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6 replies

stressing about today's appt

holdingonholdingonMember
OK. So I have an appt with P in about 5 hours and am very nervous about it. I have a regular appt with him every other week on Wednesdays, my day off. Occassionally I will go two weeks in a row if I feel like I need an extra appt.
Last Tues (my "off" week), I called him and left him a voice mail requesting an appt for the next day. I am embarrassed to say that the only reason I called for the appt was because I was missing him and wanted some contact with him. He called back and left me a message saying that he did not have any openings at all on Wed. or Thurs. If I needed to call back that I should.
I didn't call back, but was happy that he had left a message because then I could save it on my phone and listen to his voice whenever I wanted to. I am mortified to admit this but I know all of you would understand my feelings.
The problem with today's appt is that I really am in a pretty good space except for worrying about what I am going to tell him was the reason for the appt request last week.
I have done this in the past and confess I have been able to come up with something to talk about. I am at a total blank today.
If I tell him the truth about the reason for the appt request, I'm afraid he will realize I am too dependent. He told me before that my dependence on him is not a problem as long as I am not replacing other relationships with my dependence on him. I'm not sure I'm explaining that right.
I can't bear the thought of him realizing how much I do depend on him and think of him outside of the therapy room. Sometimes I really think that I don't need any more, or at least less frequent therapy sessions, except that it would be too painful to not see him as I do now. Sometimes it is too painful to go a full two weeks without contact.
HELP!!! What should I do? What should I say?
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ladygreyladygreyMember
I would tell him some version of the truth. That you were feeling disconnected and needed contact, but that when he called back and was there for you even though he didn't have an opening, you got what you needed. I know you are scared of letting him know you are attached to him, but I think for the best interest of making progress in therapy, you should talk to him about this. You don't have to tell him how intense the emotions were or how strong your attachment is to him, you can downplay it a little. My guess is that he probably already knows you are attached, but talking about it will probably make it seem as though its not that bad. (its the ones who can't talk about it that have the strongest dependency, don't you think?? at least that's been the case for me).
yakusokuyakusokuMember
Admitted my transference stuff to T yesterday and he seemed completely unphased by it, still his usual, caring self. I didn't really come out knowing what we are going to "do" with it like I wanted, but no negative reaction at all. I encourage you to share wanting to be there with him and how wanting to be there makes you feel about yourself or act. In my case, I know the way I judge/punish myself for that neediness is very telling of my core issues. I ended up drawing T a map in the minutes before session of how everything that happens in the therapy context seems to be connected to or filtered through the charge of transference...
holdingonholdingonMember
Lady Grey, Blanket Girl and Yakusoku,
Thank you so much for your insightful words of advice and support. Thank God for the iphone!! I was able to online during lunch before my appt and read yours posts. They helped so much.

I had my therapy appt this afternoon and my P is the best. No wonder I am so attached and dependent. He always comes through, steady as a rock, and like you, yakusoku, no rejection at all, no negative reaction.
I told him the truth about wanting the appt because I was missing him and wanted contact with him, not that I was having a crisis or anything. He said it was ok and that he knows that I am dependent on him. We talked about it for a while and I told him I was anxious about telling him the truth. I told him he would use the information to deny me extra appts since I was not in a crisis. He assured me that if I called in a month, 2 months, 6 months, etc. and asked for an extra appt and he had one available, he would offer it to me--no questions asked. I felt my anxiety meter drop to near zero. I could feel his caring for me so clearly.

You were all right. The truth in therapy is the way to go, even though it is scary sometimes.
I'm going to have a good night, just rewinding and reliving the therapy hour of today.
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