at it then it would just be a waste of time and money.

I have a hard time contacting people because I feel like I'm intruding on their lives. All my friends are married with children so on weekends I would just feel like I would be an annoyance if I contacted them. T hasn't really worked through this with me beyond telling me that I am important and that I need to prove it to myself by contacting people more.

quote:

I have a hard time contacting people because I feel like I'm intruding on their lives. All my friends are married with children so on weekends I would just feel like I would be an annoyance if I contacted them.

Daisy, I could have written this myself. This has ALWAYS been my excuse for not calling people - I don't want to intrude on their time. It is a great excuse for me, and one that I haven't yet brought up with my T, but definitely need to.

I know that this all stinks. I understand why your T is pushing you, but I think I'd feel pretty rotten myself if I were in your shoes. I look at my counseling as costing me $2/minute, and when I was paying out of pocket, I hated wasting a second of that time. I think, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is bring up what you just posted, and then work from there?

It's uncomfortable, it hurts, it's painful, it stinks, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

(((((Daisy)))))

I ended up emailing my T to tell him how upset I was by all of this. Didn't really expect an answer as it's sunday but he got back to me a couple of hours later saying that I was important and sometimes he gets booking times wrong and if I wanted further support by phone he was back in the office on Tuesday.

I should be pleased by this response but all I'm feeling is uncomfortable for making a big deal of something which in the bigger picture is quite trivial.

Welcome, Daisy!
"He said if I wasn't prepared to work at it then it would just be a waste of time and money."

My T projects his own guilt at me in the same way. you are doing this for you. Are you seeing at least some improvement? For me, T keeps me out of a very bad spiral, and while I may not make huge improvements, not dipping *that* low, like I would if I had to cut off contact- is really important to me. It sounds almost as if you are in a similar predicament?

I would like to point out to you, that you can certainly tell T that you have contacted people this weekend- here you are, contacting us! (Hi, Daisy...and hugs!) So- clearly, improvements are being made in your life- am I right? Would you have done this before therapy, or would it have been to scary and hard, even to make some friends online? So...here you are- contacting friends! good for you! Tell your T! Maybe you just needs ome friends who can understand where you are at...and that is perfectly normal. Therapy is really hard, and people not in it often have very hard time to understand us at ht e heart of what we are going through in transference.

The response he gave you was great! and your response to it is also normal...for a hurting person. You feel you have made a big deal out of nothing...but, that is a feeling- and not a reflection of the truth in this instance. You had a need and expressed it- that is a huge deal in therapy world, so- good for you, again- that is another progress. Personally, I think your T will be real proud of you, if you tell about how hard this stuff was for you, but that you did it anyway.

Welcome aboard!

BB

Oh Daisy, I am glad you contacted your T and that he responded so quickly! This really is NOT a trivial thing - I think any of us would feel let down by what happened with your appt time. And this might be just my own stuff, but especially when another client comes into the mix. Please ignore if it doesn't apply to you, but I get VERY TERRITORIAL with my T when it comes to the "others." I also know that embarassed or sometimes guilty feeling that creeps in after contacting T. Please try to be gentle with yourself. I think you did the right thing by contacting him and letting him know how you are feeling - at the very least, you let him in on it - not always easy.
I hope you are feeling better today!
seablue