lol, the Universe works in mysterious ways.

Gotta love those silver linings!

Maybe an opportunity to sort through what in there has to do with T and what is linked to something else (like the projection conversation), and bring it up in that way. That stuff probably still needs to be addressed, but it would be best if it happened in a manner that didn't activate self-loathing.

Callooh Callay

BB, You make me laugh. I'm glad things worked out for you the way they did.

stoppers: "He chortled in his joy..." ( )

it's...definitely weird...

so...if any of you could write anything to your T with the full awareness that it would most likely, never even make it to him/her...what would you do?

Any number of things in the "Say Anything" thread, most likely...for example, wishing he were my dad instead of my T.

Sorry for posting so annoyingly much lately!

Here is the latest. I asked my T to bill me, as it is really piling up- there was some confusion about payment method, since his bank will no longer accept checks from my country, with out a big fee. So I paid by paypal, which, with excahnge rates they charge, plus fees- added like 60 dollars to my bill! That might not seem like a lot but to us, it is.
I asked T if he would accept a money order. He wrote back, for the third time, that he is working on the situation. It's been like- at least a month I think? time is weird.

So my mail about billing got through- weird. Some do and some don't. The personal mails with therpay stuff/relationship between us stuff comes back, marked "undeliverable" from the email administrator- but it seems plain billing type stuff or confirming scheduling stuff (our time recently changed and this has caused problems for my T in the past) gets through. I *know* absolutely that I'm being paranoid, but I can't help feeling like T is somehow making this happen, though he said he has "no clue what I'm talking about." Especially since in past he has said that we should only email for billing/scheduling stuff. I know I've acted out with my emailing. But it seemed ok, lots, and other times not ok. I'm clearly, still very confused with it. T has been stable- I'm not that stable- who should I trust here?

I see T on Friday- tomorrow! our first individual session in...I can't remember- since the marital sessions started, so- at least maybe two months? I would have chickened out because of my "feedback" email from tuesday- I told him how dissapointed I was that he did not take care of my request that we conference call from my h's laptop, which made it much easier for me to hide from the camera and from him, and from my H- which I am very prone to do in this dynamic. If it weren't for my last email getting returned, undelivered. I didn't feel I could talk to him after that. wtf is going on with me? I am so screwed up! I seriously feel like I am shutting down, especially as to my own needs, whatever they may be?? I'm desperate for some kind of connection, but I reject my H whenever he comes near me...what *is* that? I feel totally screwy.

Oh Beebs, I feel the same way about my H. I'm so totally involved with my T and I have a man right here I could have and be with anytime but choose not to. WTF?

So, I don't know if the following will be helpful but I wiill share what I have learned recently. T and I haven't really gotten to all the problems right now between my H and I but he has pointed out to me that my H is relying on me for his dependency needs. And my H is hardly a barrel of fun. He's a nice guy, mind you, but he's always stressed so it's not like he's relying on me BUT he's coming home and making me laugh, etc. I see now it's no wonder I'm running away from him.

Anyway, go ahead and be paranoid with me. You are in good company!!!! Wondering if T is trying to get you to be direct with him instead of emailing him your thoughts, feelings, etc.

BB - I don't think your T is engineering the email problems, but I want to validate you that I would feel my T was if that was happening to me too. I hope you can (even gently) bring up in your individual session how his not taking care of the conferencing as he ensured you he would made you feel unheard, ignored, neglected even. You can even say you know it was an honest mistake, but those feelings were being drawn out of you and maybe that would be a good thing to explore...in case the origins are not all in your relationship with T, but elsewhere in the past as well. Just a thought.

Also, please don't be sorry about how much you are posting. I've been worse! But I need it to keep my paranoid thoughts from running amok and making me hate myself. Since I have been posting so much here, I have been able to get some control over my bad behavior...so I hope it's helping you too.