Hi all,
First, I want to apologize for not providing much support this past week. I just tried to read updates and hugs and sweet energy to you all.
This past week has been intense and painful and anger filled. After therapy last week I started looking at my life and my psycho family members in a new way. While it did help me to start putting up a little bit of boundaries, it also made me feel so mad. I almost threw my hand through a window because I wanted the pain
inside to stop. I have to remind myself that it's not about them not loving me - it's about their inability to care or love. Yet, the pain of feeling so worthless most my life is still real. After a few days in emotional turmoil, I was feeling motivated to stay with the pain and feelings and started think ing about this being my time in in this life to experience the journey through the dark, into Hades like Dante, descending like Inanna and Persephone, suffering like Buddha and Jesus.....all to gain more wisdom and experience the rapture of life. Then, I went to work Tuesday and was attacked by a parent (I teach 5th grade). I honestly thought he was going to hit me. I froze in fear, and then something came out of me that I now look back and am proud of myself for facing the fear and becoming unfrozen. I told him I felt attacked and I was going to get someone else to be in the room because I
didn't feel safe. And I walked out with him mumbling after me. After 20 minutes, now with someone else in the room, the bell rang and I had to let my students in, forcing our conversation to be over. He proceeded to call the district and admin offices complaining about me and the principal and the entire school. My principal and regional director both supported me 100% which was reassuring. I put it out of my mind and ended up having nightmares all night. It obviously triggered something.
So I told T about my week today and she was astounded. She claims she doesn't know how I continue going on each day and that I'm not in a hospital. My dad, brother and his wife play evil mind games constantly and I can't break free from it. She showed me how I was able to receive support from others when I was the one not in the wrong (with the mad parent), yet have spent my entire life without support from my own family. The conversation somehow turned to my mom, and a lot of anger came up. I always thought it was all my dad and brother, and now I'm realizing blame her as much, maybe more. She was supposed to care. She should have protected me and my other brothers. She's a,ways been so selfish and has taken on the victim role. This anger with my mom is so new, as I always had excuses for her behavior and blamed it on my dad. I'm totally shaken and yet still feeling like I can go through this "Phoenix process" and be reborn from the ashes when I get through the pain.
So now I apologize for rambling on and on. I'm going to see T again in a few days and then leaving for a week escape over the holiday. It's easier to get myself and my daughter out of town than it is to play the game of holiday visits and crap. If I'm distant on the forum for a bit, please know I hold you all in my heart.
Thank you for listening,
Raven
Original Post
. It's good though (in a perverse kind of way) that you're now realizing the part your mother played in what went on in your past? And I also think it's good that you are finding your anger at your mother - instead of continuing to hold others (and possibly yourself?) responsible for her actions.
