ElizaJ, I think this is a great idea! It also got me thinking about what I have accomplished since beginning therapy nearly twelve years ago (with breaks in there probably totaling 5-6 years.)

I did not seek out therapy. I was "fine," except my new primary care doctor didn't think so and referred me to a local mental health clinic.

I went because I was more or less assigned to go. My aim was to get done as quickly as possible, so that I "wasted" as few family resources as possible.

So I delved right in. So that I could get done. Not because I trusted my therapist quickly--in reality, I didn't trust anyone.

Exploring family dynamics on two levels--past and present--was illuminating. I began to see how my childhood experiences influenced my feelings about personal worth and caused me to accept unacceptable treatment.

Books have always been my best friends, my retreat.

I want to clarify that a little. I always had loved ones, friends and family members, in my life. However, my time with them did not restore my sense of well-being and provide comfort the way printed words did. With books, I could count on growth through learning, and I could count on sameness and predictability--if I reread a chapter after a day, a week, or a year, it would say the same thing. Books provided stability that people never had for me.

My new favorite books were about psychology and therapy. I spent countless hours at Borders ( I still miss it.) Books I bought then are still among my favorites. Sometimes I bought old textbooks and pop psychology books at yard sales and thrift stores as well.

Informal reading was not enough, though. With my therapist's support, I went back to college. Psychology was my greatest interest, and therefore it became my major. Due to family commitments, I took seven years to finish my bachelor's degree, and have recently finished my master's degree (in social work.)

I eat more healthily now than I did before I started therapy, although I do tend to have disordered eating flare up every once in awhile.

My marriage is far from perfect, but it is much healthier. My husband really resisted the changes I made the first few years I went to therapy, but he has come a long way and is supportive now--most of the time. He still irritates me tremendously at times, and he takes advantage of my gentle nature without meaning to do so. But he has pretty much been a client-by-proxy these many years, and I am glad we got through our toughest times.

I hope they were our toughest times, anyway.

Our children paid a heavy price for our histories. Between the two of us, we went through physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse in childhood, and we had no idea what "boundaries" were. I've learned to set them through watching my therapist set boundaries with me and through our discussions. He's learned to respect them. Most of the time. He's also learned to respect me and credits me with saving his life--his behavior was pretty self-destructive.

So our kids have paid for our issues, but we freely discuss what has gone wrong and what we can do to continue to make things better. We see them setting healthier boundaries in their lives. They struggle--one of my children is struggling a great deal--but they reach, too. One has a year left in college. Another is also in college. One is married and is very careful about the health of his marriage.

I hope they'll be okay. I mostly believe they will.

I believe I will, too, that I am, actually. When I read old journal entries, the pain there both astounds me and comes flooding back. It's still hard, but it's hard like stacking a cord of wood, not like fleeing wild boars at night in an unfamiliar island forest.

I love my therapist, and she makes me crazy, and I wonder sometimes if I've gone as far as I can with her. I still go, because my life has been unusually complicated and unsettled the past year and a half, but I can see the day coming, I think, when I won't need therapy.

Until then, I count my blessings and am grateful for her unflagging resolve to do what she can for me, for giving me the steadiness in a relationship that I needed, and for her dedication to appropriate ethics and boundaries. I am lucky to have had her in my life.

I think I'll send the doctor who sent me to her a card.

What a wonderful post Exploring, thank you very much for sharing this.

It brought tears to my eyes but I am so happy you have progressed in therapy the way you have.

The only way is up. Your dedication to improving your life is amazing and heart warming.



Thank you again.

Caroola x

(((ELIZA)))

What a great thread! I'll come back later to share when I can think of something positive. LOL!

Thank you, Caroola! It humbled me that my story brought tears to your eyes--really? Thank you for your sweet response. If you're at a point to share thoughts related to this post about your own journey, it would be great to read them.

Liese, I'm with you. (((ElizaJ)))

And I hope both of you will share thoughts/experiences as well, if you are in a place to do so.

What a lovely post, Exploring. Thank-you for sharing it with us.

Thank you, Exploring . Glad I let someone else start and you've done a great job sharing your hope - thank you!!!

my mini success I guess is that the past couple of weeks I've realised (slowly) that 'hey, I am 'coping' - it is POSSIBLE to 'cope' and manage hard stuff. And stay in a fairly even keel.

Had a few big things happen last week that normally, any one of them would have destabilised me - but I was able to manage each situation quite well. I shared on a other post, but a quick summary is:

A) phoned my caseworkers boss to voice my concerns as to her repeatedly letting me down (no shows to 2 visits with no communication as to why; promises to phone at certain times and not doing so - at all, not just an hour late or a day late - not at all). I was assertive but polite. I voiced my concerns, how it left me feeling, and asked to change caseworkers.

B) emailed my T one of the 2 big triggers that occurred in a session 2 weeks ago. We talked about it at our next session - so glad to have done so!

C) my dog was very sick - 4 vet trips in a few days and he needed to stay overnight. Was really afraid he might die . He's better now - phew! But I spent one night with my hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing - after 2 trips to urgent vets - he was so sick and so sore an I couldn't fix him .

D) all on the same day - an emergency at work, I managed the situation well. An uncommon thing that sometimes does occur in my line of work; it left me a bit shaky but grateful I was able to respond exactly as I needed too (it involved a LOT of blood, but all was ok in the end - my remaining calm and reassuring made a huge difference).

by the weeks end, most things on my huge stress list had been resolved or I'd made progress in.

I just hope I can REMEMBER that I DID cope and manage that week well, next time I feel life is spinning out of control and I'm sinking.

I discussed erotic transference with my male T and didn't die of shame. (Even though I wanted to.)

I asked my T to call after telling her twice I didn't need her to :P that is big enough!

I don't feel like I'm leaving all this unresolved material at the end of my sessions with my New T. As if everything can wait until next week. It's such a great feeling. With my OldT, I always left feeling like there were a million things hanging and that we would never ever have the time to get to them.

For the first time, I was present in two sessions back to back. Amazing what things can happen when I actually show up and not disconnect. I felt connected because I could actually talk about my feelings and ask for what I needed.

I enjoy art, so I made up a picture story I can paint, where I go to find a famous scientist, Jared Bradley PhD, who has invented a new form of light, better than Thomas Edison's. He has disappeared into the Amazon forest because he was rejected and ridiculed. But now, new research has proven his light to be valid and a finance co. has hired me to go find him and bring him back to the lab. I'm going on my horse, with my dog, and going to meet a knight who has a map. This is Neo-Renaissance style as in Lord of The Rings or Narnia. Each page is a painting rather than a lot of text.
I told my T I was doing this story, and then blurted out, "Would you like to go?" I nearly fell out of my chair when she said, Yes. This is so wonderful...I'll paint her into each picture as my companion on the quest. She will be dressed in the Renaissance attire and will ride a deer. Can you believe it? I thought she wouldn't want to be so personal, even if it is a story. Anyway, she's on vacation and working on the pictures is helping me get through it. It's like she now lives inside me and is part of my world. I have such avoidant attachment problems anyway that maybe this will help me get past the fears of closeness.

Oh wow - you guys are so freaking AWESOME!! Affinity, Catalyst, Liese, Passionfruit & skylynx (very creative Skylynx - wish we had a thread on here we could post our art / poems etc... )



So glad I started this thread.

My success for the week is somehow being able to turn around a huge upset and come out the other side. Was severely triggered last Wednesday, abandonment trauma big time. It nearly lead to me hospitalised for the first time in 15 years. I was a eight hot mess. Loads of dissociation, flashbacks, depersonalisation, STEONG strong urges to self harm that I was not able to control without extra help and support from my T and Dr.

A new PRN med (benzodiazepine), waiting in my Ts waiting roo. Til it kicked in, having my T set up mobile respite for the weekend, and using all the coping strategies I knew, as well as just riding it out - staying in the moment and reminding myself Thoughts do NOT have to lead to actions (when it comes to self harm urges) helped me get through. I was very fragile for a few days, but slowly over the week, putting one foot in front of the other, with good nutrition, sleep, exercise, time out and 'going easy on myself' I've got there.

In the past, a crisis like this would not end with me being able to get back on track within a week - it would signal months and months of negative coping skills - I used to self harm, binge eat, purge, severely restrict my food, over-exercise, binge drink on alcohol, as well as act out criminally on occasion (very shamed to admit - I lit 2 small fires many many years ago ). Years ago, it was normal for me to be doing at least one of those behaviours most days.

Feels so much better and more 'in control' to use positive, forward-moving coping skills nowadays

Yay, ElizaJ!!