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9 replies

sorry.. substitute for email to T

puppetpuppetMember
i feel really pathetic writing here when i hardly post/write/support/ contribute on the forum... and to be honest i'm not even sure why that is... i have trouble being in 'groups', feeling like i belong, or even knowing who i am or if i have something to say. i am probably a little antisocial and (even) more distrustful of people in a 'group' than i would be one on one. its also harder for me to gauge what the 'right' response might be to several people, rather than just one, i think i tend to mould myself and my response into what the other might want to hear.... sorry for the long self involved explanation, my issues of not belonging have been even bigger lately, and at work especially where i feel like an outcast and hardly talk to anyone. its probably also this 5 week break from therapy that made me feel even more of a forgotten outcast...

i dont know what i wanted to say with this post.... i'm writing here because i told myself i cant email my T. i called a couple of times but i hung up of course. i do email ocasionally in between sessions but during breaks my T is not at all reliable in answering, she may be away or just not check her emails, and in the past its been excruciating having to wait like that. i also told myself i couldnt email because i thought i should get used to it, to not seeing her anymore, because i will be leaving in about a year (although this year keeps getting postponed and it never gets less than a year). i will be moving back home (different country), so it will really be a NEVER... i will never see her again... and i think its too terrifying to accept that.

yes, i do know i need to talk to her about this... but i suck at it... talking and trusting. i'm good at denial and hiding...

sorry for the self involved post.

puppet
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sdsdMember
Puppet,

Interesting. I thought about how I feel about belonging in groups. I never feel I belong and even here a lot of the time I don't have confidence in answering and I think that no one wants to hear my stuff. And I have been around here a long time too and done lots of posts.

My advice is maybe to write little bits and support but maybe not sharing heaps - if that is what you struggle with. There are different ways to belong.

Remember 5 weeks breaks - hell 1 week breaks - makes us go crazy and we feel all sorts of intensified and horrible feelings. I can't begin to go there as the thought of what you are in right now brings up such pain that I understand. and you are going to leave her? Double the pain times a million.

You deserve to be here, you belong here and we can all listen and support.

SD
caroolacaroolaMember
Hello Puppet

I understand some of how you must be feeling, not all of it because no one can really understand another's unique situation, feelings and emotions. Apart from my psych that is who gets into my head like no one has ever done before!!

Sometimes I find being in groups difficult. I write a little and try and support on here but that may change as I get more confident. Sometimes and with some people in some places, I don't feel that what I am saying is being listened too or that it is worth being listened too. Sometimes I would rather be left alone, find it difficult to trust and I have been in denial and hiding all my life where some things are concerned.

You are not alone but you have been courageous enough to start this new thread.

Good to meet you Puppet.

Caroola
puppetpuppetMember
hi liese! it is very nice to see you too, and thank you!

hi caroola,
nice to meet you too and thank you for what you said! i spent my early life feeling like an outsider and like i didnt belong (to the rest of the human species), while at home i was pretty invisible and a non-person, had to pretend to be who others wanted to survive. so this is very ingrained for me, and it will take time and practice to change. for example, now i feel like i got too much attention and i must retreat again.

p.s. love the new emoticon!

puppet
kmaykmayMember
(((Puppet)))

You are definately not alone. I am in a recovery program right now and the whole idea is that we have to talk in our groups, share, speak out loud in order to heal. Yeah right...I can barely look up off the floor when I'm talking and it takes me ages and ages to trust. And when I post something on here, I usually have to get up and walk away and do something with my kids for at least an hour to avoid deleting it right away b/c I'm so worried what I said will upset someone or sound stupid or whatever. Anyways, not to make it about me, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

Also, I was thinking about what you said about your time with T eventually being over. I've gone through this before and I spent so much time worrying about that instead of actually working with the time I did have with her to try and heal, that I ended up like a hamster running in one of those balls not getting anywhere.
Something that helped me is to say over and over that I just needed to stay in today...because the truth is, I could not be here tomorrow, T could not be here tomorrow (Sorry if that's triggering) so why was I spending so much time worrying about a day, a month, a year from now? So just take it day by day, work on something small. I hope this was a little helpful. I'm sending some 's.
puppetpuppetMember
hi kmay,
its really nice to see you again! sorry for the delayed response, during the week i'm in 'functional' mode and dont check in that often.
wow, i think its really courageous to do this program in groups, i hope it helps you. thanks for what you said about the time thing, i've been thinking the same, i can see myself just getting obsessive about that and not being able to do anything else. i think i need to talk to T about it to have it more in the open, so then i can focus on other things as well in the time i have left.
thanks a lot for your hugs and support!

puppet

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