Thanks for the input from both of you. Honestly, if I could just be able to sleep and eat normally, I think things would improve at least 50%. But, anxiety keeps me from sleeping and depression keeps me from eating and then the exhaustion from not doing those things keeps me from exercising or being engaged with other people...

After watching my mom with all of her meds for depression, mania, anxiety, mood, etc, I was very much opposed to meds for a very long time. Especially seeing kids being put on ADHD meds way too often.

However, someone pointed out to me that medicine does something for your body and brain. It's like people who wear glasses - their eyes need a little extra support in order to function optimally. People with diabetes need insulin to function optimally. With depression/anxiety/ADHD, there is a chemical imbalance of sorts in our brain, and one way to help restore optimal function is with meds that balance the chemicals.

So does that mean if you need to wear glasses (like me) there is something wrong with you? Nope. When I was first diagnosed with adult ADHD, I spent a year on meds. Best thing in the world, as I, for the first time in my life (as a college student) knew what it felt like to be able to focus. Meds CAN work.

Whether or not meds WORK for you is one thing, the stigma of taking them should not play into that at all (which, thankfully, I'm over.)

I saw my PsychDr last night, and was put on a very small dose of Seroquel to help with my anxiety and sleeplessness. I was also put on something else (don't remember the name) for my depression. He thinks (and both my T and I agree) that it will help lift me out of this funk and help my therapy experience move along.

quote:

But, anxiety keeps me from sleeping and depression keeps me from eating and then the exhaustion from not doing those things keeps me from exercising or being engaged with other people...

This is why I agreed to try meds again. I didn't have the greatest luck with AD meds in the past, but I'm game to try again, cause I don't think I can feel any worse than I've been feeling these past few months.

Thanks for your input, R2G and BG. I'm not sure what I'll do. Sometimes I feel like I am managing, but I have too many days like yesterday where it feels I am losing my mind, especially when I have been struggling to sleep for several days. H worries that meds might increase suicidal thoughts or that I'll become dependent. My family is anti-meds in general. Both of my older sisters even did completely natural labors with 9-10 lb babies. I can't diagnose, but even my T said my opinion that my mom might be bipolar (based on my description of her behavior) is highly likely, and she has refused to ever get any diagnosis or meds. Instead, she sees "psychic counselors" who somehow always predict that she is right and everyone else is wrong and justify the choices she wants to make. So, I know there will be a lot of judgment (most likely behind my back that I will hear whispers about like they do about my texting with T) if I go that route, but hopefully I will be "up for" dealing with that. I am not really close with my family in a way that I allow them to really "know" me or have much say in my life, but we all live close together and it's impossible to not be in each other's lives. I guess my only other worries are becoming a completely different person or crashing when I have to go off of them.

Hey Yaku,

Have been on anti-depressants on and off. They definitely do not change your personality. They do take the edge off. They do have side effects. What about something like Xanax. You can take those when you need them.

Thanks, UV. It's really difficult for me to be considering it, because it would really be going against H's opinion. He says I don't have to do what he says, but he also knows I instinctively can't defy him and has expressed himself very strongly against it on several occasions, so it will take a lot of work for me to make that choice. Also, it would be easier if T could refer me to someone, but because my insurance won't cover him, I will have to talk to my GP about it and I don't really want to. It's not that I don't trust her or anything, but I like to talk to as few people as possible (at least in person).

I think you need to do what is best for you and not what is best for what H thinks.

Yeah, I just don't have confidence in my own judgment (ever, but especially now). And T won't say yay or nay, just that it's an option. And I know if I said, "If you were me, would you go on meds?" you all would probably say it's a very personal decision that I need to make myself. But I feel so lost, because I can't "see" the potential outcomes of either choice very clearly.

No, H's parents used drugs and alcohol to self-medicate. His dad abused his mom when drunk. His mom went through years of "needing" marijuana (and using other stuff) to make it through the stress of raising three kids with a deadbeat dad who never paid a cent of child support after she left him. She is a very loving person, but wasn't always able to be there for her kids (H's twin sisters lived with their aunt from junior high on). We both have very similar backgrounds in terms of instability, but in his case, his parents were messed up, but not irrational and questionably sane. He has no attachment issues, had lots of affection from both parents, as messed up as they were. So, his struggles are very different and refusing any dependence on substances is one of the manifestations.

H is very anti-med/drug of any kind. I actually kind of am too, but I see this as a different case, because I think I may be safer on than off. I get concerned about these bad days where I am wanting to see if I really intend to follow through on my urges. They aren't all the time, but they've happened enough times since starting therapy that I'm just wanting to be sure I'm not going to mess up my kid. I don't THINK anything will happen, but I can't say it is "0% chance" like I told T when we were only two or three months into therapy. Ugh, this is such a hard topic for me.

My Ts have tried to get me to go on meds but I am very against them for myself. I spent most of my 20s doped up on various anti-depressants that did not help me. They just made me feel foggy and flattened my personality.

HOWEVER, it is important for me to emphasize that this was just my experience and I know a few people who have had a completely different experience with Meds. They have been a lifesaver for many people.

Everyone is different in how they will respond to meds. I think if you do go on them, it is important that you are seeing a therapist regularly to monitor the effectiveness of them.

If you find they aren't helping, I think it is a good idea for you to decide ahead of time if you are willing to try another medication or if you would like to stop taking meds altogether.

Some questions to explore before starting meds:
1. How long am I willing to give the meds to start working before I stop taking them?
2. Am I open to trying other meds if the first one doesn't work? and if so, how many different meds am I willing to try before I decide meds are not for me?
3. What sort of "side effects" am I willing to tolerate if the meds help me with my depression/compulsive behavior? (i.e., are you willing to give up your sex drive if it helps you in other areas? What about weight gain or weight loss? Hair loss? Sleep loss? )
4. How much money out of pocket can I afford to spend on these meds?
5. How will I know if they are working? In other words, what sort of changes in mood or behavior will indicate to me that the meds are working? What are my expectations for these meds? Do my expectations match up with what my doctor says they can deliver?

LG - Thanks, this was a really helpful way of looking at it.

1. If they don't make things much worse, I would give them a few months. If things get very bad, I don't know if I could be patient at all.
2. I would probably be willing to try three times or maybe six months worth of trying.
3. With my H's condition and struggles, it doesn't matter if I have drive. Even now, struggling with my weird intimacy flashback type stuff and not wanting to, we still do. I know that is probably not healthy to be putting myself through that, but even if I tell him I'm not up for it, his condition ends up waking us up and we are engaged before I know it. Hair loss - definitely no, I have very fine/thin curly hair as it is. Weight gain - mild, but not a lot. It's one of the reasons I got off birth control. I'm still a bit overweight, but lighter than I have been since the year we got married.
4. Maybe $100 a month.
5. For anxiety meds, that I won't be crippled to the point of not being able to accomplish tasks. For AD, ideally, just decrease the intensity of my freakouts, make things a little more steady. It would be nice if I didn't have these periods where I feel like I'm turning into a completely different person and have no control either. I need to work more on this question, I guess.