shame 1, me 0
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((non))
I struggle with that sense of shame, or sorrow for existing.
I felt this way more when therapy was 'my job'. All I thought about, or did, or could concentrate on was therapy - nothing else in my day or life really existed. The same happened in my ED recovery when I was in therapy for 7hrs a week in IOP. It was all I thought about, all day, every day, all the time (my eating disorder and therapy were my life and identity). Because I took this in as my identity I carried the shame constantly - I couldn't be in a relationship because I'd have the constant processing going on.
I still do, many times.
It's taken a bloody long time to get good friendships built where now I have crazy people in my life who will be there... and when I'm with them therapy and my wrongs aren't on my mind. It's being "in the moment". I had to consciously practice putting my therapy in a box. I've invited people over (which I NEVER used to do) because I've felt like harming myself, and they support by just being there while not knowing necessarily why I needed them. Their existence was enough and I've built an identity separate from my therapy from there.
When we've been hurt so deeply on a personal level where... we have no worth, feel no welcome in the world... it makes sense that you're feeling toxic. I'm totally not past it at all, but what my T and I have got me to do is... practice existing on purpose. This, for me, meant being less intense about therapy - I'm only saying this because you seem really intense in your therapy and I know you go often like I have before - so I'm making the assumption here that you're processing a lot out of session - I apologize if that's wrong.
If I couldn't put all of that 'who am I!? what am I!?' (and getting the answer back from myself 'worthless...') in a box sometimes there just was not room in my brain. Is it on in the background? Yes... am I out with someone and think 'omg they hate me, they can see what a terrible worthless person I am'? All the time. I think feeling the right to exist means going through the horrible process of being validated for that existence. I'm going through that in my therapy right now. But I've noticed changes outside, sometimes I call my Ts voicemail to leave 'gifts' just stuff I want to let go. 'I'm worrying about such and such and such, just leaving it here so I can get on with my day'. Closing the box sometimes though can feel like denial.
I dunno dude... I've been through too much DBT to make sense.
I think once you can become at least a little comfortable existing to your T you will and can branch out. It has to start somewhere though and I don't think it starts in ourselves for a very, very long time. It starts with someone, for the first time, holding open the door and embracing your entry in to the world that we may have missed from our parents. Sometimes I feel like I was born and then put in a trunk instead of in to a mother's arms.
I struggle with that sense of shame, or sorrow for existing.
I felt this way more when therapy was 'my job'. All I thought about, or did, or could concentrate on was therapy - nothing else in my day or life really existed. The same happened in my ED recovery when I was in therapy for 7hrs a week in IOP. It was all I thought about, all day, every day, all the time (my eating disorder and therapy were my life and identity). Because I took this in as my identity I carried the shame constantly - I couldn't be in a relationship because I'd have the constant processing going on.
I still do, many times.
It's taken a bloody long time to get good friendships built where now I have crazy people in my life who will be there... and when I'm with them therapy and my wrongs aren't on my mind. It's being "in the moment". I had to consciously practice putting my therapy in a box. I've invited people over (which I NEVER used to do) because I've felt like harming myself, and they support by just being there while not knowing necessarily why I needed them. Their existence was enough and I've built an identity separate from my therapy from there.
When we've been hurt so deeply on a personal level where... we have no worth, feel no welcome in the world... it makes sense that you're feeling toxic. I'm totally not past it at all, but what my T and I have got me to do is... practice existing on purpose. This, for me, meant being less intense about therapy - I'm only saying this because you seem really intense in your therapy and I know you go often like I have before - so I'm making the assumption here that you're processing a lot out of session - I apologize if that's wrong.
If I couldn't put all of that 'who am I!? what am I!?' (and getting the answer back from myself 'worthless...') in a box sometimes there just was not room in my brain. Is it on in the background? Yes... am I out with someone and think 'omg they hate me, they can see what a terrible worthless person I am'? All the time. I think feeling the right to exist means going through the horrible process of being validated for that existence. I'm going through that in my therapy right now. But I've noticed changes outside, sometimes I call my Ts voicemail to leave 'gifts' just stuff I want to let go. 'I'm worrying about such and such and such, just leaving it here so I can get on with my day'. Closing the box sometimes though can feel like denial.
I dunno dude... I've been through too much DBT to make sense.
I think once you can become at least a little comfortable existing to your T you will and can branch out. It has to start somewhere though and I don't think it starts in ourselves for a very, very long time. It starts with someone, for the first time, holding open the door and embracing your entry in to the world that we may have missed from our parents. Sometimes I feel like I was born and then put in a trunk instead of in to a mother's arms.
that was amazing, cat!
((((anon))))
((anon))
by experiencing the isolation and loneliness and talking to T about it you're gradually healing that sad and lonely place inside. Its a really frustratingly slow process though!
Lots of people with huge amounts of shame are terrified of infecting and contaminating those around them and are convinced people can see through their social facade to their core which they are convinced is bad and worthless. You're not bad or worthless and who you are won't harm anyone you get close to.
You aren't doing it wrong. the fear, shame and self loathing are probably covering deep grief, rage, anger and sadness. YOu will get past the shame and barely being able to bear being with yourself by talking to T and actually being with yourself and not acting out.
As for what your pastor said, its one persons opinion. I think the number of social relationships needed varies greatly from person to person. You're learning to do good relationships and its a step by step process. You can do it. Maybe stick to developing better relationships with existing friends and then gradually branching out. Parents with small kids are often exhausted and self absorbed (I'm speaking from current personal experience) and it is about the kids and their routine. Its also a matter of keeping on trying to relate to different people to find those you click with and have a capacity to give back in a meaningful way. Most people I know with kids a similar age to my son dont have the ability to relate deeply because theyre so tired. So I can chitchat to them at playgroup but that's the extent of it. I think people with heaps of friends tend to have lots of superficial relationships. Who we are deep inside is incredibly special and only deserves to be shared with a few people (ie your partner and your T and maybe a close friend or sibling).
Hugs xx
by experiencing the isolation and loneliness and talking to T about it you're gradually healing that sad and lonely place inside. Its a really frustratingly slow process though!
Lots of people with huge amounts of shame are terrified of infecting and contaminating those around them and are convinced people can see through their social facade to their core which they are convinced is bad and worthless. You're not bad or worthless and who you are won't harm anyone you get close to.
You aren't doing it wrong. the fear, shame and self loathing are probably covering deep grief, rage, anger and sadness. YOu will get past the shame and barely being able to bear being with yourself by talking to T and actually being with yourself and not acting out.
As for what your pastor said, its one persons opinion. I think the number of social relationships needed varies greatly from person to person. You're learning to do good relationships and its a step by step process. You can do it. Maybe stick to developing better relationships with existing friends and then gradually branching out. Parents with small kids are often exhausted and self absorbed (I'm speaking from current personal experience) and it is about the kids and their routine. Its also a matter of keeping on trying to relate to different people to find those you click with and have a capacity to give back in a meaningful way. Most people I know with kids a similar age to my son dont have the ability to relate deeply because theyre so tired. So I can chitchat to them at playgroup but that's the extent of it. I think people with heaps of friends tend to have lots of superficial relationships. Who we are deep inside is incredibly special and only deserves to be shared with a few people (ie your partner and your T and maybe a close friend or sibling).
Hugs xx