JM,

I have no idea what it must be like having such a strong attachment to alcolhol so i hope i'm not being rude or anything. but 1 thing occured to me: your list of things you don't miss seems way longer!

Enjoy the sun on your hide!

SB

quote:

but 1 thing occured to me: your list of things you don't miss seems way longer!

I hadn't stop to notice that. -thanks SongBird.

JM,

I get what you're saying about it being the "obvious" problem. If you'll permit me to say it, I sometimes felt like this about self-harm. If I was bleeding on the outside, then it was obvious and folks could see it. And the inside matched the outside, so it almost made me feel better. Folks couldn't look at me and _not_ see the pain, right?

It had serious downsides, it wasn't a good idea, it was dangerous, it has horrible social stigma and can seriously wreck you at work (*embarrassed throat-clearing here*), and it's pretty much at the pit-bottom for "effective self-soothing measures", even if it made things better for a second or two.

But you're awesome, and you've gotten through some really horrible stuff, and you're here. I hope we'll see you soon, and congratulate yourself? You've done some amazing things, and one of them is the last six months, if you'll permit me to say so.

JM,

I pretty much quit drinking last May when my symptoms hit me like a Mack truck. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I did like to have a few pops sometimes. But some bad things started to happen with it, even after a few drinks.

One is that once the buzz wore off, it would make my anxiety worse. Much worse. I've had my share of hangovers from my heavy party days, and the worst part was always the anxiety. Now, even after a couple, I'll get it. It's something I don't need more of.

The other thing was that it messed up my sleep, which hasn't been good in years anyway. I think I read somewhere that alcohol suppresses REM sleep, and then the next night can cause rebound insomnia. In any case, it was really bad for my sleep.

Now that I look back on when I used to drink *a lot* (college and after), there's no question that it was an attempt to numb my emotional stuff. No question.

And here's the strangest bit of all. I have very little desire for it now. I wonder why that is. It's so strange because I used to love nothing more than a good pint or two after a hike or a long bike ride. Now I just have no thirst for it.

I have friends who still drink like they did 20 years ago in college, and I can tell you that in each case, it's leading to nothing but trouble.

So good for you on the 6 months. Doing that on top of all the other stuff you are contending with is almost super human. Do you realize how strong you must be to pull this off? I hope you do.

Russ

quote:

I get what you're saying about it being the "obvious" problem. If you'll permit me to say it, I sometimes felt like this about self-harm. If I was bleeding on the outside, then it was obvious and folks could see it. And the inside matched the outside, so it almost made me feel better. Folks couldn't look at me and _not_ see the pain, right?

I certainly agree with that Wynne, and I think that we were taught that what we experienced on the inside was insignificant so wearing it on the outside was more acceptable...in a very twisted way.. For me I think it was part of my teenage rebellion phase developing a little post maturely I might add.

quote:

So good for you on the 6 months. Doing that on top of all the other stuff you are contending with is almost super human. Do you realize how strong you must be to pull this off? I hope you do.

Russ, I suppose I don't give myself the credit I should and that I probably would to someone else in my shoes, but thank you. I will try to look at it that way. I mean I AM proud and happy, but I guess I don't know how to be really moved by it. I am glad you haven't gotten caught up in it like your friends from college. I never imagined I would, ME of all people. So determined not to ever let alcohol ruin my life like it did my childhood.

quote:

I suppose I don't give myself the credit I should and that I probably would to someone else in my shoes,

JM

That's the "caregiver" in you. You are always there to help someone in need. Always here with the greatest advice when any one of us are in pain. Always there to support us. Think about it, can you see how you can give all of that to yourself? Right now, YOU are the most important person to you. We are all struggling with that and once we realize that we are important, our feelings are important and we are worth it, we will be able to give that to ourselves.

You have overcome something that I can't even imagine. You should be moved by what you have done - I am. Your determination is admirable and your strength is incredible. So here are some cyber pats on the back *pat, pat, pat* Now can you do that to yourself? Because you are one awesome person who deserves it all.

PL

justme-
I miss smoking pott a lot!In fact somedays I really feel like finding someone to give me some so I can stop feeling like crap. Alcohol doesn't really do much for me.. I mean it does help me to feel better, but than I crash and feel like crap. I guess I am lucky, because alcohol is so much easier to get than drugs (at least for me). Smoking pot really made me calm and enjoy things. I wouldn't care what people thought about me so I could connect and enjoy everyone around me..I also loved to work and all that when I was high... I would do it a lot... like all day long... Once the high wore off I would hit up another bowl. I was BROKE and I did not like who I was, but the pot made me care less. It was my EVERYTHING...

But I know it didn't make my life better... and that I can have that feeling once I work through this crap and heal my problems rather than run away from them. I won't do drugs anymore, because I am a mom and I don't want to be that kind of mama...I feel bad enough for smoking cigs and drinking lots of caffein

I am so sorry its hard to be without that something that helped you feel better.It is kind of like grieving someone you lost (at least to me). But you will get through this and you will be able to enjoy life without that kind of stuff... I am so happy you are sober and you have made it this far!! I am also happy you are going to Cali. I was born there and I LOOOOOOVE it. I live in PA right now and I long to move to CAli, but I am just not ready yet... I hope you have fun!!

JM:
I am SOOOO proud of/for you on your 6 months of sobriety!!! You deserve so much better than the numbing effects of the alcohol. You deserve to FEEL alive and HAPPY!!! I hope you have a wonderful vacation!!

quote:

Smoking pot really made me calm and enjoy things. I wouldn't care what people thought about me so I could connect and enjoy everyone around me..

TG85, Thats exactly what I thought alcohol did for me. I remember one of my daughters friends made a comment to me that I get affectionate when I drink, not overly affectionate mind you, but just so that I'm not afraid to show I care about others. My T asked me once why I drink and I told her it makes me nice. I thought the woman was going to throttle me.

I am sure that I do grieve it and that is probably the motivation behind ths post anyway.

I'm glad you gave up drugs TG, for you and your children.

quote:

Smoking pot really made me calm and enjoy things. I wouldn't care what people thought about me so I could connect and enjoy everyone around me..

OK...so what's wrong with this? I mean...except that it is illegal.
I just can't figure out how this country...(the US)...can really justify the organized crime it causes. It could help clear the national debt and solve the current economic crisis with one law that would legalize this drug. Yes...I am aware of all the problems that it can cause for some people....but really...is it worse than alcohol? I can't tell you how much pot has helped me in times when nothing else would work. I was on a chemo regimen for 2 years 1999-2001 and it was really hard when I couldn't acquire this simple herbal remedy. It is, by far, the best anti-D that I have ever used, with the fewest side effects. I've never seen anyone get into a fight when they were stoned. I mean really...what is the problem? eh? There is some psychological addiction...but it's not that hard to overcome.
I won't subject you to...too much of my tirade on this issue. But...hmmmm..... It's always been an issue (thorn in my side) for me.

I'm currently taking a sleeping med. My Dr. warns me that it may cause me to be more dissociative. LMAO...yeah sure...like I would really notice? He even agrees that the "herbal" remedy would probably be better for me given the current problem I have with my liver. So...I continue to damage my liver just to manage my other symptoms. We all know that a liver transplant is a looong shot for me. ie: the availablity of a liver, the cost, the medical management...etc...etc... Do you know what the cost of a liver transplant is? Well over $250,000!!! I have insurance...but...the cost would still bankrupt me. After my last surgery....I'm not sure I would survive a liver transplant.

Sorry for putting my politics out there...but....this is one that really bites my @$$. Even alcohol has it's medicinal value. It is the only antidote for antifreeze poisoning. Yup...you heard me right...straight grain alcohol in your IV. And yet...we deny a simple herbal remedy that has PROVEN benefit for many conditions including PTSD. What is up with that? grrrrr..... Maybe I should just move to Amsterdam...damit.

Sorry...all...I just needed to RANT a bit.

SD

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:

TG85, Thats exactly what I thought alcohol did for me. I remember one of my daughters friends made a comment to me that I get affectionate when I drink, not overly affectionate mind you, but just so that I'm not afraid to show I care about others.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN... I guess perhaps it made me feel safe to be inside my body. There were not feelings to run away from. I enjoyed my dog, my boy friend, family ect. And felt so connected to them <3 It was awesome. When I got pregnant I decided I had to kick the habit. Thank God. Actually I smoked while pregnant, but luckily I hated the feeling while I was pregnant. I felt sick... I am happy about that=) Or I don't know if I ever would have stopped. The whole time I was pregnant I had dreams about pot and I was just so jealous, because I had friends who were still smoking. But I luckily drifted away from them. It all worked out for the best. But this year when I started working in therapy at the rape crises center I almost got back into it. I am soooo happy I didn't

I would like to believe that after healing I will be able to connect with people and enjoy life with no substances!!

I am happy you have gotten help for your addiction!! That is AWESOME!!

quote:

Originally posted by soulfuldaze:

quote:

Smoking pot really made me calm and enjoy things. I wouldn't care what people thought about me so I could connect and enjoy everyone around me..

OK...so what's wrong with this? I mean...except that it is illegal.
I just can't figure out how this country...(the US)...can really justify the organized crime it causes. It could help clear the national debt and solve the current economic crisis with one law that would legalize this drug. Yes...I am aware of all the problems that it can cause for some people....but really...is it worse than alcohol? I can't tell you how much pot has helped me in times when nothing else would work. I was on a chemo regimen for 2 years 1999-2001 and it was really hard when I couldn't acquire this simple herbal remedy. It is, by far, the best anti-D that I have ever used, with the fewest side effects. I've never seen anyone get into a fight when they were stoned. I mean really...what is the problem? eh? There is some psychological addiction...but it's not that hard to overcome.
I won't subject you to...too much of my tirade on this issue. But...hmmmm..... It's always been an issue (thorn in my side) for me.

I'm currently taking a sleeping med. My Dr. warns me that it may cause me to be more dissociative. LMAO...yeah sure...like I would really notice? He even agrees that the "herbal" remedy would probably be better for me given the current problem I have with my liver. So...I continue to damage my liver just to manage my other symptoms. We all know that a liver transplant is a looong shot for me. ie: the availablity of a liver, the cost, the medical management...etc...etc... Do you know what the cost of a liver transplant is? Well over $250,000!!! I have insurance...but...the cost would still bankrupt me. After my last surgery....I'm not sure I would survive a liver transplant.

Sorry for putting my politics out there...but....this is one that really bites my @$$. Even alcohol has it's medicinal value. It is the only antidote for antifreeze poisoning. Yup...you heard me right...straight grain alcohol in your IV. And yet...we deny a simple herbal remedy that has PROVEN benefit for many conditions including PTSD. What is up with that? grrrrr..... Maybe I should just move to Amsterdam...damit.

Sorry...all...I just needed to RANT a bit.

SD

I really have to say that I don't think alcohol should be legal. I totally agree with you!! For me if I was not pregnant and the high didn't make me feel good anymore I would have never stopped. I LOVED IT. I would smoke it over and over all day long. And it took me awhile to get over missing it. I mean I know for me pot is an addiction so I have to steer clear of it, but I hear of so many people driving drunk and killing people. I can't say that driving high is okay, but I think personally that alcohol makes me a lot less functioning than when I smoked pot.

Alcohol and drugs can all become an addiction. So why is alcohol legal?? I don't know!! lol . I read the police reports in the paper all the time and its just a list of people driving drunk... I have seen so many people ruin their lives with alcohol

I know that pot helped me a lot to feel calm and present (but really my mind was off in lala land), but it also made me lazy and unmotivated at times... and it also made me paranoid and very forgetful...I always thought... WHY CAN'T THERE BE A MEDICINE THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL THIS GOOD THATS LEGAL-and without the neg. side effects?? lol

I don't have any proof, but I have known quite a few people who have been smoking pot all their lives who can't even cary on a conversation and they are very paranoid about everything, NOT all of course (I have also known people who are totally fine after smoking for so long), but it made me worry what would happen to me if I took on that lifestyle and accepted it...

I have heard of DRs prescribing it to people with certain psychological problems, but now I wander if I heard wrong...

I am on seroquel and it makes me feel high after I take it at nite until I fall asleep. Its nice though because I get manic at night and I am afraid to go to sleep... Benadryl also makes me feel high/numb. For awhile I was popping benadryl , because therapy was so difficult for me..

I decided I need to stop self medicating, because it made me feel bad about myself and I felt so out of control and like I was running from my problems. I just couldn't focus on things like I should...

I am very sorry that you are suffering =( right now!!That is some really interesting stuff you said.. and I am very sorry about your liver =( .. I hope that things get better for you soon!! There is no need to be sorry for ranting... that is what this site is for!! hehe

JM,

Congratulations on 6 months. You should be very proud of yourself.

You describe the friendship with alcohol brilliantly. The only problem with the friendship is that it does turn ugly. I am living proof of that. I am an alcoholic and am presently struggling to stay sober.

My journey with alcohol went from it being my best friend, my lover, to now my worst enemy. I have progressed to the point where I have lost my tolerance. I get so depressed. I just want off of this merry go round.

I am now emotionally dead, and spiritualy dead. In the last 3 months I have tried to commit suicide twice, and ended up in the psych ward.

I'm just not sure if the romance of the drink is worth all of this.

Please don't test the waters, we never know if we will get back. I know I am having a really hard time of it.

Kats

quote:
I get what you're saying about it being the "obvious" problem. If you'll permit me to say it, I sometimes felt like this about self-harm. If I was bleeding on the outside, then it was obvious .... And the inside matched the outside, so it almost made me feel better. Folks couldn't look at me and _not_ see the pain, right?


Wynne- I totally understand what you are saying here. When I was cutting, I felt like it was the only thing in the world that was consistent- finally, something on the outside reflected the inside!


quote:
...and it's pretty much at the pit-bottom for "effective self-soothing measures", even if it made things better for a second or two.


I agree... but I didn't at first. I protested often to my T that "this was the only way I knew how to soothe myself and it worked so why couldn't I just start doing it again." It frustrated me that I had a way that was working, only if for a second, and I was struggling so hard to find anything else that worked.

But then my T said I was supposed to soothe ourselves in a NON-DESTRUCTIVE way. WHAT? WHO DOES THAT? I mean, that sounded so foreign to me. I mean, my mom took pills and self-injured, my grandmother drank and smoked and my dad "didn't really have feelings" so there wasn't much to soothe.

I guess this stuff doesn't come naturally to those of us who didn't have it modeled for us growing up. It's much harder than it sounds.

Congrats JM. I'm proud of you and all of us for learning.
-CT