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Spending the day with T outside the office

mad hattermad hatterMember
***This is a repeat of something I posted earlier today and then took it down. Now I am re-posting it, slightly edited. Sorry, I guess I just had a case of PAD.***


On Monday I will be spending the whole day in T's company outside the office. It really isn't as bad as it sounds, but it is still kicking up some anxiety for me.

Once a year my T hosts an all-day-long group therapy outing to an amusement park. She does it mainly for her youth clients, and they have goals they are supposed to be working on such as social skills, organizational/time planning skills, etc. My daughter and son are both invited this year.

I was not initially invited to go along, and at first I was bothered by that because I knew T would need some adult chaperones, and she has invited me as a parent to other group outings with my kids, so why not this one too? I talked to my T about it, and she said I was not invited because (1) its very expensive for a person who doesn't have insurance that will cover it [me], and (2) she generally doesn't like to take parents on this trip because the kids pair up with each other and go their separate ways so there is little parent-child interaction. I was still a little jealous because I knew another adult client who might be invited, but I accepted her reasons and put it aside.

Last session, however, T changed her story and said now I *might* be invited to go, if I still wanted to, because she would need more drivers if they couldn’t secure a shuttle bus rental to transport 15 kids. She also mentioned that the other adult client I referred to above had been invited to go (although I'm sure she's not driving) and that the only other adults would be T and her husband.

This is kicking up some stuff for me. First, it was still a *maybe* invitation, and it seemed to be based upon what would be helpful for T . True, I have no obligation to say yes, because there are other adults T could easily ask to drive. But the fact is that I wasn't invited until after she found some useful purpose for me. On the other hand, it may be that she is using this purpose as a way to justify waiving part or all of my costs (for park admittance, meals, T's time, etc.) and make it affordable for me since I don't have insurance and she bills the trip as the equivalent of 3 or 4 sessions, because I think chaperones as a rule don’t have to pay their own way (although I have yet to work this out with her to be certain).

Another thing I immediately began to worry about is that her husband is going. I have never met her husband, and in all of my hours of googling that I once did, her husband is the only immediate family member of hers for which I never found a picture. I found pictures of T and all her kids and grandkids, but not hubby. Somehow that makes me feel more unprepared to meet him or talk to him. Has anyone else ever met their T’s spouse? And if so, what was your experience of it?

Yet another thing I've fretted about is my jealousy over that other adult client who has been invited to come. It is the same client whom T thought had SU'ed recently. I seem to have some sort of immature competition for T's attention going on with her. And guess who I am going to be paired up with if T is with her hubby? Yep, that client. It's not like she is mean or scary, but she is also wary of me, and distant. And we will be together from morning til dark.

Today I found out that for sure I am invited to drive/go. But even though I will be feeling insecure inside, I’m sure I’ll put on a show of being mature since my kids will be there. That will be motivation not to regress too much, right? To not throw tantrums inside the park, haha. It sounds like I am complaining as I read what I have just written, so why don't I just decide not to go, right? But how many of you would turn down an opportunity to be with your T all day long, even if it wasn't one-on-one?
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S stoppersMember
MH - this is not exactly the same but here is my experience:I spent time with an ex therapist who I would go hiking with and sometimes current clients would come too. Frankly it was always a little odd with jockeying for her attention going on amongst all of us. The dynamics were off and left me feeling odd. No one threw tantrums or anything else, but it was just tense. I am not saying it would happen to you - just my experience.
mad hattermad hatterMember
Thanks Jones & Stoppers for replying. You have eased my PAD symptoms somewhat. Smiler

Jones, I'm not sure to either question. Frankly, I felt awkward around this client the first time I was in a group with her, even before I knew anything about her. It may be that my imagination was tormenting me worse than having a few facts, but I've always felt strangely drawn to her, or at least to know about her. Without giving details, she and I have a common link which she would not know about, unless my T has told her. It is true that what I know will definitely be a taboo topic though, even if she knows that I know what I know, unless she brings it up herself which I highly doubt. Wow, there were a lot of "knows" in that last sentence. Big Grin

Stoppers, yeah, I am imagining what you described with the dynamics feeling odd and the jockeying for attention. Thanks for sharing. I've never been one to demand being the center of attention. I'm just not that way -- at least not in a crowd of people (although perhaps I demand it of T when we are one-on-one). But that doesn't stop me from being jealous of those who do compete and demand it.
mad hattermad hatterMember
Thanks, DF, for sharing even though you are fighting a crisis state. I admire that you can do that. And I totally relate to your thought about the spouse wondering if I am the one who texts T night and day (with me its texting instead of email). I think the other client probably texts even more than I do, though. Poor hubby. Yeah, I won't know the first thing to say to him. I'll probably come out with a blubbering apology. Red Face

The more I think about this, the more I realize that all I can talk about with T or hubby or the other adult client is SMALL TALK. And for over 12 hours! I can only do small talk for so long before I fall into awkward silence. DF, you and LG could probably entertain from dawn til dusk, but I'm not that witty. But T has already instructed me that I'm not to hover over my kids and follow them around. Gee, maybe I better start making a list right now of safe topics to chat with my new best friend, whom I'm definitely in competition with for T, but secretly because T's husband is there watching and we can't clue him into our desperation. Oh, brother!

How about adding to this Small Talk List for me?

1- Weather (isn't it always number 1?)
2- Rides & Attractions - which ones are scary, safe, fun, have short lines, etc.
3- Health (limited to as it pertains to managing the rides)
4- Favorite Musicians/Song genres?
5- Favorite Movies/Actors?
6- Favorite Foods (not sure if this is safe topic, what do you think?)
7- If you could visit any place on earth, where would it be and why?
8- What are your pet peeves? (is that too personal?)

Okay, I think I'm stumped. This is all I got. I need some help or else I will inevitably say the wrong, taboo thing!

As far as the pairing up goes, I'm not sure because a few of the kids were "maybes" as to their attendance, not fully committed. But there might end up being some kids divided into groups of 3 instead of 2. (Man, I hate groups of 3. Someone is invariably always the oddball out!)

As far as being jealous of my kids...well I wouldn't describe it exactly that way. My kids don't seem to have the same possessiveness of T that I feel inside, so it doesn't feel like a direct competition. For the most part, I don't feel threatened by my kids relationship with her. But I will acknowledge feeling torn between wanting to spend time with my T over time with my kids when I have accompanied them in groups in the past. For example, once when we went to a theater for a movie then my kids wanted to sit on the very front row with me in-between them. They didn't want to sit next to T. But I definitely wanted to sit next to T. Yet T was NOT going to sit on the front row with her neck craned back for 2 hours. So I had to choose between sitting with my kids and sitting with T. I chose sitting with my kids because I knew that was what I should do for them, but I kept looking back over my shoulder the entire movie and wishing I were with T. Roll Eyes So the conflict is more about me wanting to be a kid instead of a grown-up.
mad hattermad hatterMember
DF - wow, thanks for the ideas and suggestions. I'm actually going to print this off and study it, haha. Seriously!

I knew the health topic would be very limited. I was actually thinking of it in terms of, which rides make you sick to your stomach and which ones make you dizzy or give you a headache? But that convo can only go so far. I hadn't thought about how the pet peeve discussion could easily lead to hurt feelings, but you are right, it might be taken as an attack or as criticism if a person's pet peeve happens to match something that someone else is "guilty" of doing.

Observations I think I can handle well. I'm fairly practiced at using that one. But the ME topics...well I would like to get the conversation OFF myself actually. At the last group I went to, someone asked me a question about myself that made me feel extremely uncomfortable because I didn't want to discuss it in front of T, and T was right there listening in. So I ended up literally fleeing. I said, "I don't want to talk about that," and I got up and went to the restroom. I usually try to avoid that kind of situation by peppering someone else with questions about themselves, to keep the focus off of me. I guess I could talk about my kids, though.

So it would be good if I could use the YOU topics. But this is a problem with this particular client. I know she is secretive and won't want to talk about herself either. I also know just enough about her to know a whole range of topics that might be triggering to her. I don't want her running away from me, so maybe I better go back to ME topics to take the pressure off her. I'm just rambling here, but its helping me, DF. I'm getting some ideas how to approach this. I'm going to make a list of ME topics that I feel comfortable sharing.
mad hattermad hatterMember
Haha, well that's funny almost, cuz I just got back from a session where I committed to go. So I'd feel like a schmuck backing out now. T is counting on me to drive a vanload. I know I could have said no, but honestly I didn't seriously consider it. I did, however, decide to cancel my session with her which was scheduled for the following day. I have a feeling I might need some space from her to process the experience for a day or two before we meet again.

There's a sneaky little side of me which kinda wants to get into that other client's head just a bit and try to figure her out, too. I'm starting to look at it as a challenge.
L lieseMember
MH,

Well, I'm glad that you can find a bright side to this whole outing because to me it just sounds miserable. I couldn't put myself through it. And quite honestly, I don't know how kids could learn social skills and organizational skills, etc., in one outing. I'm going to be blunt here but I think your T is deluded if she thinks they can learn all those things in one day. All I see are warning signs, danger, stay away, stay away. The whole scenario just doesn't sound healthy. Sorry if I'm being too blunt here. I certainly don't want to scare you away from seeking support.

Liese
mad hattermad hatterMember
Hey Frosty & Ninn, thanks for asking. I got back very late last night, and frankly couldn't have posted before now even if I had wanted because I was emotionally spent.

It was amazing...a mix of wonderful and awful, I suppose, but I'm still processing and not entirely sure! One thing's for sure, I will never forget the experience. It has definitely impacted me.

I'm really hesitant in what information to share here because I am aware that many readers don't think highly of my T, partly because of the times I have complained about her in the past, and partly because people have different opinions on what boundaries a T should or shouldn't have. And what I could write about yesterday's outing would probably add fuel to that fire. I think those who don't like my T are not being unkind but genuinely have my best interests at heart. But right now I am not open to criticism of my T. I realize I am not consistent in this and have sometimes welcomed it in the past. Who knows, I may do so again someday. But right now my feelings for my T are very tender.

Yet I definitely have some conflicted feelings. I love my T more than ever, and my trust in her genuine caring for others has grown. At the same time I am battling feelings of shame and feel like fleeing therapy. The judgment comes from within, but I see myself as unworthy to continue.
blackbirdblackbirdMember
I'm so glad to hear that your expereince was at least postive.Int the end I just want to support youin doing what you truly feel is best for you. I would love to hear about your day, but I also understand how scary that can be, so no pressures here.

Hugs, MH! You are definitely worthy. I know it doesn't take the feelings away, but I have to say it. I promise not to say anything negative about your T if you decide to write. I know how that is, so thanks for telling us.

BB
mad hattermad hatterMember
Thanks for understanding BB, I know you do. It can be so hard when we love our T's to accept criticism of them.

I did start to really panic Sunday night and thought to myself, "I should have listened to Liese! I should have backed out!" I didn't really sleep well for the anxiety that was building. It's funny that what I feared most were big awkward silences, and yet for the most part they did not materialize. What ended up triggering me the most was the amount of disclosure that occurred, in both direct and indirect ways. It came from my T, her husband, their daughter and 3 grandkids who met us there (which was a shock to me - T gave me about 2 hours notice), and from the other adult client. Of course, some of it could not be avoided, but some was also definitely unexpected. I'm still trying to sort out which disclosures were helpful and which were not.

My kids did have fun, and I did too. The weather was awesome and the lines to the attractions were short - the best of both worlds.

I took a turn withdrawing from the group mid-day and disappeared for awhile for some "downtime" when I felt like crying. Then in the early evening the other adult client did a similar thing. But she generated a little more drama over it with T than I did, I think. It's funny how for the most part we each appeared to have it all together during the trip, and yet each of us took a turn to fall apart privately.
L lieseMember
(((MH)))

Maybe you'll wind up growing more from the experience. I block out parts of my T's life that I can't deal with emotionally. You dealt with a lot: all these other people you share T with and who have different relationships with her. That would have stirred up a lot of jealousy in me. I don't know if you had those feelings, but if you did and you can work through them, perhaps you'll be in a stronger place. Sounds like you handled it well. And, that's good. Smiler

Liese
mad hattermad hatterMember
Yeah, Liese, the jealousy thing did flare its ugly head with the other adult client, which accounted for the little bit of awful that was sprinkled in among the good parts of the day. But curiously there was no jealousy problem with T's family members. I actually came away with a lot more peace over my worries about what her husband was like, whether he really wanted to be there or not, whether he was a patient person, whether he resented all the times I texted his wife, etc. I tend to project my father onto a lot of men, which isn't fair to them but is how I've learned to protect myself I guess. Anyway, I just came away with such a respect for T's husband. He was kind, gentle, and open with the clients. And while he was clearly in love with T, yet he was not possessive of her. He was content to remain in the background, not demanding any attention for himself during this trip. T had told me before that her husband was the most supportive person on the planet, but I didn't believe it until I saw it myself. He easily melted away any pre-judgments I may have had about him. So that part of disclosure seems to have been a good thing, I think. Cause I think it will help me be less resentful of T wanting to spend time with him over me on her weekends. Hey, I understand now why she wants to. Wink

I didn't get quite the same connection from the daughter, but I can't say I got hostility either. I think I expected her to be wary of me, since we are not far apart in age and maybe she could see me as a competitor for her mama's time and attention. But I think the daughter was more mature about it than I would have been if our roles were reversed. We did spend a few moments in discussing children, and the difficulty of keeping track of a 2-year-old in an amusement park, but that was about as deep as our conversation went. But it was okay. I don't need her to be my buddy, I just don't want her to hate me for wishing I was part of her family. Roll Eyes Big Grin

I was touched, however, by a scene where I observed T spending a one-on-one teaching moment with her grandson, the daughter's 6 or 7 year-old boy. I was just impressed by T trying to pass some of her values along to him.

But Liese, the jealousy thing with that other adult client is still plaguing me. But now its complicated because the more I get to know her the more she does seem kind of likeable. Sheesh, if I am going to keep talking about her I might as well give her a pseudo name so I can refer to her by something other than that adult client! It's not her real name, but here I will call her Kelly. Anyway, even though she's got her share of issues, she's still a nice, likeable person. So now I can't hate her. Yet I am still jealous of her. I admitted this to T when we had a brief private moment yesterday in the park, and T's response was that Kelly was the one jealous of me because I had more than she would ever have, and also that she was lucky to be alive because she just got out of the hospital after recovering from taking 3 bottles of pills. That probably wasn't the best thing T could have said to me because I took it as shaming, that I shouldn't have envious feelings, and that I was less worthy of T's concern than Kelly was. Probably that was not how T intended for me to take it, but it does seem to me that T gets defensive in behalf of Kelly and is protective of her. So that only feeds my jealousy even more. Damn, I want to hate that girl, but the truth is that she's had a harder life than I and deserves a break or two. Not to mention she's been with T longer than I have, so she should have a higher ranking claim to T than me, right? Oh, yes, I am aware of how immature this monologue is getting. Razzer
mad hattermad hatterMember
LG, well the issue of payment is like a little can of worms.

The arrangement we made when T first invited me was that I would go, if I wanted to, as a driver if she needed me, which it was looking at that point like she would. And I agreed to reimburse her for the cost of my amusement park ticket and meals, but not otherwise be charged for any therapy fees. I felt okay about not paying therapy fees, even though I am a client, because T requested my services.

But then the situation changed. T found a large van to rent at the last minute. (I don't know why T's receptionist couldn't handle arranging for a van rental but T finally made some phone calls herself and found one.) So now T texts me Friday night and tells me she probably won't need me to drive anymore...but that I am still invited to go along if I want to.

So I am feeling like T has invited me to go anyway because she doesn't want to be rude and dis-invite me when I was already planning on it. But suddenly I am not feeling useful. So I text back, "If I am not driving then I should not go because then you can't justify not charging me the full fee."

So T writes back, "I wouldn't have invited you to go if it wasn't okay. It's up to you."

So I could have backed out, but I sorta wanted to go and torture myself. Roll Eyes Big Grin So I told T that if I was not going to drive then maybe I could afford to pay for about a third of the charge because I wouldn't have gas expenses. She didn't reply back with anything except a smiley face, which I took as, "whatever, that's fine with me."

But how all this gets communicated to the receptionist is another matter. And since the trip is over, I've been feeling guilty about planning on only paying a third of the fee because I felt much more like a client than a chaperone. I think the truth is that T technically didn't need me to go along as a chaperone. I'm not sure. I just know that I did a lot more playing than babysitting. I think the youngest kids there were about 8, and the teenagers took care of themselves. And because it ended up being such a powerful experience, it feels like I ought to pay for it. It wouldn't be money wasted. So maybe I should just not tell T and pay the full amount to the receptionist so I won't feel like a schmuck. I haven't decided.
ladygreyladygreyMember
I don't think you should have to pay for any of it. And if you do end up paying, I think you should tell T you've paid.

But I am still a little unclear....does T bill the kids for therapy time? i.e. if they are there 8 hours, does each kid pay for hours 8 of therapy (times 15 kids!).

I am sorry if I am being nosy and for opening up a can of worms. I have to be honest though...I am a bit surprised that a T would be making a freaking fortune by taking a bunch of kids to an amusement park. This just seems....not quite right in my book. Perhaps I have it wrong though and she is not billing everyone for her time?
ladygreyladygreyMember
I wanted to add that I am a bit shocked that your T shared with you that "Kelly" had just gotten out of the hospital after taking 3 bottles of pills. Is this not a violation of confidentiality? And for her to say that Kelly should be jealous of you...that seems like an inappropriate thing to say about a client, especially to another client. Imagine if she had said that to Kelly about you instead of to you about Kelly. I would be devastated if my T said that about me to another client.

I don't mean to gang up on you about your T, MH. I know its a sensitive topic and you are protective of her. I do not want to discourage you from sharing about your experiences regarding your T. I also don't want to seem judgmental of your therapy. Just so I am clear here...I am not judging you in any way. I just see a lot of red flag here that leave me concerned about you.
mad hattermad hatterMember
Well, I'm not sure if I entirely understand how T calculates the bill for this trip. I know she is "on duty" with kids from about 7 AM until midnight if you include all the travel time. Which is a lot of hours. Like, 17 hours? No, she doesn't charge each kid for 17 hours of therapy. I think last year my daughter was charged the equivalent of 3 therapeutic hours for the full day. But that charge covered the cost of park admittance, 2 meals, snacks, and transportation. Those are all included, not charged out separately. T told me the tickets alone cost her over $700. Then there's the van rental, gas, parking fees, breakfast and dinner, and her time, energy, and liability. So I don't think she's making an insane fortune, but on the other hand I don't think she would be hurt too much by me not paying because it does seem like quite a bit more than she would typically make in one day, even after expenses.
mad hattermad hatterMember
I kind of already knew Kelly had an SU attempt but I didn't know she was hospitalized over it. So yeah, technically that is a breach. At least, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable admitting to Kelly what I knew about her because I wouldn't know how she would react, whether she would be really shocked by my knowing it or not. I can see how writing this out, it does seem like a red flag.

So why does it not bother me? I mean, T is telling me things about Kelly that technically she shouldn't, right? So...I should be worried that T will also not keep my information 100% secret, right? It makes logical sense. I don't know how to explain why I have an absence of anxiety about this. I admit, it seems it should produce alarm bells.

Maybe I think I just have nothing that I fear for Kelly to find out about me. I mean, if T is also telling Kelly about me, I would not be afraid. I think my response...well, I would almost be honored that I was on T's mind enough that she would think about me outside of my own session time, that something about me mattered enough to her to have a conversation with Kelly about me.

I am not afraid of Kelly knowing anything about me because we have zero mutual friends that I am aware of and I just don't think it could go any farther. I know enough about Kelly to feel assured that she wouldn't judge me over anything either.

Now, if T were to talk about me, by name, behind my back to someone who knew me, but didn't know I was in therapy, like a neighbor or church member or friend, then I would most likely get upset. Because that could get around, and even if it didn't get around, maybe I wouldn't want the judgment of that one person.

But I don't worry about T spreading info randomly to anyone. She doesn't do that to me with other clients. I think she talks to me about Kelly because she knows I understand and can identify with her more than most people can. And T knows that I won't talk about Kelly to my family and friends (except on here, anonymously) because it might reveal myself in ways I don't want to be revealed. (Very few people beyond my H and kids know I have been in therapy for the past 2 years - not even my siblings or parents or in-laws. And T knows I want to keep it that way.) I suspect T thinks what she says is helpful to me. And some of it has been. But I'm not sure the jealousy thing is helpful.
learning2flylearning2flyMember
hi MH

I know sort of how you feel. I now see a T who has some different boundaries than any other I have seen before. However I do feel that for me it is okay. The reason why I feel this way is because I am not so dependent on her as I have been on other Ts in the past. I mean I don't hang on her every word etc. If I did I'd be a little more worried about what she is doing. I think it's up to each person individually to know what works for them. The only thing I can say is if you have a gut feeling that it is wrong I wouldn't necessarily ignore that.

My T wants to buy me food because I am so broke I can't afford to buy any right now. She has given me things in the past. Lent me money that I have repaid. So far I seem to be handling it okay. But the food thing feels a little strange. I explained to her that I am often in this place and that it's chronic so I didn't want her to feel she had to bail me out on food every time. she said "I know I just want you to eat now. Not eating can really mess up your brain chemistry" And it is true that right now I am in a horrible place mentally. Anyway I didn't mean to put this all on me so much as I just wanted to assure you that sometimes boundaries are weird in therapy and that we all have to protect ourselves but we know what is best.
mad hattermad hatterMember
L2F, thanks for sharing your perspective, and no, you didn't do anything wrong in your post by adding your personal experience. If no one ever did that, it would get boring real fast. I think its touching that your T cares about you enough to make sure you aren't starving. I think a T has to be careful to know their own limits and not try to save the world, but on the other hand, if she feels it is something she can do and she sees a very real need then wouldn't she be less than caring to not try to help? Counseling is, after all, a helping profession. They should be in it because they genuinely care about people's welfare. I'm sorry it is a chronic problem for you, though. Frowner Hopefully your T can also link you to other sources and resources which could assist you, so that you won't feel she is taking a burden completely upon herself.
ladygreyladygreyMember
To the person whose T wants to be her food...I think thats very sweet of your T, but I think it may be more helpful if she put you in touch with a food bank of other such organization that it set up for this type of service...just so there aren't any feelings of "owing" your T, etc. I feel like that might keep the waters less muddy...and also would provide more of an ongoing solution.
mad hattermad hatterMember
LG, thanks for posting here as I just read about your latest with T1 and the meds issue and know you've had a real shaky day. Hugs to you.

Yeah, you are right to pick up on the fact that I am unsettled. Not that such is uncommon for me. I never seem to go too long without the pendulum swinging that way. Bliss never lasts long enough.

At this point what is bothering me isn't so much that T told me something which should be confidential information. It's not really a trust thing. It's more the WAY she said it, or perhaps the way I took it, that makes me feel ashamed or unworthy or unreasonably jealous. And I've been trying to suppress this unsettled part of my feelings because I wanted to savour the wonderful moments of the day. But as time passes away from T, I'm starting to ruminate more about it.

In my head, the message I hear is that my problems are insignificant compared to Kelly's. And I find myself agreeing. So then I ask myself what the hell am I doing in therapy whining about my problems all the time? What is so terrible about my life that makes me want to cling to her like a child when I have so many blessings? A lot of people have suffered worse than I have, including T's husband, and yet I don't see them as using it as an excuse to escape their current life. So I am feeling like I have no justification to demand T's attention at the level which I desire. I feel unworthy to be this needy. And the only way to escape the shame of it is to quit therapy and prove that I can be independent of her and that I can rise above my self-pity and find the strength to be grateful for all that I have.

Now, T never suggested that I quit therapy. I know that. But since I have placed myself in this ridiculous competition with Kelly and find myself always losing out, then that's what I've come up with.
mad hattermad hatterMember
Hey Frosty, no shame on you at all. Good to hear from you though. I didn't know that about your dad. It's nice to hear your perspective about not resenting the people your dad counseled.

I'm trying to put my finger on why I am jealous of Kelly, because I don't envy the particular problems that she has in her life. I do feel sorry for her that she has such rough challenges.

I think the jealousy thing occurs because I truly believe Kelly is my T's favorite client, that T loves her and worries about her and takes care of her...more so than with me. When T talks about Kelly, I can see her concern and hear it in her voice. I think she bends her rules for Kelly more than she does for me, although I'm not privy to exactly how much. I even have my doubts about whether Kelly pays for her therapy or gets it pro bono, although this is mostly speculation on my part. I have a hard time believing that T is as worried about me, behind the scenes, as she constantly is about Kelly. So that's what its about. It's like sibling rivalry for a mother's love and attention. I'm even jealous that Kelly has nearly an identical shade of hair color and eyes as my T, because I imagine that it makes it easier for T to feel like Kelly is her daughter.
mad hattermad hatterMember
hmmm, i think i want T to think of me as the client she "saved" in a sense that it had a happy ending and she felt some ownership over that. in truth i think she wants me to save myself, which maybe is how it should be. but i think T definitely sees Kelly as someone who needs to be rescued. somethings messed up in my head when i think about sabotaging the good things in my life just so i can try to get a similar rescuing response from T.

my T has said, more than once, that Kelly also gets jealous, and that she is possessive of T just like I am. oh forbidden thought...maybe T is trying to play us off of each other. i hope not. thats not a nice game at all.
ladygreyladygreyMember
quote:
n my head, the message I hear is that my problems are insignificant compared to Kelly's. And I find myself agreeing. So then I ask myself what the hell am I doing in therapy whining about my problems all the time? What is so terrible about my life that makes me want to cling to her like a child when I have so many blessings? A lot of people have suffered worse than I have, including T's husband, and yet I don't see them as using it as an excuse to escape their current life. So I am feeling like I have no justification to demand T's attention at the level which I desire. I feel unworthy to be this needy. And the only way to escape the shame of it is to quit therapy and prove that I can be independent of her and that I can rise above my self-pity and find the strength to be grateful for all that I have.



I can see how you interpreted it to mean that you have no real problems compared to Kelly, but that is not what I got out of her comment. What I heard in her comment was that although you have problems, you are more of a survivor than Kelly.....that Kelly should be jealous of you because you keep your head above water and have persevered during some difficult times....that you are more adept at managing your emotions, even though they can feel overwhelming at times.

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