Very early in therapy, I told him, " If my mother dies, I will make sure I do." Such was my emotional dependence on the Ma.

It took over a year for the protective officer to find me and inform me of my mothers demise. I held that piece of paper news in my hand, sat on the loo/dunny/toilet and shed a wee tear or two before setting off for work. At that time my estranged Ma had become a very distant memory; I had spent years in therapy trying (unsuccessfully) to understand where my mother was in her head. Never the less, my tears were for my mother knowing her life was far from easy.

Mother in my head today was gone before she died. All I had to do was rid myself of Ma in the head from my past. That challenge is proving to be my biggest now more so as a child than an adult me, I think.

I find myself saying what "we" are going to do next, what we will eat, drink, and, "Would you like sugar with that?" Brain has miraculously given me back memories of nursery rhymes , and lullabies I thought were long forgotten. I continue to sooth the child within, and include her in my today living. ( cries a little) I feel it is my duty now to love, and protect her, and continually reassure us that all will be well.