Russ -

I lived with my aunt and uncle during my teen years, and my uncle could be condescending, judgmental, critical, and demeaning. He had a way of making me feel like I was never good enough. I finally gave up trying to do things to impress him, because it never worked. I always avoided being near him at family gatherings because he would belittle me with jokes whenever anyone was around to listen (he still does). I was never as good as my cousin (his child) or my sister.

To this day he says he did it for my own good. He wanted me to try harder and was convinced that was the way to do it. He says it must have worked because I went to college and have a relatively successful career.

The only things I would like to hear from him is an apology and him saying he was wrong to treat me like that, but I don't think it will ever come. Family members even tell him how was rough on me and he just laughs it off. He just says someone needed to toughen me up.

I gave up a long time ago and have come to accept the relationship for what it is. We're not close at all and although he tells me to call or visit more often and bring the kids, I don't. I still call on his birthday and see him on holidays with the rest of the family, but that's all there is.

I can imagine how hard this would be with your own parents, and really wish for you that he could accept his responsibility.

OW

Thanks OW,

I think it's more likely that once I work through the truck load of anger I have for them, I'll eventually accept my parents with all their faults, shortcomings and ugliness and see them for what they are, warts and all. But that's gonna take a while. A long while.

What bothers me is this total unwillingness to really think about what it is a child needs emotionally from their parents in order to grow into an emotionally healthy adult, and what it is that may have been lacking. They don't want to do this because it's painful and hard.

A part of me also wants to point out to them that two of their daughters grew up to marry alcoholics, and the other daughter emotionally abuses her daughter on a regular basis while treating her spoiled brat of a son like a child king. But I'm not gonna go there.

Russ

Russ,

One of the things that's helped me both be more angry at my rents and, honestly, less, has been to hang out at some friends' families' places that have more reasonable interactions. Nobody's perfect, warts and all everywhere, but just being somewhere where the kids were _safe_ and respected has helped calm down my hatin' a lot.

It's also really instructive to see interactions where folks are thinking about what kids need to be healthy. It was really... healing? Good? fun? actually enjoyable pseudo-family interactions? (well, real family interactions, even!) Yeah.

Wynne,

Me too. Totally, except for the less angry part, but I'm hoping that will be coming along soon.

Starting last summer, something as seemingly minor as seeing a parent walking down the street with their kid, holding his/her hand and talking, or playing with them, will make me weepy or just start to sob. And being at friends' houses where there's actual, real, healthy human interaction happening can be helpful because it points to what me and most of us folks here never had.

I think if I ever jumped up in my dad's lap and gave him a hug he would've asked my Mom to 'get this thing off me, will ya?'

Russ

HB,

No worries! I just haven't had time to respond. You're right in that there's a lot of my dad's anger in me. There are some other things about him that I detest that are also in me, but that's something I have to work through and, hoepefully, accept.

I hope you're feeling better, and less fragile soon. I know very well what that feels like.

Cheers,
Russ

HB,

I think we're all like that; we're alike and also nothing like our parents.

I'm just going through a really, really tough patch right now. My T feels that I have some unconscious stuff about my father 'stuck' in my mind (based on my dreams and other evidence from our sessions), and the conflict between that and my anger towards him and how I see myself is at the root of much of my problems. It's very confusing and upsetting and, frankly, it's freaking me out and cranking up the anxiety.

Also, I tried a new anti-depressant yesterday (Cymbalta), and it made me feel God-awful. I don't know how it's possible to feel so rotten after taking one pill, but I swear everytime I try one of these things, I feel worse.

Anyway, Tthanks again for your input. I always appreciate it!
Russ

quote:

But there are so many ways that i am nothing like her, and i try and be extra aware of her weaknesses so i don't accidently fall into those patterns and do the things she did.

I have to believe that even the worst of parents(and I'm not saying anyone's parents classifies as such) would welcome their children to break the binds of those kinds of legacies and make a few of their own. We have to stop the cycle somewhere and create our own legacy. I not only welcome my daughter to do that but I applaud her for doing so. However, I do get some grins when she says and does certain things that remind me of myself and she turns around and giggles, "I'm just like you, mom."

It is quite an empowerment to be able to reflect on the similarities in ourselves and our parents and know that we can pick and choose from them so to speak. Learning from their mistakes, no matter how devastating it was is the best thing we can do.

And Russ, I've been trying to think of how to say that I can relate to the depth of your anger and anxiety with your father (and mother) right now without sounding like I am comparing our backgrounds or circumstances. But just to say I know the pain and anger and that just because someone does not behave that way anymore doesn't make it suddenly disappear.

It's like you have this vintage convertable that was involved in an accident and suffered a lot of damage internally and externally. No one in their right mind would think that running it through the car wash and rubbing a little wax on it is going to salvage it and make it driveable. Even if it is drivable someone is probably going to take a lot more care and a lot more time to meticulously restore the engine, interior, as well as the exterior before they think it's ready to take back out on the road.

-That is probably a silly analogy, but I can't help but to think of it anyway.

JM,

I do like your analogy actually because I do feel totally damaged and broken, like I've been in an accident. Even more, I feel blocked, which really sucks. And I've felt this way for 9 months now.

I'm curious to know if people have moments of insight where they're able to tap into their anger and start the process of letting it flow. Or for some people is it something that finally sinks in and it comes pouring out? Mine seems to come out in frustrated little bursts where I throw a childlike tantrum and swear a lot, then go back to feeling blocked.

Anyway, reading your stuff, JM, I have no doubt that you can relate. Thanks as always.

Russ

quote:

Mine seems to come out in frustrated little bursts where I throw a childlike tantrum and swear a lot, then go back to feeling blocked.

You just described the session I had this morning.

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, makes me as uncomfortable as anger. My poor T has to work WAY too hard when I'm working with it. It's like although I know I need to feel it and work through it, I just dig in my heels and make him drag me through it. He pushes me harder when working with anger than on any other subject. I really, really, really, wish I could just skip this part.

AG

JM,
Awesome analogy! I just wish sometimes that a wax job was enough. You know, instead of re-building and reconditioning the whole car.

AG

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
You just described the session I had this morning.

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, makes me as uncomfortable as anger. My poor T has to work WAY too hard when I'm working with it. It's like although I know I need to feel it and work through it, I just dig in my heels and make him drag me through it. He pushes me harder when working with anger than on any other subject. I really, really, really, wish I could just skip this part.

AG

AG,

I guess this sounds odd, but I want to feel angry, but I want to feel it and know who it's for and let it flow from, through and out of me in a sustained, constant flow.

But instead I'll be driving along in my truck and something my Mom said will make me go to tantrum land for a minute or two. Goes a little like this:

"F$%& you, you &%#@ing *(+@!. And f$%& your guilt trips and your &%#@ing blah blah. I never asked to be born! You made that decision, and then you dropped the F$%&ing ball and messed me up!"

Needless to say, there's no "ah, what a relief" after these little spaz attacks. I just go back to feeling like I'm "doing it wrong" somehow.

R

oh you're doing it sooooooooo right russ! i mean it's the god honest truth and nothing but!

probably nobody ever ever ever took those words seriously and what else do you do but 'raise your tone of voice'????

i really admire that! mine still goes something like that: eh, 'scuse me, i was just wondering blah blah blah...' you know what i mean! i always detested myself for being such a coward. well today i'm gonna tell my t i was pissed off with something he said last week. and i'm sacred alread....

quote:

Needless to say, there's no "ah, what a relief" after these little spaz attacks. I just go back to feeling like I'm "doing it wrong" somehow.

Well that certainly takes the burden off from them doesn't it?! I wonder did they intentionally implant this within us? I mean DAMN! How F&%$#@! convenient for them that we hold this burden for them so they can go on with their lives swimming in denial and dancing through open grassy meadows singing the Sound of Music! Blech! somebody hand me a friggen bucket!

Yes, unfortunatley Russ, there seems to be no relief in those moments of unresolved anguish that you describe. I have them too. I have a few "angry songs" I listen and sing a long to when I feel like that. Seems like musical expression is helpful to me when I'm in an emotional bind. And coming here to be with people like you who understand.

You'll get through this Russ, I know you will. You are a remarkably STRONG man who is determined not to give up on himself and who is willing to feel whatever emotions are there, and yeah if you could only release them the way you need to you would. I know that as you become more aware of the safety in which you have to do so now, you will even more so, of that I am sure. And because you may not see it since you are enveloped in the anguish of it all, I want to say that you are doing very well. You are bravely fighting against all the lies and refusing to comply with them anymore!

Hang in there!
JM

JM & SongBird,

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. You guys are f*&^$ng awesome!

SB, good for you for making the effort to express your own anger. I'm sure it will please your T to no end to see you get pissed. My T tells me that exploding in a rage does no good. What we need is to bring focus to our anger and express it with real, clear assertiveness. When he told me this, I didn't believe him, but I'm starting to believe he's right, now.

JM, you make a really good point about parents being in denial. It's easy for us to not see that these people are just as capable of denial, self-preservation and outright cruelty as anyone, even though when you look at them and even interact with them, they just seem like kindly old folks in their mid-70s.

Truth is, they will never really examine themselves and their impact on their children and take any responsibility for their influence on us. I just need to process the anger that comes with that fact and learn to accept that my parents are basically unconscious people who just want to enjoy their retirement.

Thanks again. You are all the best.
Russ