It's scary to say but I think I could get used to staying here more & more. That I'd like to stay feels even more of a betrayel. I don't need to think about the monotonous mom stuff & I've been told my kids "have never been better."
Few of us here have a chance to leave. Some are here for 3-5 yrs or longer. A small fraction of us are here for under a yr. so it's the same faces, same clothes, same voices, same fights, same problems. Some I know better than others & there's some that give TMI while sitting next to them for an activity or something. Stuff is blurted out w/ no filters; hurtful things even. Some lead to fights. There's a lot of fights but there's a lot of guys too. My old roomie is beautiful & guys fall over her to get her attention. Whoever thought it was a good idea to put women & men together must not have thought of hormones.

Theres 4 young men that have banded together & call themselves the rowdy boys. That they are, w/ their cat calls, comments & sexual jokes. They love to get that rise out of someone.
Then I look @ the staff. They look so worn out & tired as if to say its not important unless your bleeding. They seem to do the bare minimum physically, like even walk the halls. There's areas that are off camera blind spots that we all kno about & easily missed. They always have too much paper pushing to do & computer work. To get one pill takes about 6-7 pieces of paper & 3 binders. If it frustrates me I'm sure it does them. They never seem available. If you pest them, like I used to do, they get behind schedule & some patients are extremely rigid in their schedules. It can cause a meltdown for them. Kind of like a domino effect.
I have befriended a "rowdy boy" who was curious @ all the time I spend in the art T room. It's my usual go to place & I often have several projects going. Very few use the room. He came in last wk wanting to make something for his GF he was going to see for his 1st visit. He's only 18 but tries to act much older. I was making hair ties & bows etc for my girls so he made one too.

So for an hr I wasn't thinking & it was so nice. It's easy to go into comatose mode & just follow along. Line up for this then for that then this group then ur own session w/ pd or T; it's the same everyday & very sterile. In a way it's nice, reliable, comfortable & then sometimes I miss "color" in my life. But the longer I'm here the more I feel like I belong here. I like vanilla. I couldn't hurt people if i was kept here. I couldn't touch that world on the outside & usually when I do I eff it up so staying here would benefit others.
I've asked & surprisingly received a 24 hr pass for Saturday. Problem is I'm not sure I wanto use it or have anywhere to go. I don't have family around & I don't have my car; not that I could just sign myself out. Pd has to sign off on everything. He said he's glad I asked for one..."shows initiative." That would b great if I knew where I was going. It's easier just to stay here.
Mud