Hey TN!

I agree, it has been pretty quiet around here! I for one am glad that school is out and have some free time now... YEA! And don't worry, you're definitely not alone! I for one am reading even if I'm not posting, and I'm sure others are too.

The first 24 hours can be rough, can't it? I have t tomorrow so I am just about a day behind you.

quote:

I really need to talk to him about the fact that I hold back from telling him things... things that are good or that make me feel cared about or that heal me in therapy because I'm afraid once he knows this he will take them away from me or stop doing whatever it is. Like I'm afraid that once he knows this he will think I don't deserve to have it and take it away from me.

I don't struggle with this myself, but wanted to say that I think you are on the right track about wanting to tell your t about this. I know it feels like he might stop/take away what makes you feel cared for or safe, but it's important that he know how you feel. Trusting him on this might be hard, however, learning that he won't change just because you express this fear could be huge for you. And what would happen if he continued to do these things EVEN IF he knew how much they meant to you? Eventually you may begin to work through/figure out why it feels like you don't deserve to feel good... just a thought.

I'm glad you decided to share tonight... thanks for breaking the silence! btw- i don't think your fear is strange at all...

-CT

Hi TN!

I'm relatively new here, but I was feeling like it's pretty slow, too. For a while when I first started, it seemed to be moving a little more quickly. Then, it slowed down. I got very sick, and was unable to respond often for a few weeks. Now, I'm back and I see the same posts with no responses for a day or two. It's probably just a phase. It will pick back up again.

When I first came here, I was so grateful for the discussions on transference. It was the first time that I found other people who have these issues with their T's/P's. I felt less alone. Through the encouragement from people here, I had the courage to talk about it with my T, and it has brought about phenomenal growth. I will always be grateful to this site.

I know how it is when you get to know people on a forum. They feel like some type of a family--a cyber family. That happened on a grief forum that I have been part of since my mom died. Then, the trolls came in. They like to say mean things, and there's no one policing the forum, or at least not well, so it was pretty much allowed. I am in a place in my life where I am learning to have boundaries. It wasn't a healthy place for me anymore. I left. But, through that, I feel like a lost a whole community. That's another reason why I'm so glad to have found this forum. People here try to be respectful. If someone started trolling, I don't think it would be allowed. It feels safe here.

I hope to get to know people and become part of this community.

I have similar fears as you, that if I tell someone that I'm getting something good from them, I'll lose it. It's sort of like when a friend or someone is massaging my back, I'm afraid to say when they've hit the right spot, because I'm afraid they'll stop. I used to be afraid to share these things with my T, but I've gotten over that, because we've talked about what she gives me/does for me, and I've told her that I'm afraid that it will somehow stop. She has assured me that she will give me what I need within the bounds of this relationship for as long as it takes. She said that she's in it "for the long haul." I'm saying all of this to say that I have similar feelings.

Now, I've been doing well, and I'm afraid that she will take away her care, because she'll think I won't need it anymore. I told her that I needed her to keep giving me the same care even though I'm doing better right now, and that if she took it away, I would probably start doing bad again. She said, "No, I won't stop giving you what you need. You don't have to feel bad to get what you need from me." What a relief that was.

I think most of us have had weird stuff happen when we were kids. This whole idea of someone caring for us, and giving us what we need is foreign to us. We're not sure what to do with it, or how to feel about it. We're afraid that somehow we're going to do something to lose it. We're not used to having our needs met. We've learned to ignore our needs. We've learned to hide our needs. We've learned to despise our needs. Some of us hate ourselves when we have a need. We don't know how to relate to our needs. Given all of this, it makes sense that we don't know how to relate to having our needs met. That's just my two cents worth.

I'd suggest talking to him about all of this. It has the potential to bring healing and a deeper understanding.

I hope more people come back here, too. There's so much we can learn from each other.

catgirl

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
Just wondering if anyone else struggles with this strange fear?

You can add me to the list of folks that struggle with this one I've been talking about it with my T for some time now. He's really great about consistently and patiently reassuring me that he's not going to disappear / stop caring / get annoyed with me for sending him e-mail / cutting / feeling good, etc.

I try to remember that when someone is doing something nice for me, they would like to know that it is appreciated. If you give them feedback, they can do whatever it is in a way that you like more, and it's not any more effort for them.

I think you would find it comforting and rewarding to speak to your T about this fear, I certainly did.

quote:

Originally posted by Z:


I try to remember that when someone is doing something nice for me, they would like to know that it is appreciated. If you give them feedback, they can do whatever it is in a way that you like more, and it's not any more effort for them.

It's weird, though, sometimes there is that knee jerk reaction to want to take away something if someone tells me that they appreciate it. Especially if it's someone from my family or origin. In fact, only if it's someone from my family of origin. It was like that growing up, I think. We didn't want anyone to have anything that the rest of us didn't have, and we certainly didn't want anyone to have anything that made them somehow special.

This conversation is an eye-opener for me. This is the first time I've connected the dots about the fear of saying that I'm happy about something I'm receiving and the fear that it will be taken away with the feelings growing up.

Hmmmmm. . . food for thought.

Anyone else able to connect it with their f.o.o.?

catgirl

quote:

Originally posted by catgirl:
It's weird, though, sometimes there is that knee jerk reaction to want to take away something if someone tells me that they appreciate it.

That's a good point. I didn't really think of it until you made your comment, but if I fold the laundry or clean the kitchen or something, and then my husband thanks me for it, I want to yell at him and hit him. I would be happier if he just didn't acknowledge it at all.

It feels bad enough that frequently, that's the only reason I don't do stuff, I don't want him thanking me for doing it.

I think, for me, it may have to do with "giving in." When I was younger, I'd be told to clean my room over and over again, and when I finally did it, instead of feeling good about it, I felt like I was giving in. So the only time I felt like I *could* clean my room was when no one was telling me to.

I'm terribly lawful most of the time, perhaps this is my rebellious side

It's so very nice to have all this company on my thread. First of all... WELCOME BACK HB . You and your wise words have definitely been missed around here. Glad I was able to prod you back into posting. I hope things are well with you... it sounds like you are doing fine in your new home and are adjusting with ease. Congratulations. Thanks for sharing what you wrote to your T. I could really relate to that. Sometimes we really make them work hard when it's too scary to tell them what we really feel/think.

CT...thanks for your words too. Yeah I need to work on getting over the fear that what I "confess" to my T will make him change towards me. I think I'm past the fear that he will abandon me but not the fear that he will take things away from me. And I definitely need to discuss this with him.

Hi Heather and welcome. The one area my T is weak in can be his consistency and when he changes in any way it throws me off balance. He is getting better though...actually because I have brought some things to his attention So I know he wants to know... if that makes sense LOL.

You are right catgirl about not getting our needs met in childhood. That's a biggie for me. I am trying hard to learn to ask for what I need. I actually did that today in an email to my T. It was just a question and he responded well and gave me two "stars" for asking for what I need.

Another biggie is knowing that getting well does not mean that I have to leave. He has told me that I decide when to leave and I can stay as long as I want/need to. I hope he's ready to do therapy in the nursing home

So thanks everyone. I am feeling better today.

TN

quote:

That's a good point. I didn't really think of it until you made your comment, but if I fold the laundry or clean the kitchen or something, and then my husband thanks me for it, I want to yell at him and hit him. I would be happier if he just didn't acknowledge it at all.

It feels bad enough that frequently, that's the only reason I don't do stuff, I don't want him thanking me for doing it.

Z - I feel the exact same way (except I don't want to yell and hit, I just get extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable). It's that way a little bit at work, but mostly at home. In fact, when my H is home, I don't really do much, but when he's gone, I seem much more motivated to clean and organize.

When I was young, it seemed like when I did something good, like cleaning or even a good grade, it was never good enough. My grandma and later my uncle would always tell me how I messed it up or that if I wasn't so lazy I would have done better. And from my parents, they weren't present enough when I did live with them to acknowledge anything good or bad.

TN - I haven't been posting much either, although I have been reading a little. Life has been a little rough lately and I haven't had the mental energy to post. I'm hoping that turns around sometime soon. I miss everybody too.

I also have a hard time telling people good things because I'm afraid they'll realize what they're doing, and stop. I'm afraid they'll realize how needy I really am and not want to be around me. I have been making an effort to tell people lately how much I appreciate them, but I do it by email - it would be impossible in person.

OW

HI TN,

I got the feeling that I had scared everyone away with my bad attitude I noticed that there were fewer people posting than when I first started here, but I assumed that with the number of people 'reading' the posts, that they were just out there reading and hanging out until they had something to say.
I don't think that you have a strange fear. Obviously (based on the other posts I read) all of us have experienced the same thing (or similar) at some point with our T/P's or other people.

quote:

People here try to be respectful

LOL CG, are you talking about me behind my back infront of my face? LOL

quote:

I feel the exact same way (except I don't want to yell and hit, I just get extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable). It's that way a little bit at work, but mostly at home.

Hi OW, that's me too. I'm also like that when someone gives me a gift (even on a birthday or Christmas), I don't feel like I deserve it and become embarassed/uncomfortable in accepting it.

Nice to see this topic has brought a few strangers back Great topic btw TN.

Be well!

Holly

It has been quiet lately. I've been wondering what everyone was up to. My dog spilled a drink on my keyboard....SOOO....SNAFU!!! I had to get a new keyboard. I'm back online....but haven't been writing much lately.

My T increased my hours....so I'm currently going in daily. With all the homework I am doing, it's consuming most of my time. Therapy has become a full time job!
It's a difficult adjustment, but it is helping. I'm still FUBAR....but I'm not as stressed about it right now.

I'm glad to know that everyone out there is still reading....even if posting is down. I am so busy trying to figure things out for myself, that I don't have much time to post lately. I do love the new keyboard so maybe I'll start writing more...
I just don't know how to explain what is going on with my therapy...so I've been hanging back until I think I have something to add to a thread.
Sometimes I think I've been struck stupid.

Good to hear from all of you....TN...HB....CT....OW....CG....Holly....and Z. Keep writing...I think everyone is still reading.

SD

I know I have been MIA for a while around here. I lost my job a few months ago and have had a hard time finding a new one. This has been a crushing blow for me and as aggravated my depression/anxiety making it hard to do anything. It has been a huge effort to continue to get up in the mornings like I have something to do, somewhere to be. Job hunting is grueling as most of you know and the last thing I want to do is put myself out there to be judged and possibly rejected. I know that even healthy people don't like job hunts but I really hate every aspect of it and rewriting resumes, letters, and making phone calls suck up all of my energy.

I do have some good news: I got a temporary internship in my field that will last for about two months. Hopefully it will lead to better things but very few places are hiring in my field right now. I see the same want ads over and over, every week - and I have already applied for most of them.

A huge struggle for me has been trying to consider my options of what else I can do. I can do a lot of stuff, I've had a lot of jobs but 3-4 yrs ago I went back to school and retrained for my current career, got a terrific job two years ago without hardly trying and now that I've been laid off from it, I don't want to do anything else. Falling back on the skills and experience I have gained from other positions in the past seems like such a monumental step backward and anytime I seriously think about it I just start crying. I have had my share of jobs and most have been your regular joe-jobs you get to get the bills paid. Some have paid the bills but made me miserable otherwise. Some jobs I didn't like but enjoyed my co-workers, for some I didn't like either. This last job made me happy. I loved going to work. I felt like I had finally accomplished something and had some tangible purpose in life. For me it was a REAL job where all of the others were just a paycheck and often a headache too. I would go back to my last job in a second if they asked me back, I wouldn't go back to any of the others.

I guess getting laid off like this shouldn't be surprising and I do feel like I am in good company with it happening to so many other people right now. But the blow to my newly formed fragile self-esteem has been well, not devastating, but certainly a large blow. I am so thankful to get this internship because as soon as I got the phone call I instantly felt some repair to my self-esteem. I am sure it isn't ideal to rely on my career to make me feel good about myself but the whole concept of just not hating myself is so new and weird.

I sent out a bunch of networking letters to family and friends with my resume asking them for any insights, leads, etc. This was so hard to do. I am not asking for a job just maybe advice or a contact but I still feel like I am majorly imposing on people who I know like me but I may not see very often. My T keeps reminding me that the letters aren't imposing anything on anybody but rather giving them the opportunity to be altruistic. I like being altruistic so I guess it is natural that others would like to be too. Trying to hold onto this thought is the only thing that got me to drop those letters in the mail. I still have to call several of the recipients to follow up. I mentioned in the letter that I would call them. I hate, hate calling people but starting tomorrow I am going to try to make at least two calls a day.

All of this is so hard and it is stepping on so many of my comfort zones that I just can't wait until it is over. I do see the potential for growth of course but I am going along kicking and screaming anyway. My T has to be getting tired of the whining since I save most of it for her. That way my friends and family don't have to endure it so much. Well Hubs does but he is pretty good about it too.

good fortune finding a job.. hard times right now with the economy

[QUOTE]Originally posted by River:I am sure it isn't ideal to rely on my career to make me feel good about myself but the whole concept of just not hating myself is so new and weird. /QUOTE]

River,

I totally hear what you're saying. It takes so much work and learned skills (which I have been learning from my T) to learn to break the lifelong habit of hating oneself. It feels so foreign at first. For me, as I've spent less time hating myself, I'm getting more used to it. When I do begin to hate myself, I can now recognize it right away, and usually stop it. It's a lot more short-lived than it used to be. As we're learning this, any blow is difficult, whether it's to a relationship, a talent, or a career. A blow feels like rejection, which brings on the self-hatred. I'm glad to see that you are managing your feelings through this difficult blow.

I recently spent a session with my T talking about my feelings about career. I have been on a job search for a year now. It was time to send out applications, and I was feeling so incapable. I didn't even want to put myself out there, because I was convinced that "they" wouldn't want to hire me, that I wasn't good enough. She had me peel away layer after layer of thoughts that I had. She said, "Okay, what's there?" I would say, "Well, I'm not good enough to do the job." Then, she would say, "Okay, set that aside, now what's there?" Me: "Noone wants me to work for them anyway." We went through all of my feelings/fears/negative thoughts about myself until there weren't any left. Then, what I had left there was the knowledge that there aren't very many jobs available right now, and that there are a lot of people like me who want those jobs, and that it's not really about me and my incapabilities, but, rather, about the current job market. After that, I was able to go home and start applying for jobs. The feelings still lurk here and there, but every time they come up, I can recognize them, and put them to the side rather than getting caught up in them. Anyway, that's just my story.

How's the job search going? Have you been able to make your phone calls?

catgirl

P.S. It has been soooooooo quiet around here the past few days. Where is everyone? It's much more fun when more people pop in and out.

Hi CT... yes it has been quiet and so I'm popping in to say hi and comment. It sounds like you and your T have been doing some really good work. I am very familiar with the whole self-hate cycle. It was much worse before I started therapy... and in fact I never really could put a name to it. It was just me crawling into my black hole and trying to deal with all kinds of negative feelings that felt like they were suffocating me. Now I have a better understanding of where this all comes from (thanks to my T and also to my own introspection). And recently I have realized that (like you noted) I don't go to that black hole as often and when I do go there I don't stay as long as I used to. Mostly, I think this is because I know I have a session coming up and that we can talk about what happened and I come away with support, understanding and caring from my T. This is something I didn't have as a child. No one to turn to when things got rough or out of control

River... it's good to see you here posting again. I'm sorry you lost the job you were so happy in. I hope this internship works into something more permanent or to a good job for you. Our careers, or what we do for a living, certainly has it's effect on our self-esteem. In a way it defines us along with being a mom or being a wife. So to lose that would impact how you are feeling about yourself.. this is very understandable. I have worked for many years but the few times I was unemployed for short periods I felt sort of lost and at loose ends. We just need to remember it is not the total definition of who we are, we are so much more than our jobs. I need to remind myself of this because I am not ecstatic about my job either. Right now I'm just happy I have one. And you also need to remember that you lost your job due to the economy and not for anything you did or didn't do and anyone would be fortunate to have you work for them.

Good luck to you in the new position.

TN

River- I'm glad you're still around and am sorry to hear you're out of a job. I'm sure this whole thing is overwhelming... I HATE PHONE CALLS TOO!

quote:

How's the job search going? Have you been able to make your phone calls?

catgirl

I just wanted to second CG's inquiry... How's the internship?


Let us know!
-CT