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7 replies

Starting to realize...

dontgiveuponmedontgiveuponmeMember
Im starting to realize...how lonely surviving child abuse is.
I still dont feel like it really happened to me...and its just a sad story that happened to someone else.
but all I can feel is confusion.
I cant think.
this place where truly no one will save you....no one will keep you safe..

eventually,
you will always have to go home. I dont care what people say about "it gets better with time" or what other cliche thing people say.

What happened to me ...Im starting to remember more and more, and it seems impossible.
its just so evil. I just cant fathom it happening to somebody.
how can my own mother and father, play such an evil role and go into the world and know how to act normally?
why cant I be normal now?
they made my mind so confused and implanted a voice inside my head, that wont let me talk about it...tells me it didnt happen..that Im a liar, that im an attention seeker....that im a little unappreciative b***** that likes making up stories....

that soon enough whoever helps me will give up too.

I think its so difficult, being an invisible orphan..everybody thinks you have parents...but they have no idea what you really have.


and then your the dirt of society because you cant function properly....and they try to throw you into mental hospitals...next to people that scream...
just to feel trapped again..
never to have a real family with real love...but just sterile rooms with group sessions with people who are angry and cant control themselves either.

even those in the "helping profession" make me wish I was dead. stop giving me pills and trying to stuff me into some psych ward...
why wont you listen to me....and stop being afraid of me.
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S sunsheenMember
Oh dear (((DontGiveUpOnMe))). Many hugs.

So much pain. Frowner I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult go of it, such a difficult past. Whatever your parents did to you says everything about them and nothing about you. I know it's hard for the mind and heart to accept that, but it's true nonetheless.

For some it helps to know that you're not alone and to that end I understand all too well what you speak of. Chaos, abuse, and trauma riddled throughout childhood - hidden behind an appearance of a loving family. Demands made to lie about it, to stuff it and hide. Insinuations and blatant statements that no one will ever care about us 'like they do.' Mine often told me...go, go ahead, leave, see who will love you, such a bratty worthless mess of an asshole kid, go. Many, many times in terms much worse then that usually. Many many times they pushed me out the door and locked it behind only to come running later and accuse me of not loving them.

I also know what it means to - in some way - have the world confirm that they were right. Everyone comes and goes. People try their best but have their life and give up on helping me navigate mine. I know that's natural; I don't fault them for it. I also know that fact makes it pretty much damn near impossible to heal.

Nonetheless, I do have faith that at the right time, in the right place, when the planets are aligned perfectly and the universe pauses for just one second to give us our due - things will be ok and we'll know better then most just how sacred safety and peace is. More importantly, we'll protect that safety and peace with the intensity taught in principle but not copied in form.

Go gently. I wish you well and will pray you find a soft space to land soon.

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