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15 replies

Stressing about tomorrow's appointment

smileysmileyMember
I am so stressing about my appointment tomorrow. My t is back from her vacation and sent me a text on Sunday. She said she had been thinking about me alot and had me scheduled for Weds. She hoped I was ok and apologized for all the chaos in her life that was causing us to miss our appointments. She said she would let me know tomorrow(Monday) what time to come on Weds. Ok - I don't know about you, but when I tell someone I will call or text at a certain time or day , I do it. Well, I haven't heard from her. I kbnow I probably will but it is really ticking me off. It once again makes me feel like she just isn't there kind of. Is it me? This isn't the only time she has done this. Are your t scattered?
On one hand I feel like a jerk complaining about it. Mostly because I am not a child and old enough to realize that she has a life and was probably busy and couldn't get to me yesterday. On the other hand, I am feeling tossed aside kind of. Like I guess because I am not actively suicidal at the moment and seem to be coping ok that it isn't that important for her to be on point with me.

I don't know, maybe I am being a jerk. I feel like I want to walk in there tomorrow and tell her off and say this is it I'm done with all this crap. I know I can't do it, 1 because it isn't me, and 2 because I know that if I do it, I will be actively suicidal. But I want to tell her that it hurt and that it is disappointing. I just don't have the brass to do it. I kind of feel like I need to be grateful that she even listens to me. I know I pay her but she could just say go away.

Crap Frowner I'm feeling really stupid!
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blackbirdblackbirdMember
Wow Smiley...I could have written every word of your post a few months ago. I'm in a different spot now, but it really struck me what you said about her not attending to your needs as consistently because you are not actively SU, and that it frustrates you, (and if you are like me, it might even tempt you to "get worse" just so she will meet your needs)which is her fault, not yours- so you want to leave, but then you know you would become SU again. Awful bind to be in. I really think you put that well, and I totally relate. I think you should tell her this- it's really really important. If she will just attend to your needs and meet her promises that she makes, her consistency could really, really help you. Inconsistency in meeting promises and in being available (you are not making unreasonable demands for her time) really wreaks a terrible havoc with people with issues like ours, I've noticed- for some reason, it really makes things worse. So you need to talk about it with her. I hope and pray that she will understand what you are getting at.

I think your T will be able to hear you if you talk about it with her. If not, then come here and let us know..we can support you if the convo isn't as successful as it needs to be.

(((((Smiley)))))) lovely to see you-

BB
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Smiley,

Wow, I can really relate to your post and how much struggle it causes. There are many posts on here from me about similar issues with my T in terms of me feeling like she didn't follow through or was not fully with it.

quote:
It once again makes me feel like she just isn't there kind of. Is it me? This isn't the only time she has done this. Are your t scattered?


This is the feeling that I get left with as well. She says she is there, but she isn't really because I can't (at times that this happens) count on her to follow through. Most of the time it isn't an issue, but when it is it is a big issue for me. Yes, my T is (at times) scattered especially near vacation times and as I found out painfully recently during her vacation (when she had promised contact) and often when she has a good deal of personal stuff going on (I know because she has told me) then she tends to be scattered and not really with it.

Our T's are human just like us and they get overwhelmed and forgetful. It's just hard to deal with on our end I think because they hold most of the power and we are dependent on them but not the reverse. It's a hard spot to be in.

Anyway, I don't think you are overreacting. I think she should be texting you soon with your time. In fact, I think making you wait this long when the session is supposed to be the next day is rude. Are you just supposed to suspend your life and have your entire schedule cleared waiting on her?

(((hugs)))
smileysmileyMember
tHANKS bb AND strm. I am going to try and talk to her about it tomorrow. I am so not good at trying to ask for or talk about stuff for me. I do understand that our t are human and that they get caught up like the rest of us. It just seems to me that leaving someone hanging stinks. Ok - I won't b*&&^ about it anymore.
ladygreyladygreyMember
(((((Smiley)))))

Just want to say that I can relate to what you wrote about your T's inconsistency and how her problems in her in her life are affecting your therapy. In fact,I actually found myself wondering if we have the same T!!! (seriously...recent death in family, vacation, having so much chaos in her life that she is constantly late for appointments or rescheduling). It feels awful to feel so unimportant...even if we know logically that our Ts have lives too and things are going to get in the way sometimes. Still,it hurts to be forgotten about, to not get a text when she says she is going to send one,etc. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this.

I hope you are able to go in there tomorrow and express some of the things about how you are feeling without it putting you in a place where you leave feeling a threat to yourself. What if you wrote down some of the things you are feeling and had her read them..that way you are able to express yourself without it escalating to you telling her off and leaving in a bad state?
smileysmileyMember
LadyGray and Draggers - thank you for your soothing words. I am not really angry anymore just kind of blah and hurt. I am going to try and tell her how I feel, but if I know her correctly, she does know already. Sometimes it's kind of like a psychic thing. Oh and Draggers, that feeling of what is she going to think of me after feeling, is a killer. So used to being cut down that having someone just be there is weird for me. I'm going to try if I can keep myself from freaking out all day. I won't be going until after 3pm EST so it's a long wait until then.
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
Smiley,

It's okay. I did the same thing the first day back after my T's vacation. There just wasn't a great time to bring up how I felt she had treated me over her vacation and broken a promise that she made and so by the time I said much at all or hinted it was the end of session so we had to leave it for the next time. Anyway, my point is that sometimes you need that first session back just to get comfortable again. I think it's hard to launch right into stuff like that when you've had a separation. Go easy on yourself. You can always bring it up next time. Smiler
smileysmileyMember
Thanks to all of you. I still feel dumb but that's ok. We talked a little about how I am feeling and I said I'm not happy. She asked me if I thought I was that bad. I said not bad but just not happy. She asked if I wished I could feel happier and I said yes. I just don't see it happening. I keep telling myself that I have no real reason to be unhappy. I have a pretty good life and I should be happy. I'm just not. I just feel down most of the time. I don't really care what happens. I don't find real joy in anything except for the exact moment but it doesn't last or add up to making you feel happy. I don't know. I don't understand it. I take meds and I know without them I would probably be in the hospital for numerous attacks on myself but what does it take to be happy? or just feel ok? Can I still put blame on my past? That's way over and done with and I know that it had it's repercussions but come on still? Sometimes I just want to die and be done with all of it. Does anyone understand that? Is it just me being stupid again? I feel like I keep slapping myself and saying come on get on with it, but nothing really changes.

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