I had something kind of subtle happen this week that nonetheless feels very significant. I've always had a weight problem and knew someday I was going to have to deal with my misaligned relationship with food, but I don't think I've ever felt quite ready to. I found a book called "When Food is Love" by a woman who REALLY gets it. It led to a breakthrough in dealing with transference with my T. She had a chapter on how we somehow believe that losing weight or the right relationship will "heal" us and make it like the damage had never happened. It made me realize that the intensity with which I wanted a relationship with my T outside of therapy was about making my childhood and the abuse not happen. And that couldn't work. Nothing could change the fact that it happened. Once I realized that (I talked to my T last session) I realized that the only thing I can do is let myself (finally!) feel those feelings and mourn the losses. I kept reading the book and she talks about trusting yourself, eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full. So I decided to try it, then realized that its a valuable tool. If I go to eat (which, wow, I do with an incredibly unthinking frequency) I make myself check in with myself and if I'm not physically hungry, then I have to look at my emotional state and try to identify what are the feelings I'm trying to push away with food? I realized a couple of days later while doing this, that I was experiencing this slowly growing feeling of dread that I kept trying to ignore, which was why I kept reaching for food. So I slowed down (again, unusual for me) and held still and let the feelings come. I realized that my T and I had been working extensively both with expressing anger and talking about the abuse both of which were major no-nos in my childhood and there was a part of me screaming that I was in danger and was going to be punished. Then, and this was REALLY different, I got right away that I wasn't going to be able to think my way out of this. That no matter how much I understood that I wasn't doing anything wrong and that I wasn't in danger, my right brain wasn't buying it. I needed to experience something different not just understand it differently. So with much less struggle than it normally involves (I hate calling between sessions), I called my T (who has been really encouraging me to do so, so I can learn to move toward someone when I'm needy instead of away, did I mention he's a really good t?) and explained how I felt and that I needed reassurance which he was glad to give me. Felt a LOT better afterward. He actually said to me on the phone when I said I couldn't think my way out of it that he was really glad I called and wasn't it a lot easier doing it this way? It just all felt so different. And I know that it will get hard again and I won't always think so clearly but it really felt like progress. So I'm actually feeling kind of excited and optimistic and it's been a long time and feels great. So I'm trying to give myself permission to enjoy it. I didn't say I was all better!