This is hard, Liese. One of the most relieving things my T ever told me is that everyone does this to varying degrees and that it is completely normal, and doesn't mean you aren't feeling what you are feeling. I find it a very painful place. I don't like to be able to see what I am up to, it puts me into a very bad place. I wish I could just feel and react in a good way, spontaneously, without seeing it from an outsider's perspective and analyzing it. But I can't. I also find it difficult that I can see harmful things I am doing, and can't seem to stop the behavior although I can objectively analyze and understand it.
I hope you have more success with this than I have had. But yes, it's normal. You are not alone.

Hugs,

BB

Our behaviors are very revealing about what is going on inside for us. Sometimes when we can't figure out how we are feeling about something, if we study our behaviors, we can get to the bottom of things.

Most of the time, I have the opposite problem and know EXACTLY what's going on and it makes me hate myself. It's maddening. And then when I don't understand what's going on with me (like last night's session with T), I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Oh, if it's like what Monte is saying, then YES, that happens all the time. I think I misunderstood!