I feel like I've been posting a lot lately and I'm sorry if its over the same stuff. I just can't seem to shake these feelings...

I've been feeling so distant from T after I got back from a month long holiday break in mid January. Some of you know of the email fiasco that went down between us (for those who don't its too long to explain here but basically I sent T an angry email that she was never supposed to see, I only wrote it for my own venting purposes) so maybe that has something to do with it. She assured me though that all was well and that she's seen and heard it all and that I had nothing to be sorry for. I guess I'm still carrying that guilt around even though it goes away everytime I see her. The break was so emotionally stressful and I feel like all the strides I made last semester and the and the wall I broke between me and T all went down the drain. I'm pretty sure she knows that things between us are different cos she basically has to lead the sessions instead of me being open about everything. She pretty much has to force me to talk! I hold back on everything and when she asks me how I'm doing and how my classes are going, I lie. I say I'm fine when obviously, I'm not. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate in my classes, I can't focus when I'm trying to study or do homework, any little noise makes me jump out of my skin, I'm irritable for no reason, and I'm getting all these flashbacks of scenes from my past that I hardly have any recollection of. I had a panic attack yesterday and I hadn't one since I was 15 which was 5 years ago. I feel like I'm falling apart.

I'm at this push pull factor with myself and with T. I try and push away all these emotions and flashbacks but now matter what they seem to creep up on me and its getting more frequent. It doesn't happen everyday, but when it does it's like I'm in dreammode all day long. I want to tell T these things, but everytime she asks how I'm doing, I freeze. I know she knows I'm not right but she can't help if I do't tell her whats going on. I hate needing her so much. I feel like I annoy her even though it's probably not true at all. I still do trust her, but i just don't want to seem like I'm not getting better.

It also doesn't help that I feel like I have no support from my family back home. I tried talking to my mom the other day about possibly looking for a T when I go home for the summer and her reaction really hurt me. All I wanted was for her to tell me that if I feel if thats what I need to do, then she would be supportive. But, I did not get that. She basically told me that she knew how I felt and that I wasn't going to need it when I got home and the only reason I've been feeling the way I'm feeling is becauase I'm being negative. And she also turned it around and it made it about her and hwo she needed to worry about my brother which had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation. I guess her reaction wasn't totally surprising, but it still hurt and made me realize why I had such a hard time when I was at home. It made me think and realize that maybe my mom has some sort of secret jealousy or resentment towards T cos I can talk to her about my stuff but not my mom.

I know T should know all of this, but it's so hard to open up again. I finally want to be able to open with her on my next session but I don't even know where to start or how to bring up everything. The wait for our next meeting doesn't add any relief to the anxiety.

Again sorry if I've been posting about the same stuff. It's just all too much to carry inside right now. If you made it this far (I'm exactly sure how long this post is) thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm glad I found this online community. Y'all have helped a lot and I'm glad to put in an encouraging word in too.

Anyone know of anyone that has a time machine or know of any secret underground scientifical societies that clone Ts?