there are no words only tears and overwhelming isolation
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((((Forlorn)))) I am so sorry....I know I don't really know you, but I feel I do understand how you feel - to some extent at least - from my own experiences. Remember there is here....I know that all around you may be darkness and other thoughts may occupy your head, making so much noise that it is impossible to hear the words of others....but at least know that you are understood.
I too feel at the moment like everything is spiraling down....but I have to hang on...I have to at least try, even though it is hard.
Are you seeing a T/P?
Big hugs to you
I too feel at the moment like everything is spiraling down....but I have to hang on...I have to at least try, even though it is hard.
Are you seeing a T/P?
Big hugs to you
Forlorn,
I've only got but a minute right now, but I hope that even a post with a few words will help you know that you're not alone, even though I know it feels like you're invisible. Don't feel pressured whatsoever to post if you don't want to, but did something happen that triggered this response? I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. Please take care of yourself, and post as much as you want and need to.
Big hugs, Forlorn.
I've only got but a minute right now, but I hope that even a post with a few words will help you know that you're not alone, even though I know it feels like you're invisible. Don't feel pressured whatsoever to post if you don't want to, but did something happen that triggered this response? I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place. Please take care of yourself, and post as much as you want and need to.
Big hugs, Forlorn.
Oh folorn I am so sorry that you feel in a bad place. Please do not feel it's necessary to give us any details if you can't, just know that you are not on your own, that people here care abouy how you feel.
Hug folorn,
starfish
Hug folorn,
starfish
((((((Forlorn))))))
You're not alone.
Can you talk to your T?
I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone, that's how I am, but talking really can help.
Hugs.
You're not alone.
Can you talk to your T?
I know you probably don't want to talk to anyone, that's how I am, but talking really can help.
Hugs.
(((((Forlorn)))))
You're in my thoughts, friend.
agent
You're in my thoughts, friend.
agent
I am so sorry that you are in such a rough spot. You are not alone even though it feels like you are. Please know that you are in my thoughts. (((hugs)))
Forlorn,
I'm sorry you feel so hurt and isolated. Please know that even though you feel alone, you're not. We're hear and really do care about how you're doing.
AG
I'm sorry you feel so hurt and isolated. Please know that even though you feel alone, you're not. We're hear and really do care about how you're doing.
AG
I am so sorry, Forlorn. I hope that if the words come, you will know it is ok to put them down here. I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. (((Forlorn)))
BB
BB
Thank you all. I feel like I can't express gratitude appropriately right now but I am grateful for your support.
***warning trigger***
I'm hurt. Aching, literally. Had chest pains this afternoon. Will see pcp tomorrow.
I'm reaching my limits. I can't control my emotions or control how well I function. Sometimes I'm "up" and I get lots accomplished, then randomly, other times I'm "down" and in bed for hours. Sunday was very very down.
I can't call my T. I am afraid too. I called her last week and left a very upset message where I yelled and was angry. T told me at next session that if I did that during a session she would have been afraid of me.
I can't ever call her again. I don't even know if I can see her after this. She clearly thinks I'm a monster and I tried and tried telling her before that I AM a monster but she refused to believe it then. And now she's seeing the monster and is scared. I agree, monsters are scary, and I am a monster.
I try talking to her, she only gets frustrated. I hear her voice changes and her tone and it sounds frustrated. It sounds defensive. It sounds like she doesn't want to have to pretend to be nice to me anymore. I am sad. I say things and they upset her. I don't say them to upset, I just am trying to talk. For months she says "talk Forlorn". So now I talk but it must be wrong, the things I say. But she doesn't ask WHY I say these things. I really want her (us) to work on the WHY I said it. Not that it is WRONG. I get it is wrong but why am I saying wrong things and why is it wrong? And then maybe I can start to change. I can't hear her words though when I hear her upset tone, so I just shut down and cry. Why did I have to make her hate me now. She is not my mom, but so like her now. So frustrated with me just being what I am.
I haven't been on meds in months and haven't been to a psych so I started trying to call around for one. There is months and months of waiting. No one can get me in. But I tell them I am desperate and at my bottom, I don't know how much longer I can hang on definitely not for months. The psychs are all overbooked. Is everyone going through hard times? So many people just barely hanging on waiting to see a psych, so many problems in this world. So much despair?
What am I going to do? I am literally alone. I live by myself, I don't even have a boyfriend or best friend. If something happened no one would notice. No one. And I'm losing hope for me.
***warning trigger***
I'm hurt. Aching, literally. Had chest pains this afternoon. Will see pcp tomorrow.
I'm reaching my limits. I can't control my emotions or control how well I function. Sometimes I'm "up" and I get lots accomplished, then randomly, other times I'm "down" and in bed for hours. Sunday was very very down.
I can't call my T. I am afraid too. I called her last week and left a very upset message where I yelled and was angry. T told me at next session that if I did that during a session she would have been afraid of me.
I can't ever call her again. I don't even know if I can see her after this. She clearly thinks I'm a monster and I tried and tried telling her before that I AM a monster but she refused to believe it then. And now she's seeing the monster and is scared. I agree, monsters are scary, and I am a monster.
I try talking to her, she only gets frustrated. I hear her voice changes and her tone and it sounds frustrated. It sounds defensive. It sounds like she doesn't want to have to pretend to be nice to me anymore. I am sad. I say things and they upset her. I don't say them to upset, I just am trying to talk. For months she says "talk Forlorn". So now I talk but it must be wrong, the things I say. But she doesn't ask WHY I say these things. I really want her (us) to work on the WHY I said it. Not that it is WRONG. I get it is wrong but why am I saying wrong things and why is it wrong? And then maybe I can start to change. I can't hear her words though when I hear her upset tone, so I just shut down and cry. Why did I have to make her hate me now. She is not my mom, but so like her now. So frustrated with me just being what I am.
I haven't been on meds in months and haven't been to a psych so I started trying to call around for one. There is months and months of waiting. No one can get me in. But I tell them I am desperate and at my bottom, I don't know how much longer I can hang on definitely not for months. The psychs are all overbooked. Is everyone going through hard times? So many people just barely hanging on waiting to see a psych, so many problems in this world. So much despair?
What am I going to do? I am literally alone. I live by myself, I don't even have a boyfriend or best friend. If something happened no one would notice. No one. And I'm losing hope for me.
(((((Forlorn))))) I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now...and w/out impending relief in the near future....i just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you and that i wish i could help in some way...i feel so lonely many times too(i have horrible social anxiety)...well...i hope you find some relief soon...i'm sending you many well-wishes and hugs...mlc
hug and thoughts from me too folorn
((((((((((((folorn)))))))))))))
starfish
((((((((((((folorn)))))))))))))
starfish
Forlorn, it is very good that you reach out here. I hear you sounding very confused and scared about the reaction of your T. May I share something with you? I went through a long period of time in T where it seemed very clear to me that my T was cold, forbidding and judgemental of me. He seemed to validate all my own worst fears about myself being abd and such. It is a very scary and painful thing. I think it was wrong of her to say what she did. Your anger needs to be heard and understood, and you deserve to be helped to realize where it's coming from, and that you are not bad for having those feelings. Well, someone on here recently said thir T was proud when they got angry at them. You deserve the same. Now, I'm sure you have a good T, yet, they can make mistakes.I personally, from the information given here, believe it was a mistake to tell you that she would have been scared. You need to feel free to express anything that comes up in you and be helped with it, not hindered. That is your right in therapy, and it certainly doesn't make you a monster. Well, we all have such scary things within us which need to be looked at and helped with, not judged or made to feel unsafe for having them. I am sorry about the way you are feeling. I hope you will continue to reach out at this time. I hope you will find the courage within, to talk this over and see where it leads you. In the meantime, we are here. Be kind to yourself, you are very dear.
BB
BB
(((((forlorn)))))
you are not alone... and you are definitely not a monster! you are the sweetest person, my first online friend, so caring and honest and just adorable... and yes, troubled, but who isn't?
i hope it doesn't hurt you more when i tell you that my T used to say to me that i can be angry, she can handle it. i am so sorry that your T couldn't do that for you because you so deserve it!
(((hugs)))
you are not alone... and you are definitely not a monster! you are the sweetest person, my first online friend, so caring and honest and just adorable... and yes, troubled, but who isn't?
i hope it doesn't hurt you more when i tell you that my T used to say to me that i can be angry, she can handle it. i am so sorry that your T couldn't do that for you because you so deserve it!
(((hugs)))
Forlon I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. You are not alone at all... you have this huge community here to listen to you and support you. Do you have any family at all? Or a co-worker or friend you could call? I know I would be happy to help out a friend who needs some support if they called me.
On the matter of your T...if she got scared because you were emotional on the phone then she is in the wrong profession. The problem is with her and not with you. You are in need of help and that is why you are in therapy and she should be able to handle when a client is hurting and gets emotional. I know this because it happened to me with my T. He pushed me and pushed me into becoming scared and over emotional and then he ran from me because he could not handle my emotions. I know on some level it's his deficiency but I do know that it hurts inside of us to think that our T would be overwhelmed by us and our feelings. This is a very normal fear of trauma survivors. We always think we are going to be too much for other people... but well trained and intelligent Ts can handle the emotions that we bring to them. I'm so sorry your T, like mine, is having trouble with this part of their responsibility. But it's NOT you... you are not a monster or anything at all scary. You are a kind gentle soul who needs some attention and understanding.
Please write again and let us know how you are doing
TN
On the matter of your T...if she got scared because you were emotional on the phone then she is in the wrong profession. The problem is with her and not with you. You are in need of help and that is why you are in therapy and she should be able to handle when a client is hurting and gets emotional. I know this because it happened to me with my T. He pushed me and pushed me into becoming scared and over emotional and then he ran from me because he could not handle my emotions. I know on some level it's his deficiency but I do know that it hurts inside of us to think that our T would be overwhelmed by us and our feelings. This is a very normal fear of trauma survivors. We always think we are going to be too much for other people... but well trained and intelligent Ts can handle the emotions that we bring to them. I'm so sorry your T, like mine, is having trouble with this part of their responsibility. But it's NOT you... you are not a monster or anything at all scary. You are a kind gentle soul who needs some attention and understanding.
Please write again and let us know how you are doing
TN
Thank you all for your lovely responses.
I am just numb now. I go to sessions and just end up crying there the whole time. I'm frustrated and lost. I told her it hurt me that she said she would've been afraid of me. She said she was trying to let me know how my words and actions would affect others so I could learn how I am being perceived as some people in my outside life will not explain their reactions. They will just get offended or scared and leave me. This is my interpretation of what she said she was trying to do in saying that. She said she didn't do it to upset me. But she keep asking me throughout the session if I was angry. Like she had to check to make sure I wouldn't blow out of control or something. idk. I'm losing hope in everything.
She also said that grownups are not allowed to show their rage (which is what she called it, I call it anger). She said they are just supposed to talk about the things making them angry. But I said people can't just do that there are so many angry people and the need to let it out. And she said that's why those people end up in jail for simple assault charges.
So I wonder has anyone ever Yelled, really yelled at their T, and how did they handle it? And are they expected to? I mean, in her shoes, I probably would be afraid of me too. but I'm in my shoes so it's hurts that someone would think that about me. especially when I love her so much I would never even think of doing whatever she would've been afraid of. Besides I think yelling over the phone is different. The phone is a safe way to express angry words. She should know me by now. I feel a little betrayed. like she doesn't know me enough to trust me not to be that sort of angry person when I'm there. idk. i'm extra sensitive right now.
I was able to find a psychiatrist to see me this wednesday so hopefully once back on meds, my emotions will simmer a bit. I hate feeling this out of control of my sadness and I wish I hadn't stopped the meds. It's a miracle I found this one. I happened to have my phone in my hand when she called back and it sounded like she didn't have anything and wasn't sure if she'd take me without me being referred to her but lucky she had a cancellation.
In the meantime I am tired, numb and still very very sad
I am just numb now. I go to sessions and just end up crying there the whole time. I'm frustrated and lost. I told her it hurt me that she said she would've been afraid of me. She said she was trying to let me know how my words and actions would affect others so I could learn how I am being perceived as some people in my outside life will not explain their reactions. They will just get offended or scared and leave me. This is my interpretation of what she said she was trying to do in saying that. She said she didn't do it to upset me. But she keep asking me throughout the session if I was angry. Like she had to check to make sure I wouldn't blow out of control or something. idk. I'm losing hope in everything.
She also said that grownups are not allowed to show their rage (which is what she called it, I call it anger). She said they are just supposed to talk about the things making them angry. But I said people can't just do that there are so many angry people and the need to let it out. And she said that's why those people end up in jail for simple assault charges.
So I wonder has anyone ever Yelled, really yelled at their T, and how did they handle it? And are they expected to? I mean, in her shoes, I probably would be afraid of me too. but I'm in my shoes so it's hurts that someone would think that about me. especially when I love her so much I would never even think of doing whatever she would've been afraid of. Besides I think yelling over the phone is different. The phone is a safe way to express angry words. She should know me by now. I feel a little betrayed. like she doesn't know me enough to trust me not to be that sort of angry person when I'm there. idk. i'm extra sensitive right now.
I was able to find a psychiatrist to see me this wednesday so hopefully once back on meds, my emotions will simmer a bit. I hate feeling this out of control of my sadness and I wish I hadn't stopped the meds. It's a miracle I found this one. I happened to have my phone in my hand when she called back and it sounded like she didn't have anything and wasn't sure if she'd take me without me being referred to her but lucky she had a cancellation.
In the meantime I am tired, numb and still very very sad
Dear folorn
How are you? How was the psychiatrist appointment today? Thoughts still for you,
starfish
How are you? How was the psychiatrist appointment today? Thoughts still for you,
starfish
Yes, please if you are able, let us know how you are doing today. I hope your appointemtn went well.
BB
BB
thinking of you ((((forlorn))))
Thank you all. Really, I can't express how much it means to me to see your thoughts and responses. It does help me, Thank you.
Today has been wishy-washy mood-wise. I think I like this psych-doc lady. She was a bit capricious seeming, but she also got out some root issues (even ones that my T hasn't felt out yet) out of me. She even lent me a book, which was a bit unexpected and makes me worry since I'm irresponsible with those sort of things. And she has a doggie who "helps" out. Well, I was able to get back on the prozac and I'm going to fill my script tonight!
But I'm having other problems now. I've been having chest pain for the past 3 days. Doc did an EKG which "looked good", now just waiting on the results from the blood-work.
On top of it I'm planning a long-distance move and working full-time and going to school full-time. Too much for one little me right now. I guess I gotta drop something before it all comes crashing down.
Today has been wishy-washy mood-wise. I think I like this psych-doc lady. She was a bit capricious seeming, but she also got out some root issues (even ones that my T hasn't felt out yet) out of me. She even lent me a book, which was a bit unexpected and makes me worry since I'm irresponsible with those sort of things. And she has a doggie who "helps" out. Well, I was able to get back on the prozac and I'm going to fill my script tonight!
But I'm having other problems now. I've been having chest pain for the past 3 days. Doc did an EKG which "looked good", now just waiting on the results from the blood-work.
On top of it I'm planning a long-distance move and working full-time and going to school full-time. Too much for one little me right now. I guess I gotta drop something before it all comes crashing down.
I'm so glad to hear the P worked out! I was really hoping it would. You must be realived. 
I hope everything else comes together without having to give up too much.
I hope everything else comes together without having to give up too much.
forlorn, my little camper, i am so sorry i have not kept up with you, but you do have quite a bit on your plate right now...geez, those are all major life stressors!! go fill that script, and get the support you need, my dear. i am so sorry you have so much going on, but glad you are under medical care with meds and that heart stuff. stay on your appointments, don't let that slide!! ok??? hugs, jill
At the ER right now. The bloodwork came back elevated and my doc called me at work and told me to leave immediately and go to the ER for more tests.
So I'm sitting here alone. Had a CT scan of my chest for blood clots and ultrasounds of my legs for clots.
Now I'm waiting for results from those. And I'm not had any dinner they only give me saltine crackers and juice.
PLUS!!!! Tonight was my appointment with T and I had to cancel it so am really sad to not be able to see her when I'm hurting and was looking forward to seeing her.
And you know what? I was tempted to wait to go to the ER AFTER my appointment just so I wouldn't miss it. How destructive is that? But I did decide to call her and cancel and even asked if I could call back during my appointment time and just talk to her.
So I'm sitting here alone. Had a CT scan of my chest for blood clots and ultrasounds of my legs for clots.
Now I'm waiting for results from those. And I'm not had any dinner they only give me saltine crackers and juice.
PLUS!!!! Tonight was my appointment with T and I had to cancel it so am really sad to not be able to see her when I'm hurting and was looking forward to seeing her.
And you know what? I was tempted to wait to go to the ER AFTER my appointment just so I wouldn't miss it. How destructive is that? But I did decide to call her and cancel and even asked if I could call back during my appointment time and just talk to her.
Hi Forlorn,
So sorry to hear you're stuck in the ER, I'll be praying for a good outcome. And I'm so sorry about having to cancel your appt (just for the record, I do think you made the right choice. But just so you feel better, I would have had the same debate with myself.) What a time to have to skip seeing your T. I hope you're able to connect to her through at least a phone call. Please let us know how you're doing.
AG
So sorry to hear you're stuck in the ER, I'll be praying for a good outcome. And I'm so sorry about having to cancel your appt (just for the record, I do think you made the right choice. But just so you feel better, I would have had the same debate with myself.) What a time to have to skip seeing your T. I hope you're able to connect to her through at least a phone call. Please let us know how you're doing.
AG
Please let us know how you are doing forlorn...we are all thinking of you, worrying for you...be well.
(((((forlorn)))))
BB
(((((forlorn)))))
BB
Oh, Forlorn. I'm so sorry. Did you talk to your T last night? I hope so. Sending my best wishes for a good outcome and a speedy recovery. Take good care and know that we're thinking of you. Update us when you can. Big big hugs to you.
agent
agent
Update: (sorry I meant to update sooner but fell asleep)
The tests at the er showed no clots and nothing serious so I have to follow up with my doc to see what other causes there are.
I'm still very tired.
I did call T back and we talked for just a few minutes mostly about the tests and the hospital. It was helpful being able to hear her even when I really wanted to be with her in person. And despite how awful (in my opinion) I've been during our past few sessions, it was like it was in the beginning. She had the soft and kind voice I remembered and loved so much. It was easy to talk without the underlying river of tense agitation that she's seemed to have lately.
It makes me really look forward to seeing her next time.
Now hopefully the prozac will kick in and I can start mellowing out. Still have too much on my plate though and forgot all about needing to get new tires and my car inspected before the end of this month
The tests at the er showed no clots and nothing serious so I have to follow up with my doc to see what other causes there are.
I'm still very tired.
I did call T back and we talked for just a few minutes mostly about the tests and the hospital. It was helpful being able to hear her even when I really wanted to be with her in person. And despite how awful (in my opinion) I've been during our past few sessions, it was like it was in the beginning. She had the soft and kind voice I remembered and loved so much. It was easy to talk without the underlying river of tense agitation that she's seemed to have lately.
It makes me really look forward to seeing her next time.
Now hopefully the prozac will kick in and I can start mellowing out. Still have too much on my plate though and forgot all about needing to get new tires and my car inspected before the end of this month
(((Forlorn)) I am so glad that your tests came back ok. I'm sorry for the hard time you're going through and just wanted to let you know I am here to support you.
Smiley
Smiley
I'm glad the tests came back ok and you liked the p-doc. Hopefully the meds will kick in soon and you will start to feel better. I am happy to hear that your T was like her old self on the phone even though it stinks that you had to miss your session! I hope the next session goes well and you are able to feel comforted and safe.
Very glad to hear you are ok and safe...thank you for letting us know...take care of you...I'm gald to know your T was helpful again...
keep posting (as you can)
BB
keep posting (as you can)
BB
and you guys are all just awesome by the way. Everyone who has been reading, responding, and sending me good wishes and thoughts, I am really very thankful for you all and your support.
folorn
I am glad the tests were ok and also that you heard from your T and took comfort from that. I hope you can start to get the support that you so badly need, (((folorn)))
starfish
I am glad the tests were ok
and also that you heard from your T and took comfort from that. I hope you can start to get the support that you so badly need, (((folorn)))starfish
OK
I'm trying to be ok now. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....Chugga chugga chugga...
PeaceQuest- Good to "meet" you. I'm sorry to hear you're spiraling at the moment too. I hope things get turned around soon for you. I'm thinking it must be the season. I am seeing a T and P now. I'm trying to keep things focused on what's happening rather than my emotions with my T so I can not fall apart in sessions. And the P is new, I'm back on meds and hoping that will help. Are you with a T/P? I've also been trying to use music to get out of the darkness (though it doesn't Always help). Currently listening to Wasted by Carrie Underwood and Every Day by Rascal Flatts. Keep posting and keep me updated with how things are for you ok. ((((HUGS))))
Kashley- Thank you for helping me realize I'm never really alone. These thoughts sort of triggered themselves as I was planning all I had to do around the house Sunday and I stopped for one minute to rest and down came the tears. I guess part of it was feeling so overwhelmed with everything I had to do and having no one that I could share the responsibility with made me overcome with loneliness. ((((HUGS))))
Starfish- Thanks sweetie. I think T and I still have some issues to sort out but I'm not even going to try tackling those til I'm well medicated and able to talk about hurt without falling into a blubbering mess of tears and mumbles. How are you doing, by the way? I hope you're taking care and finding lots of restful moments. ((((HUGS))))
Mac- I did and have been talking to T. After getting sick, I guess I just needed to push aside the hurt from what she said last week and allow her to help me this week. ((((HUGS))))
Agent- Thank you. You're in my thoughts as well. Thanks for the support, I know things are hard for you too.((((HUGS))))
STRM- Thanks dear, How are things with you? Thanks for the hugs. I'm wondering how soon the meds will kink in. I have a tendency toward placebo effects where I think something is affecting me when it may not be. And this past session went well, though surfacey topics, nothing deep. Still I'm feeling like she is comforting again which I so need. ((((HUGS))))
AG- Thank you, I feel like I let myself fall into the pit I've been carefully avoiding. It has been good for me to look up and see a bunch of little strings from all my cafe friends dangling o help me get out. And I hated fighting with myself over whether to see my T or go to er. (glad to know I'm not so aloe in that too). Thanks you for all your thoughts. ((((HUGS))))
BB- Hi there, glad you came back and good to "see" you. The words came, and once I started letting them out, the pain started going too. It's amazing how that works sometimes as most times I would swear just talking does do a thing. Thank you for saying I'm not a monster. I feel so inadequate with who I am and how I am being perceived that I often feel like a monster that does not fit in with this society.
I feel a little bad making you all worry for me. I was really scared and hoping the test would be in my favor. Thanks for all your thoughts. ((((HUGS))))
Mlc- Your words did help. While I'm still shaky and not even sure if I'll break again this week, I am relieved to get through this past week. I know how you feel with the social anxiety. I have struggled for the past 3 years to be able to go out and mingle with new people without feeling like they're judging me, laughing at me, or just me feeling like I need to run home and hide under the forgiveness of my covers. Thank you for the hugs. ((((HUGS))))
Puppet- You are so sweet! It's you who inspires me with your sweetness, my dear friend. It doesn't hurt to hear that about your T, I will just have to keep working on mine and know I can tell her more of what I want from all you guys' examples. ((((HUGS))))
TN- I'm not sure if you're still here. I hope so. You've been so nice and supportive. I'm going to quote you
My one friend who knows all about me, is going through a very tough time with her family so I haven't been calling her much at all since my problems seem so little compared to hers.
I'm trying to live with how to handle the rest of my life knowing that every relationship I enter, T or otherwise, will be influenced by my past traumas and childhood. I'm trying to temper how much of that I expose to just one person as it seems even Ts can't handle all of it. I'm wondering if it were just me and my problems would it be ok, but since Ts have many many clients, if the pressure and tension builds up and then they break. So I'm trying to think that she's not overwhelmed by just me but with all of it in some way. Who knows how many people yelled at her that day. But I'm feeling like I'm making excuses for her because I don't want to admit her wrongdoings in my eyes. I am still shocked and terribly sorry for your Ts poor handling. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. You are sweet and caring. ((((HUGS))))
Preppie Girl- Hello. Thanks for your support. I too and glad to be back on meds which is a far cry from when I swore off them saying "I'm strong enough to handle it" NOT! Can I admit something to you though? I'm glad I went to the ER, but I'm a little sad that I missed my appointment and then the tests were ok. I know, I know, crazy, but I'm in honest sharing mode today. It's not that I wanted the tests to be bad, but I wish I couldn't known things would've still been fine even if I waited to go to the ER. Does that make any sense at all? Anyway, she did come through so that makes me have hope where it was once very shaky *sigh* How are things with you? ((((HUGS))))
Jill/Sis- How are you? I know things have been tough for you too. Are you chugging along ok? I filled the script and am definitely trying to take care of myself body, mind, and spirit. ((((HUGS))))
Dragonfly- Thanks dear, hope you're ok too. Thanks for forgiving my sleepy self I was hugely exhausted and starting writing an update then got distracted then woke up the next morning! Things are still feeling well with T (right at this moment) so I hope that continues. ((((HUGS))))
Smiley- Thank you for the support. I hope things are ok with you? And you are treating yourself well. ((((HUGS))))
Everyone - Thank you all. I hope it doesn't sound insincere or repetitive, cause let me tell you, I needed this support bad. I only hope I can be as supportive to each of you as you go through your own challenges. Please forgive my flakiness if I don't offer you my support when you are in need. Many of you are going through tough times right now too. I feel so selfish yet so relieved to have you. Thank you my friends, you are all in my heart.
If I think of last week as one of the more horrible weeks, then that means this week HAS to be much better yes?
Yes?
So I'm going to try to pull it together this week. Get this move done, car inspected, chest pains under control, let the prozac sink in, get the assignments submitted for school, clean the house, remember my friends b-day, go to all my appointments this week, get some major work done at work, pay my overdue bills, take cat to vet, find some time to go to exercise class and meditation class. If I can do this in one week, then things will get lighter, I hope.
So I'm off! Going to tackle this list.
I'm trying to be ok now. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....Chugga chugga chugga...
PeaceQuest- Good to "meet" you. I'm sorry to hear you're spiraling at the moment too. I hope things get turned around soon for you. I'm thinking it must be the season. I am seeing a T and P now. I'm trying to keep things focused on what's happening rather than my emotions with my T so I can not fall apart in sessions. And the P is new, I'm back on meds and hoping that will help. Are you with a T/P? I've also been trying to use music to get out of the darkness (though it doesn't Always help). Currently listening to Wasted by Carrie Underwood and Every Day by Rascal Flatts. Keep posting and keep me updated with how things are for you ok. ((((HUGS))))
Kashley- Thank you for helping me realize I'm never really alone. These thoughts sort of triggered themselves as I was planning all I had to do around the house Sunday and I stopped for one minute to rest and down came the tears. I guess part of it was feeling so overwhelmed with everything I had to do and having no one that I could share the responsibility with made me overcome with loneliness. ((((HUGS))))
Starfish- Thanks sweetie. I think T and I still have some issues to sort out but I'm not even going to try tackling those til I'm well medicated and able to talk about hurt without falling into a blubbering mess of tears and mumbles. How are you doing, by the way? I hope you're taking care and finding lots of restful moments. ((((HUGS))))
Mac- I did and have been talking to T. After getting sick, I guess I just needed to push aside the hurt from what she said last week and allow her to help me this week. ((((HUGS))))
Agent- Thank you. You're in my thoughts as well. Thanks for the support, I know things are hard for you too.((((HUGS))))
STRM- Thanks dear, How are things with you? Thanks for the hugs. I'm wondering how soon the meds will kink in. I have a tendency toward placebo effects where I think something is affecting me when it may not be. And this past session went well, though surfacey topics, nothing deep. Still I'm feeling like she is comforting again which I so need. ((((HUGS))))
AG- Thank you, I feel like I let myself fall into the pit I've been carefully avoiding. It has been good for me to look up and see a bunch of little strings from all my cafe friends dangling o help me get out. And I hated fighting with myself over whether to see my T or go to er. (glad to know I'm not so aloe in that too). Thanks you for all your thoughts. ((((HUGS))))
BB- Hi there, glad you came back and good to "see" you. The words came, and once I started letting them out, the pain started going too. It's amazing how that works sometimes as most times I would swear just talking does do a thing. Thank you for saying I'm not a monster. I feel so inadequate with who I am and how I am being perceived that I often feel like a monster that does not fit in with this society.
I feel a little bad making you all worry for me. I was really scared and hoping the test would be in my favor. Thanks for all your thoughts. ((((HUGS))))
Mlc- Your words did help. While I'm still shaky and not even sure if I'll break again this week, I am relieved to get through this past week. I know how you feel with the social anxiety. I have struggled for the past 3 years to be able to go out and mingle with new people without feeling like they're judging me, laughing at me, or just me feeling like I need to run home and hide under the forgiveness of my covers. Thank you for the hugs. ((((HUGS))))
Puppet- You are so sweet! It's you who inspires me with your sweetness, my dear friend. It doesn't hurt to hear that about your T, I will just have to keep working on mine and know I can tell her more of what I want from all you guys' examples. ((((HUGS))))
TN- I'm not sure if you're still here. I hope so. You've been so nice and supportive. I'm going to quote you
We're here for you too so I do hope I see you again.quote:you have this huge community here to listen to you and support you
My one friend who knows all about me, is going through a very tough time with her family so I haven't been calling her much at all since my problems seem so little compared to hers.
I'm trying to live with how to handle the rest of my life knowing that every relationship I enter, T or otherwise, will be influenced by my past traumas and childhood. I'm trying to temper how much of that I expose to just one person as it seems even Ts can't handle all of it. I'm wondering if it were just me and my problems would it be ok, but since Ts have many many clients, if the pressure and tension builds up and then they break. So I'm trying to think that she's not overwhelmed by just me but with all of it in some way. Who knows how many people yelled at her that day. But I'm feeling like I'm making excuses for her because I don't want to admit her wrongdoings in my eyes. I am still shocked and terribly sorry for your Ts poor handling. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. You are sweet and caring. ((((HUGS))))
Preppie Girl- Hello. Thanks for your support. I too and glad to be back on meds which is a far cry from when I swore off them saying "I'm strong enough to handle it" NOT! Can I admit something to you though? I'm glad I went to the ER, but I'm a little sad that I missed my appointment and then the tests were ok. I know, I know, crazy, but I'm in honest sharing mode today. It's not that I wanted the tests to be bad, but I wish I couldn't known things would've still been fine even if I waited to go to the ER. Does that make any sense at all? Anyway, she did come through so that makes me have hope where it was once very shaky *sigh* How are things with you? ((((HUGS))))
Jill/Sis- How are you? I know things have been tough for you too. Are you chugging along ok? I filled the script and am definitely trying to take care of myself body, mind, and spirit. ((((HUGS))))
Dragonfly- Thanks dear, hope you're ok too. Thanks for forgiving my sleepy self
I was hugely exhausted and starting writing an update then got distracted then woke up the next morning! Things are still feeling well with T (right at this moment) so I hope that continues. ((((HUGS))))Smiley- Thank you for the support. I hope things are ok with you? And you are treating yourself well. ((((HUGS))))
Everyone - Thank you all. I hope it doesn't sound insincere or repetitive, cause let me tell you, I needed this support bad. I only hope I can be as supportive to each of you as you go through your own challenges. Please forgive my flakiness if I don't offer you my support when you are in need. Many of you are going through tough times right now too. I feel so selfish yet so relieved to have you. Thank you my friends, you are all in my heart.
If I think of last week as one of the more horrible weeks, then that means this week HAS to be much better yes?
Yes?
So I'm going to try to pull it together this week. Get this move done, car inspected, chest pains under control, let the prozac sink in, get the assignments submitted for school, clean the house, remember my friends b-day, go to all my appointments this week, get some major work done at work, pay my overdue bills, take cat to vet, find some time to go to exercise class and meditation class. If I can do this in one week, then things will get lighter, I hope.
So I'm off! Going to tackle this list.
forlorn, kinda swirling in my own pile of muck, but you have inspired me. so glad you got the script, and have such a great attitude!! go girl!! jill
Forlorn,
I'm glad that you seem to be coping and have plans to stay busy this next week. It sounds like you have a full schedule for sure!! Be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
I'm glad that you seem to be coping and have plans to stay busy this next week. It sounds like you have a full schedule for sure!! Be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
You're awesome, Forlorn. Really.
Sending you lots of wishes for a great week. Let us know how you're doing. (((((Forlorn)))))
agent
Sending you lots of wishes for a great week. Let us know how you're doing. (((((Forlorn)))))
agent
((Forlorn)) Wishing you well!
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