I am afraid that I was advised by my psychologist to not visit this site whilst I was going through such a difficult time. Before anyone reacts to that, it was just upsetting me even glancing at the last post/thread I had posted and I found I could not read your posts and then people were sending me very abusive personal messages getting angry that I wasn't replying to public posts and then in the end somebody noticed through my blog the hell I was going through but still people posted terrible things to me privately and on my blog. I have never been cyber bullied before and I am very glad that I had a good husband and a good psychologist to support me through the aftermath.

It was awful. I am afraid I am still keeping away from this site mostly, which is sad for me as found it very insightful sometimes but my last discussion thread was such a melt down and made things so much worse, that maybe you can understand why I just had to listen to my P and keep away.

In that discussion thread in June, I was truly talking about
1. my last therapist who was a man who sexually abused me,
2. then the counsellor who terminated with me when I hit the child abuse stuff,
3.then the friend I have who is a counsellor and so out of touch with her own stuff AND she is now training as a supervisor, ye gods.
So yes, I was processing my own feelings about all three of them and the very many bad therapists out there. I am so fed up with bad therapists!! I think most of us feel the same. The bad ones can damage one so much. But thank god there are a few good ones around.
I certainly was not saying anything about you lot, I honestly presumed we were clients on here, with some of us very interested in psychology.

Anyway, before anyone starts sending me angry private messages again, I am still in a very vulnerable patch, but I made a mental note to write a post when I could - so four months later here we are. Here I am nervously trying to explain.

You wouldn't believe the life events that were happening last june. My son went for serious surgery that went wrong, arghh, that had me weeping at his bed as they tried in vain to medicate his extreme pain, then my father in law is in the same ward as a nurse who has killed three patients here and we are struggling with the increased security around him and the fact that he is painfully dying, and that they fear she has also infected his saline bag.plus I got a massive load of abusive posts on my blog (which is now private and can only be accessed by permission). Actually I don't write much on it anymore, I just learnt that people can be vicious, my psychologist reminded me that some people think being vicious or nasty might make them feel better. And they did not think before they wrote. So I deleted all of them and closed my blog. I kept being hopeful that none of them came from this site.

It taught me a good lesson in being more cautious on these kind of anonymous forums and in my blog and I am sure most of us have had to learn that one way or another. I also had not experienced that people when they are anonymous seem to feel they can be outright nasty or cruel when I don't think they would do that in person. Boy, was it a painful lesson to learn.

So I am still working with my psychologist and he is supportive and caring and just on Friday he said that he finds me 'astonishingly courageous' and that he cannot help but admire me, which is so utterly sweet of him. I think he said those things because I have at last started to tell him what the boy did to me when I was eight and then what happened to me when I was then left with the confused sexual feelings after the abuse. So we are in the difficult territory of talking about my sexual feelings and all the embarrassment of that. But I am doing well with it, being honest and frank and yes, excruciatingly embarrassed, mortified and ashamed at time too but he is safe to talk to and it is such a relief to be talking about these deeply painful issues.

It is definitely progress.

And the sweet psychologist just keeps being sweet, steady and unshockable and caring. Bless him.

this time of year is the anniversary of the multiple rapes when I was held captive in India, so normally it is a time when I am very raw and easily triggered and also have few barriers up so any emotional stuff tends to just be blurted out in therapy, - which has its good points because I think that is why I am able at long last to tell him stuff about the childhood abuse that I was unable to tell anyone before. So in a way I am beginning to see this awful time of year as a fruitful time of growth and possibility.

so that is where I am. I have thought about you and I have posted the occasional private message of support to one or two of you sporadically and I did gingerly flick through the last thread - just now - very gingerly - and I did see that many people were aware that they were triggered and that it stirred them up and realized eventually it was not about them. So thank you for your work on progressing through it and I apologise for not being in any fit state to come and post here at all for four months.