MTF hi

Good for you MTF getting that letter to T! It’s one thing having written out the things you know you feel and want, quite another to hand it over to the person about whom it is. I really hope she at least acknowledges getting the letter and gives you something positive about it to keep you going until your next session (which I also hope she will bring forward, a month is a LONG time.)

Just wanted to comment here a bit about writing letters to T - I’m doing this in the spirit of being helpful, giving you my experience so maybe you can benefit from that in making the most from having been so honest and upfront in your letter.

With my ex-T for a while I was writing masses of stuff which contained so much information about me and feelings and things that were really important to me to be heard and understood. He’d always read the stuff and comment on it - which was good, but then I realized that he’d tend to miss most of what I was trying to reveal and seemed to overlook the really important bits - he’d comment on one or two things that struck HIM as relevant and effectively dismiss the rest.

In the end this started to bother me because he had so much material in my letters to him to work with but from one session to the next it was as if the letter no longer mattered and he’d act as if it was all done and dusted. It never occurred to me to backtrack and pick up on things I’d said in the letters because at that time I rather blindly assumed he knew what he was doing and if he didn’t get what I was effectively screaming out in the letters then maybe it wasn’t relevant after all. I also blindly assumed that because he’d read the letters he now knew me better and more or less understood where I was coming from. Not so!

In retrospect I would have liked to have brought him back to the stuff I’d written about, time and time again, until it was all out in the open and either understood or dealt with. (But also in retrospect, I realize that he’d never have understood most of it anyway!)

So the point I’m trying to make here MTF is that even though to you what you’ve written in that letter is really clear and open and honest and you’re awaiting your T’s response to that honesty and clarity - just be aware that she may not actually get everything you’re trying to say - that if she responds in either a seemingly negative way or doesn’t seem to get the main points you are trying to convey to her - it may be down to her not looking for the meaning of what you’re saying rather than her actual response to what you think is really clear and straightforward.

I think what I’m trying to say (in my typical wordy and convoluted way) is to suggest that when you do speak with her about the letter, be aware that she may not have properly understood what you’re wanting from her, and therefore you hold onto the issues you’ve raised in it - really get her to focus on and talk about what you’re trying to get across to her by referring to what you’ve written.

On the other hand, maybe your T really will understand what you are saying in that letter, and this whole issue that’s been tormenting you for months now will be resolved. Now there’s a nice thought

Hugs to you MTF

LL

Lamplighter,

Thanks for raising a really important point. I hadn't thought about her not really getting my points as I intended for her to. I guess like with any communication, people can misunderstand unless you really are sure to drive it home to them and ask them to repeat back to you what they understand that you are communicating to them. This IS very important to me, as I'm at the end of my rope here and if she misses me this time (after discussing it all first of course) I may just be done with her. My life has been so messed up because these issues seem to take hold of me and consume my brain and all my energy and then nothing else seems to matter, and I just can't do that anymore. It's awful when therapy literally takes over your life and takes precedence over all else.

Thanks so much for sharing your own experience and for helping me to see this from a different angle, LL. I need to be more on my toes when and if she does call. I'm hoping she does, but not holding my breath. Thanks for the support and hugs! How are things for you, by the way? I don't keep up on the boards too well these days.

MTF

(((((((MTF))))))))
Nothing worse than the waiting!! Hang in there. You were incredibly brave to do this and it was the right thing to do, remember that no matter how it turns out. We'll be here.

AG

MTF

Well done for finally getting that letter out of your hands - brave move and I hope you felt us all behind you willing you on to post it!!

I agree with LL saying how letters can be misinterpreted. I have rarely sent letters for that reason, but I do e-mail. The letters that I sent we always then looked at together, excruciating yes, BUT stops that misunderstanding potential in its tracks. When I've written things to show in therapy, she will often get me to read them aloud, wants to hear my emphasis and intonation and it seems much more powerful that way. Sometimes though I just can't - so we stick with me handing it over, but I have to stay in the room....when I really just want to sit outside with a paper bag oon my head.

Oh wouldn't it be easier if we could just say these things???!!!!! I do hope that she does call MTF. Would it be helpful to have a few things already written down that you might want to say to her, in case your head decides suddenly to empty of any sensible conversation, as mine tends to when something is really important? Just a thought, but then you're probably far more together a person than me !

starfish

AG:

Thanks! I'm glad you think I did the right thing. I'm not so sure. Yesterday I was sick inside, feeling like I had made the biggest mistake by taking her the letter. In fact I sat outside the hospital last night (stupid, I know) just wishing she would call me. She was there in her office with the lights on for an hour after her last patient left at 8:00 p.m. I sat there until her lights went off at 9, then I too left and drove home. No phone call this morning, likely won't hear from her today during her lunch hour, and I've just grown more depressed. I'm starting to feel like she really doesn't care and that my fears are really not unfounded. I hate that my mind does this to me. I guess I just think that if she really cared she would have called me this morning to assure me that she does care and to try to get me in to see her sooner than the three weeks it will be before my scheduled session time arrives. It's going to be a long three weeks, and I already want to just cancel and quit therapy. This whole thing feels so awful it's making me sick.

I'm so grateful for all of you super supportive people here. This place has been such a blessing to me. Thank you for your support and encouragement, AG!!

MTF

Starfish,

No, I'm sure I'm not far more together a person than you! That is a good idea to have some things written down. I think it would be good for me to read her the letter when I see her, too. I'm going to have to go over it with her because I am sure that she didn't 'get' it when she read it like I want her to get it. It's so not the same to just read written words as it is to hear someones expression from their heart. I know I would just sit there and cry, that or be so frozen it would sound like a robot. I don't know. I freeze up with her lately and it's awful. I used to feel, but now I am locked up and feel numb. I don't know what's happened to me. I need her to understand that, too. That's part of the problem.

Thank you for you input and the idea about preparing something. That's a terrific idea. And I so appreciate the support!

MTF

Thanks MTF for your comments, trust is a big issue, i let my ex T in on my feelings and wrote to her about my feelings and pretty much got rejected. There was a 20 year gap between filling her in on this info, but she has not validated my feelings at all, she just pushed me away and left me to someone else to pick up the pieces. I guess that is all about her but it doesn't help me at all. That said the best thing i did was write my feelings down about her and send the letters,it stopped my head from going over it so much. I sure hope you get the response you need and want from your T and she is there for you, you just have to take that chance. Good Luck to you.

Hi Lamplighter,

Thanks for your comments, i have been thinking about that post. It has never been an issue to have a connection with my T until recently, i felt that i just needed to talk and have someone to listen which is exactly what happens, she sees my point of view with most things and does try to give me different ways of looking at things. It is so much easier to talk about anything because the emotional connection is not there. I could not talk to my ex T hardly at all yet the connection was strong. But as to the connection situation i wonder if it is something that is instilled in me from my ex T and that i want what i know i cannot have with this T. Because it is what i am used to am i just missing it. I do feel as though she is involved but i do not have that emotional connection and i think that is what i need. I have thought about looking for a new T, but i wonder if i will have a better connection with someone else or will the boundaries be the same with someone new.
Anyway i will talk to my T about it maybe not in as much detail but i will and see what she makes of what i have to say.
I hate my ex T for not being interested in my feelings and not taking on board the impact it has had on my life, for being retired and using that as an excuse too.
Eve

No response. Not going to get one either. She would have called by now if I was going to get one. She either calls in the morning or on her lunch hour, and both have passed. This hurts, and now I'm wishing I had listened to you Monte and waited to read her the damn letter myself in three weeks. Why can't I listen to wisdom when it speaks???? She's going to make me wait that long to talk about it anyway. @#$%&!!!

I'm starting to wonder about my T. I know it's my head right now, but I've been wondering about her for a while now. If she really cared I think she would have at least called me to see if she could get me in on a cancellation sooner than three weeks. I told her in my letter that I was feeling really disconnected right now and that the wait was going to continue that disconnection. I told her it was going to be hell to wait that long. Hello? Is that not plain as day, or did I need to actually say, "T, can you get me in sooner?" There's no way I'm going to call her and ask her that now!! I told her I feel that she doesn't understand me in the least and that I feel like she wants me to find another T. She told me on Friday that she doesn't, but there was a strange shift in her eyes/countenance, something weird I've never seen before, and I don't know if it's because I took her off guard with that, or if she was like, "Oh crap, she's found me out", or if she was hurt by it, but it was weird. She then regained her composure and told me that wasn't the case and made some excuse for her behavior that I don't remember, I think it was something about the issues with my husband and son lately. I don't know if I believe her. My trust level with her isn't very high right now. She's been acting different with me. I gave her a small gift a while back and a thank you card and I wonder if that has caused her alarm, like I want more from her than is normal or something. I don't know what has changed things. It's strange. And I wonder if she's being honest with me now...it feels like she's not. I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is me and how much of it is her, KWIM? My gut tells me something's wrong, but I just don't know what it is that is wrong. And can I get her to tell me, or is she just going to keep playing poker face? I think it's the latter.

I'm starting to feel like going in there in three weeks and just telling her to get her discharge papers ready because I'm done with her, I've had it. She isn't happy about my feelings for her (or rather, about hearing about them). Another thing I never told you guys about is that she told me about myself a few weeks ago on the phone and didn't even know she was telling me about myself (WTF? ). The event she was describing was about when I drove into her neighborhood a couple months ago and then turned around before I got very far in because I realized I didn't WANT to drive by her house, I didn't need to see her home, it really didn't matter and wouldn't help me feel any more connected to her--it's just a building, not her. I tried to tell her about that in my letter about the internet searching stuff a couple months ago and she didn't even remember it was me, and she doesn't even get why I (or anyone else) would want to drive by her house (she said "it's like anyone else's house, it's not a castle or anything"). That was the gist of what she was telling me on the phone that day. Made me feel like a misunderstood fool. She tells me stuff about her kids, like that's why I did the internet searching is because I care about knowing her kids or something. I feel like she doesn't understand my attachment issues at all. I feel like she has started to distance herself from me more. This could be the disconnect from the couples session and the fact that it's been awhile since the last individual session, but she didn't even TRY to connect with me, I didn't feel any effort on her part, and I know she could tell I was struggling by a comment she made. She used to move closer to me with her chair and talk more quietly in a different tone of voice, making an effort to engage with me. Nothing last time, and I was totally flat emotionally. It was awful.

I just feel so hurt right now that with the way things went, her not trying to pull anything out of me with my 3 pages I had brought (she has tried a bit harder in the past and it has worked), not even calling me to acknowledge my letter or to get me in sooner, I'm just angry at her and feeling like maybe she is ready to be done with me. And maybe I really should move on and see someone else. Someone with attachment experience, someone who won't shun me and my feelings, who will look at them as helpful information, or a positive tool to be used in my healing, or maybe even by some miracle accept them as real instead of just transference.

I'm sorry I'm venting so much here. I'm just so sad right now. I really had hoped that my T would be sensitive to my feelings and the things I shared with her in my letter and would have called me. I was sure she would have tried to get me in to an earlier session with her. How is she going to remember the letter in 3 weeks time? No doubt I'm going to have to read it to her anyway. I'm going to sit here and spin on it all in spite of the fact that I got it all out to her. Stupid head. The next three weeks really are going to be hell. And tomorrow is my birthday. This makes Christmas and my birthday now that have both been ruined by issues I've handed to my T that she has not helped me with when I've needed her to the most. I'm sure I'll remember my 36th birthday as a horrible one for the rest of my life, just like I'll never forget this past Christmas. Therapy sucks.

I'm done now. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.

MTF

OOOOOHHHHHH MTF. I am so sorry you are feeling this way (those words seem so empty - not even close to strong enough to express the empathy I am feeling for you)... It is so difficult when you get the nerve to do something difficult and then have to wait for the results - and your mind starts going in a million directions with all of the possibilities - all of them negative of course. And then you start to regret what you have done and beat yourself up about it on top of it all.

I agree that this experience might be a make or break it situation for you and your T and that is painful - there is no way around that. There is nothing easy about what you are doing and you are very brave for persevering. MTF, is it at all possible for you to see that her not responding does not make you a stupid head?? Her not responding yet is about her, and there are a million possible reasons for it. I think it is way too early conclude her reaction to your letter was negative. If it was loaded with stuff, as you described, it will probably take some time to go through it. Can you try to give her a little more time? The wait must feel excruciating - it must feel so out of your control. Try to let the pain of the unknown be enough - don't hit yourself on the head, too.

You did a very brave thing no matter what the outcome. And we are here whenever you want to vent about how much therapy, Christmas (I agree completely), and birthdays suck!!!

((((MTF)))) I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. I can feel the anguish in your post. Seablue and Monte already gave you some great feedback and touched on many things that I was thinking.

I know it seems like your T has chosen not to respond and is rejecting you and sadly that might be the case. However, it is possible that she has been crazy busy and perhaps hasn't read your letter yet. I know that sounds like a painful option as well, but it is possible that she has not yet had time to sit down and give it the attention she wants. It is also possible that she is trying to figure out the best way to respond.

I agree with Monte with the direct communication vs hinting as well. Sometimes I have said something in a letter to my T that I thought was glaringly obvious and had flashing lights around it, but for whatever reason she didn't pick up on it. It hurts, but I have come to the conclusion (and perhaps this is because she has indirectly forced me into it) that I have to flat out say I NEED and then whatever it is. So, even though I'm sure it would feel awful for you to ask, it might be worth calling her and saying that you need to see her sooner. Even if it ends up being as bad as you fear at least you will know sooner. If you don't want to risk her answering the phone, you could always try to call after hours and leave a message on her machine (assuming she doesn't have a service).

Please don't misunderstand. I feel enormous empathy for you right now and I understand how desperate the situation feels. I just hate to see you in such a spin when it might end up not being as bad as you fear.

Happy Birthday tomorrow!!! You deserve to have a special day and I hope that you can find some way to make that happen in the midst of all of this!

Thanks ladies. I appreciate you all trying to help me feel better. Unfortunately I still feel like crap, but I've just accepted that my T is most likely not going to call.

Monte & STRM: Thank you for sharing your input about being direct about my needs. I know I need to be more direct with her, and maybe she really figures I would ask if I needed or wanted to come in sooner than my scheduled appointment, as I have asked before. I might call her office Monday and see if I can get in sooner. That means I have to leave her a message to call me back. I don't want to talk to her, and I certainly don't have the courage to call just yet. I'll give her a few more days, but I'm pretty sure she's not going to call me.

Some of what I said in my letter may have hurt her feelings a bit, but it had to be said. I've been holding stuff back for too long. I love my T, and yet I'm angry that she just doesn't 'get' me. She is so rarely attuned to me that I feel alone in that room with her, like there's no connection and it feels really empty sometimes, like the rest of my relationships. I wish she could just 'be there' with me like that last time I read her my letter, yet I'm scared to death of that happening again at the same time. That connection was so 'intimate' it was almost too much. Even her description of a spiritual connection was strange, but I feel like I missed out on that by dropping that letter off to her rather than reading it to her, although this letter had a much different feel to it. I don't know. I wonder what I'm looking for, what's missing. Things have changed a lot between us it seems, and I don't know what caused it, what to do about it, or if I'll ever get to the bottom of it or get it resolved. It makes me sad.

SB:

quote:

I agree that this experience might be a make or break it situation for you and your T and that is painful - there is no way around that. There is nothing easy about what you are doing

Amen about nothing being easy here. I wonder if she's going to tell me that she needs to send me to someone else because she really can't help me, or things are just too emotionally difficult between us now, or what. I wonder if there is countertransference going on here. Kashley mentioned that once and I sided with her. I don't know. This is just hard. Thanks for trying to pull my 'stupid head' out of the mud and for keeping me from hitting myself, too! Yeah, this is tough stuff and I don't wish this kind of stuff on even my worst enemy. It's hazardous to your emotional health! Thanks, SB!! I guess I am a bit brave, even if I'm also a bit crazy!!


Monte:

quote:

Don't immediately assume her lack of response is rejection. Perhaps your letter struck some deep chords and she is still processing and plans to get back.

Hmm. Maybe. I'd like to think that is the case, but I'm doubtful. I'm sure it struck some deep chords with her, as this letter was a bit deeper than the last one, although of course I didn't bawl my way through it so she didn't witness the emotional pain I am experiencing from her 'lack' as a therapist this time around. Sort of wish I had waited to read it for several reasons.

quote:

Yes, her comment about why someone would want to drive by her house would indicate she doesn't 'get' the attachment agony.

I really was disturbed by that. I let her know it in the letter, too. I think she has no real understanding of attachment theory. She says she knows attachment and dependency are important in therapy (which is laughable considering how she initially treated my attachment to her), but now I see that she really doesn't understand true disorganized or unresolved attachment issues. Makes it a bit hard for her to really help me unless she educates herself, I think.

quote:

Maybe your letter has explained this pain with a clarity she has yet to receive from you...another reason for her delay in response. Try and find positives/possiblities MTF. Ooooh....I heard that...I heard you tell me where to shove my positives/possiblities. I do understand the 'make or break' nature of your current letter.

I really hope she gets my pain this time. I don't know how else to lay it out for her. And no Monte, I did NOT tell you where to shove your positives/possibilities! I know you understand the seriousness of my situation. You are one of the few that does. I'm so grateful for my forum friends!

quote:

When I have been angry at my T for such reasons, I too have felt certain he was trying to get rid of me, was sick of me and my crap, groaned loudly on the mornings when he's look at his diary and saw I was on the agenda for the day etc. And sometimes I would just quit. But it was all me. Looking at it all through shitty-coloured glasses, because his attitude didn't change. He wanted to help. The only things hindering the process were my hyper-vigilance to (perceived) rejection. my pre-emptive strikes (reject him first) and my inability to accept that he was not able to read my mind....and yes, the sad reality that I was not his lifes top priority Not even in the top 10...or 20...or...no I'll stop there.

That last line made me cry. Why do we do that stuff to ourselves? I'm sure I'm doing all this to myself. I'm sure my T is going to want to kick my butt when she sees me. Because it's me that's causing all this because of those "shitty-coloured glasses" I'm looking through all the time. And yeah, wishing I was on my T's top 10 priorities list. Yeah, never in my wildest dreams. Gotta get over that one in a hurry...

I like the idea of the questions with multiple choice answers, just don't know what I'd ask my T. Of course that's likely because my head is swimming with questions as it is right now that are still unanswered. I'll think on it. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm glad it worked for you. What kinds of answers did you offer? Can you give an example of a question and the possible choices so I can see what you mean? I'm more of a visual person and don't come up with stuff like that on my own too well. An example would be really helpful if you don't mind.

quote:

Don't give up just yet...because things can change.

Thanks! I'm ready to give up, but know that I can't yet. It would be premature and foolish to give up now. Yes, things can change, and hopefully they will for the better. Crossing my fingers (and toes)! Thank you, Monte!!! And thanks for the birthday wishes.


STRM:

quote:

I know it seems like your T has chosen not to respond and is rejecting you and sadly that might be the case. However, it is possible that she has been crazy busy and perhaps hasn't read your letter yet. I know that sounds like a painful option as well, but it is possible that she has not yet had time to sit down and give it the attention she wants. It is also possible that she is trying to figure out the best way to respond.

Thanks for the encouraging possibilities you've thrown out there for me to consider. I appreciate it. It's true I don't know what her real reaction or reasons are for a lack of response and I shouldn't pass judgment or jump to conclusions. Thanks for your empathy and advice to ask for what I need. I think that is the best advice right now, as that's the only way to get things resolved as soon as possible. And thank you for the birthday wishes!


MTF

Oh, MTF, I am sorry I am late to this thread...it's been really hard to respond to everyone I want to, lately. But I really want to offer you some support right now, oh, MTF I was in the same almost exact pickle you are now experiencing, and it is HELL! the confusion the agony, the inability to figure out what is going on, or why on earth this person has the ability to either destroy or make your week with a few simple words one way or the other.
Yes and feeling like a child waiting for the love...and it never comes...until...MTF asks this person who has demonstrated her caring in the past, for a session asap which she clearly needs! I know, I know, who am I to tell you what to do...but, yes I think it is very important to do this, and I think it is even more importnat to then tell her ALL about what a huge struggle and overcoming of fear and huge confusion it took to ask for that one appointment. She needs to know what a struggle asking for such things is for you, MTF. I think your T probably DOESN'T get you. She really ISN'T understanding you as you need to be understood. And I get, that making yourslef very clear, all your needs, fears struggles is almost impossible to do when you are having such a difficult time talking in session, spacing out in fear, etc. Boy do I get it! And that even if you do that successfully, she may STILL not understand the enormity of what you accomplished and take it all in her stride, just another session...the bitterest pill of all! Oh it is huge what you are taking on here, huge, requires vast courage, yeah, I get it. I once asked my T if he wanted to "step outside" in a joke email, because he called me a dummie...(totally joking, appropriate joke under the circumstances since he's always telling me I'm intelligent, it didn't hurt) but it turned into an interesting thing for me, because he actually emailed back and said in effect, "sure." I then backed off with another email and said I changed my mind because he would squash me like a bug. I have NO IDEA if he understood what I was talking about, but it was this whole scenario right here, wondering if he understood what was going on for me, needing to tell him about it all, being so afraid to do it, facing my fears of rejection and so on...asking for what I need, ack...I was in the middle of this too. The confusion, agony, fear of rejection is almost unbearable to endure. But I eventually have become more and more honest *in session* about these things. The emails ended up causing more misunderstnading. I hope you will ask for what you need, the earlier session, and try hard, to tell her about it all as clearly as it is possible to do, I know, I know, I know...it is impossible, I get that, but I think you have to do the impossible here to move the therapy in the direction it needs to go...understanding and acceptance of YOU and your needs.

!@##$#@-ouch! ok, ok, I'm getting my feathery butt out now! (just teasing, MTF) Please take care of you, be gentle with yourself right now, it is a terrible thing you endure right now. Wish I could give you realtime hugs.

(((((((MTF)))))))

BB

Oh, I forgot to say, that dropping the letter off was really brave...sure it may have it's drawbacks to talking in person, but sometimes that is all we can do, anyways, and it has to be good enough. I think it's great you did it, and I hope so much the letter can help you open up with her in session. I didn't intend to imply that I think writing a letter was a bad idea, not at all! Very good idea, in fact!
hug,BB

Hi BB,

Thanks for taking the time to stop by and offer me your support. No, I don't want to kick your feathery butt! I actually appreciate your bluntness with me. I need that because that is usually what gets me doing something, ya know? It's so hard to put yourself out there and still not be understood, isn't it? I think that is something I really fear with my T. I've done it enough times now that I dread it because I feel like she's intentionally avoiding understanding me, like she doesn't want to 'get' me so she's purposely playing 'dumb'. It's so confusing. So sorry you've been in this same situation. Seems like a lot of us have! It awful. It's nice to feel understood by someone, BB, but sad for you too. Thank you for saying what you 'had' to say! It's much appreciated. Maybe I won't wait until Monday. Maybe I'll do myself a birthday favor and call her tomorrow. Maybe. Thanks for the hugs. I need all I can get!!

MTF

then here's some more!

(((((MTF))))))

(((((MTF)))))))

((((((MTF)))))))

Yeah, it's really hard to put yourself out there and still be misunderstood. I'm not sure, but I wonder if it just takes doing this over and over before T can begin to understand you. It took a whole year, of doing this agonizing and embarrassing thing over and over again, and now, finally, yes, my T understands, I can say it with some finality now, because things got better, and then better, and now I am at the point I actually trust thes person and can speak to him, yes, but not before a year of agony and fairly constant pestering of him against my own will.
Something finally clicked. It had to do with me feeling confused about scheduling sessions he said. I don't know why that would make him suddenly get me, but now I can say he does, and had told me that this will take time and that the therapy will need to take time, and helped me figure out how often I should see him and everything! So I say this only to show you that in my hopless situation things did turn around, and I am at peace now with the attachment to my T, and also much less obsessive about it than I used to be, too. Wouldn't you think that if they accepted your attachment to them, and started to be really really nice to you each session and help you, that it would make you obsess more about them, not less? Weirdly for me, his acceptance and understanding of me has made me less anxious and obsessed. I believe that this can happen for you, too, if you can find the courage within to push through and be so honest, again and yet again. But of course, I don't know that for sure...it IS a risk. A big one. I am so sorry for that. Please keep us informed, what is happening for you, MTF!

Hugs again, Happy birthday, MTF...yeah, give yourself a present, and give her a call to ask if you can come in, maybe...

BB

Hey MTF Happy Birthday - I hope that a lovely present in the form of your T calling you arrives today!

If not, I am inclined to agree with BB - you’re going through total agony now with the waiting and the not hearing and the beating yourself up for having given her that letter - somehow if you could find the strength and the courage to call her and ask for that earlier session that could be the best birthday present you could give yourself. If you leave it and she doesn’t get back to you, you’re going to end up in a very bad place - better to push for resolution now rather than have to go through the hell of waiting until your next session.

MTF I so hope it gets better for you, and VERY soon. (((( MTF ))))

LL

Happy Birthday MTF!!! I hope this lifts your spirits a little. By the way, you are very brave!

MTF

H appy Birthday to you MTF. I hope in amongst all the angst and indecision about what to do. you have a little time for you that's a tiny bit special today.

And I would also say ring - the worst that can happen is no reply or no meeting arranged, the best that can happen.....well that would be a really good present wouldn't it?

good luck ,whatever you do (((MTF)))

starfish

Happy Birthday, MTF. Whatever you decide to do, know that we'll still be here for you!

Happy Birthday MTF!!

I'm sorry you're T didn't respond, I know all the horrible crap that kicks up. I think giving yourself a birthday present and calling would be a good thing to do. And I still think you did the right thing, but I'm sorry its caused so much pain.

AG

Happy Birthday to YOU. Happy Birthday to YOU. Happy Birthday dear More Than Fine. Happy Birthday to YOU!!

I agree with the consensus about calling her. I think right now it all feels out of your control. Calling her might help you get some back, and will certainly stop the agonizing silence. Whatever you decide - you've got a parade of support behind you!!

Happy Happy Birthday!!

A very happy birthday to you, MTF! Big hug for you right where you are right now. I'm hoping this year ends up with you feeling more than fine in every way.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I woke up at 4 a.m. with the stomach flu. How's that for a happy birthday? I took everyone's advice and called my T's office and her secretary called me back and informed me that she is out of the office until Tuesday. Well, at least I have stopped spinning about why she hasn't called me (sort of). It gives me some time to think about what to say when she calls back. I'm sure by Tuesday I'll have some good questions for her.

Monte, thanks for example question and answers. It gave me a great idea of what I can do myself. I've got loads of stuff I'd like to ask my T, and lots of choices as possibilities for her to pick from. Great idea for those of us who struggle to verbalize our pressing issues!

One thing that has suddenly stood out to me about all of this is that things got really different after I read my T that first letter and she teared up on me. She changed her M.O. with me big time. She went from being from the camp that doesn't want her patients (at least ME) becoming too dependent (aka attached), but then once she sensed that she was harming me with all of her distance and detached behavior she went the complete opposite direction and was willing to allow me too much dependence (i.e. she was willing to call me every other day if I wanted her to. I said no (just seemed way too much!) and we settled for my 'off' weeks when I didn't have a session.). Then she started getting me in every week instead of the phone call on the off weeks. I began to feel a real connection to her and things settled down a lot for me. I didn't feel panicky about the relationship, I wasn't obsessing or spinning about her, things really felt good. Then I started to worry about my insurance coverage running out and how I was going to pay for visits through the end of the year. I decided I couldn't see her weekly anymore, which honestly broke my heart. I dreaded telling her, and when I did she herself acted hurt. Now this of course is just my interpretation of her reaction, but her whole expression changed and it was strange. It was like she felt that all her efforts to help me were in vain and that I didn't appreciate it or something and I felt awful. I don't know. I wish I had asked her what was wrong at the time. Hind sight. So she said she understood and that I shouldn't have to pay out of pocket for visits, etc. and that we would go back to bi-monthly visits and that she would call me on the off weeks again. Well, that very next week, no call. I felt totally abandoned by her. It hurt a lot. I told her about it during my session the next week and her "sorry" didn't even sound sincere. And of course there was no discussion about how it made me feel because she's not into discussion about feelings. I'm starting to wonder what she IS into. C.B.T. That's about it. Oh, and EMDR. Which we haven't done. Because I'm not doing the CBT stuff. I think she's frustrated with me because I'm not one of those quick and easy in-and-out patients. I'm not a drug addict, not starving myself, don't have serious trauma issues, just a lot of little ones that we haven't even begun to tackle yet and it's probably frustrating to her. She doesn't like to keep patients for years.

Anyway, back to the story. Where was I? Oh, so because we were done with the weekly visits I wanted to thank her for putting so much effort into helping me because it really had done a lot for my moods and how connected I had felt to her. I was really feeling pretty good! So I found her this cute watch band. She is into those watches (they're popular where I live) that you can switch out the face and bands and the bands are like jewelry bracelets made of big chunky beads. Anyway, I found one that really reminded me of her. I bought a bunch for myself too and got a deal where I got hers for free, so I figured she couldn't be upset because I paid $1 for shipping. So I gave it to her with a handmade thank-you card and she seemed to really like the gift. She saved the card to read later because it was long and it was her lunch hour, so she grabbed her purse to leave with me and we walked out of her office and then halfway down the hall she ditched me and went into a kitchenette where some colleagues were warming up leftovers. Usually she walks me to the end of the hallway and shows me out the door, puts her arm around me at some point down the hallway, and always says 'bye'. Nothing of the sort that day. It was weird. She's been distant ever since. It's sort of making sense. I think she's worried about my attachment to her, that maybe I'm getting too close, or wanting to get too close, but I haven't done anything that I see as being a boundary crossing issue or anything. She has been acting strange and claims she has been holding back on me because I don't like her "big girl panties" sign. Stuff like that just makes me go ???? WTF? I'm seeing mixed messages all over the place, mabe a few red flags, maybe some real communication problems. What do you guys think? I tried to point some of this stuff out in my letter, but didn't get it as clearly as I'm getting it here. Things are coming together better with a bit of time. Maybe time is a blessing in this case, I don't know. The wheels are turning...

Thanks again for the birthday wishes, and for being here for support everyone. I'm so truly blessed and thankful for this wonderful place. Without you all I would probably be standing at the edge of the final precipice wishing for someone to come along and push me over. Thank you!!!

Hugs to you all!

MTF

I'm a wee bit late but it's still your birthday by my clock, so here's more Happy Birthday Wishes, MTF! I'm 36 too, and it sucks that we're still trying to discover what we need and want in life and be able to express and seek it without regret. But hopefully what counts is that we are still fighting for it - that we are ON this path. Give us 50 more years and we'll finally have it all figured out, right? I hope you are feeling better by now. Take care.

Happy Birthday from me too, MTF!!

Soooo sorry to hear about the stomach flu ...hope it goes away soon. {{{{{{MTF}}}}}}

I've been reading your posts all along, and it seems you filled in some details in that last one that I hadn't heard before (the watch, for example...I didn't know about that, but I remembered the session where she ditched you afterward). I think it was really nice of you to give her that watch band and hand-made card. I'm sorry she seems more distant since...I don't understand why it would have that effect. It really does sound like your T is very insecure about how to help you. Her waffling back and forth and inconsistency would drive me up the wall. Not into discussion about feelings, doesn't like to keep patients for "years"...I think you are right, it sounds like she is only comfortable treating a certain type of patient, maybe one who is in immediate crisis...and don't get me wrong, that is important too!...but maybe once the crisis is over, she is not sure where to go after that. It could be that she really is just very limited in what she can offer, but is finding it difficult to admit to you (or maybe even herself) directly. It really does sound like she WANTS to help you, but can't seem to figure out HOW to do it...and the result is all these mixed messages and lots of pain and confusion for you. I'm sorry, MTF...you are working incredibly hard, and you deserve a T who is confident in being with you in your therapy, going where you want to go in the therapy. This work is hard enough as it is without having to constantly try to compensate for the T's issues. {{{{{{{{MTF}}}}}}}}}

I hope your T contacts you next week so you can have some answers one way or the other MTF. I'll be thinking of you!

Hugs,
SG

MTF well done you for making that call! Disappointing that she wasn’t there, but the upside is that now you know why she hasn’t been in touch so the doubting and wondering and spinning might have calmed down a bit?

It really does sound like this is make or break time with this T - but you’ve put so much thought (and feelings) into writing that letter and sorting out what is going on in your therapy that you have every chance to really clear the air and find some certainty about your relationship with her.

I really hope you can get that early appointment - the sooner the better.

LL

Yes, well, done for making the call. Hope you are feeling better.

BB

My T called today and told me she got my note and asked me if I wanted to come in. I said yes, of course, and she said she could get me in tomorrow at noon. I said that was her lunch hour and she said she has a staff meeting after that and she could eat then. I thought that was really nice of her to care enough to fit me in when it's her time. Now I'm freaking out about what I'm going to say and how this is all going to go. I'm always such a bundle of nerves over these things. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. My stomach already has a huge knot and lots of busy butterflies in it. I hope I get some good resolution tomorrow. I'm praying for that, anyway.

MTF

(((((MTF)))))

I am so glad she called you, MTF. And I'm also glad that you won't have to wait an unbearably long time to talk to her about this! I'll have everything crossed for you. It seems like it's only a matter of time before all of this comes to a head - you've given so much of yourself that I at least hope your T can be open with you and you can get some of this stuff fleshed out.

And of course you're nervous! This is such hard stuff that you're dealing with, and yet you're still pushing ahead. Nothing but admiration and support for you, MTF.

((((MTF))))) That's awesome, I really glad to hear your T is getting you in and not making you wait a month to deal with this. We'll be pulling for you tomorrow and we'll be here. I know it's going to be scary but you're a very brave woman and you can do this. I hope it turns out way better than you could expect.

AG

Oh, good, MTF. I'm SO glad to hear she responded to you and made time to see you this week. Thanks for letting us know!! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for that good resolution right along with you. Hopefully those butterflies will settle down and get busy untying that knot, so you can get a little snooze time tonight.

Hugs,
SG

(((MTF))) that is wonderful news!! I'm so glad that she got your letter and she responded to you. That in itself is huge. I hope that the appointment goes well for you. Perhaps printing out your own copy of the letter (assuming you typed it) and highlighting various aspects that you feel are the most important would be helpful?

I will be thinking of you and anxiously awaiting an update.

Just wanted to say good luck MTF. You are strong and brave and you will be just fine. Take a deep breath and focus on what you need to say. It will be fine.

TN

MTF,
YAY....Will be thinking of you. Lay it out there, girl!! You can do it!

I've got to put this down while it's still fresh in my mind but I'm still processing so I may add to it later. Things went okay with my T today. As we walked down the hall to her office she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was okay. She called me on it and said, "Liar, liar" and chuckled a little, trying to lighten the mood. You'd have to know my T to think this was remotely funny given where I'm at. When we sat down she asked me what's been going on. I told her I'm in a really bad place. She asked me or rather made a statement that I wanted to do some attachment work. I told her I didn't know, that I was really unsure of what I wanted and that last week I wanted to die. I blamed it on my doctor taking me off of my anti-psychotic med cold turkey. She asked how much of it had to do the attachment to her. I told her I wasn't sure. She made me give her a number on a scale of 1-10. I told her 7. I was totally frozen at this point. She was moving too far too fast, too many questions and they were questions I didn't want to answer. I had told her this in my letter and suddenly she was in my face about it all. She didn't have the letter or refer to it. I brought it with me but didn't get it out. I just wanted to see how it went. I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to talk about the attachment stuff, but I think I really do. I'm so confused. She knows I do but that I'm scared so I guess she decided to force it because she realized from the letter that it really is a big deal for me and needed to be confronted finally or we're just going to keep coming back to it again and again. I'm glad she finally heard me, even though I was REALLY uncomfortable.

Then she wanted to know really personal stuff. I don't remember what she asked me because I was totally frozen in fear. I do remember she asked me to tell her what our relationship would be like in my wildest fantasy. Um...Like I'm going to just spill out to her what my ideal friendship would be like and what having all of my needs met would be like and how being loved on every level imaginable would be, etc. Not. She told me whatever I told her wouldn't change anything. She wouldn't care any less about me and wouldn't see me any differently than she sees me now, but that it would help her understand me better and help her see what the relationship is for me. I couldn't say anything, I just sat there frozen still. Then she put her notes down and moved in close. I couldn't even look at her through all of this up to this point. She told me I needed to talk to her, that she couldn't read my thoughts although she wished she could. Me too. Would make things a lot easier! At that point I could finally look at her. I told her that she is like no one else I know, that I think she's a really fun person. She was surprised at that. She said something to the effect that people like her are a dime a dozen. That kind of hurt. She's really bad at taking compliments. It's like she couldn't believe that I think she's special and different from other people in my life. Then she wanted to try to figure out similarities between her and other attachment figures I've been close to. She wants me to go back and read a book she had me start reading in the beginning of my therapy and highlight some of the stuff that really stands out to me NOW instead of then, so we can look at what's relevant now. She was trying to do schema therapy with me in the beginning but said today that she doesn't think that will be something I'll like because it won't focus on my attachment to her and that is where I'm focused right now. So she is willing to work on our relationship and try to put all the pieces together but she told me it all fits together so I have to be willing to go with her here and there a little, too. Okay.

She told me that I am over sensitive to stuff. I hear you saying "I told you so!" Monte! Yes, I know I am. She said I need to be telling her stuff in the moment, catching her and telling her when things are said and happen rather than stewing about them for days, weeks, months and then writing her a 5 page letter that takes her 45 minutes to read and digest. She said my letter was beautifully written but that is my downfall. I don't talk. I don't tell her in person when I feel slighted, hurt, ignored, insulted, shunned, etc. And she doesn't know when she's done anything that hurts me so she can't fix it, so I just go away with hurt feelings and harbor them. She wants me tell her from now on--in the moment. That is going to be HARD. She made me promise that I will call her if I can't tell her something to her face, but that I won't sit at home or even in my car after a session and spin on stuff anymore, that I'll get on the phone right away and call her. She made me "pinky swear"! Yes, we really did it, too!

I felt a lot of genuine concern and care from my T today. It felt good. I needed a good session with her after the disconnection I have felt for some time now. I don't know where things will go from here, but I'm hopeful that now that she knows how much I am hurting and how important my attachment to her is, she'll help me work on understanding it and maybe she'll be more open about it. It was strange to talk about it, but she seems fine with it. I think I am the one with the issues and maybe it's been me all along. I don't know. She asked me what's different about this relationship and the others and the only thing I said was the boundaries. With the other attachments I had access to the people whenever I wanted to and this time I don't. She agreed that boundaries make it hard and was very understanding of my feelings. I felt heard and validated and accepted and that has helped me feel a lot better about things. She spent a lot of time trying to maintain eye contact with me, really in my face trying to hit home that she cares, I think. She emphasized how this relationship teaches us both about ourselves and it's not just about me giving and her taking, or her giving and me taking, it's about reciprocation. A lot more stuff I wish I could remember. Sessions like today I wish I had a tape recorder. At the end I got a hug, and that always helps. I'm feeling much better.

MTF

Hey MTF that's brilliant! It really sounds like she's more than ok about all your feelings and what's even better is that she's taking the initiative to draw you out about it all (just as well eh? Nothing like having all the best intentions in the world and then freezing up, suddenly thinking hell this ain't such a fantastic idea after all!)

I can't tell you how pleased I am for you - you've been suffering so many agonies about your feelings for her and the way she hasn't seemed to get any of it, for SO long that it's wonderful you've now been able to step forward into some really healing work - being able to work WITH your feelings about her, and that she's openly pushing you to tell her exactly how you feel in the moment itself - I especially like that she's expressly given you 'permission' to tell her all the flashes of momentary feelings (feeling ignored or shunned I like that, she sounds as if she's eminently open to hearing BAD stuff that's great!) And given time you could well be finding it safe enough to tell her exactly all the good feelings you have for her too (pity she's no good at taking compliments, but it's not really about compliments is it?) I get the sense she's now made it so much safer for you all round, that must be be a big relief for you.

Wow I could be going overboard here, but it sure sounds like this was a great session and so very much where you needed to go with her. I'm so pleased for you (((( MTF ))))

LL

More Than Fine,
Are you feeling relieved? I am (good to know huh? ). But, I was actually a little worked up for you today. ) Sounds like she is finally understanding the importance and wanting to help you work on the attachment piece. I am so glad for you. And yeah, it's easier to talk about than to actually do, but really, what isn't?

I am so glad she gave you the green light to call her when/before you start spinning about something she did or said in session. I was a little worried when I read the part about her wanting you to tell her in the moment because I don't know about you, but there are times when I don't even really hear something T said until later, or don't have a reaction about something until later, so even though it's ideal to be able to tell them in the moment, I don't think it's always realistic. But you have the option (or obligation due to the pinky-swear ) to call her if something comes up after your session, so that is great.

Yay for you!! You did it, and you didn't have to wait an entire month!! So brave, girl!!

Oh, I am also very relieved for you, MTF! I am so glad she at least partially broke through your frozen state (I hate those! and I'm having them much too often myself! so frustrating!). I mean this in the best way, but I really hope she keeps at it and won't let you hide your feelings anymore. I hope she persists, however uncomfortable its going to be for you, because I believe you'll have more relief and connection with her in the end. So you have to do your part and call her if you're spinning again! If you chicken out, we'll have to kick your cyber butt, LOL! (or at least give you that HTML slapper thing)

MTF,

I am really pleased with how things went for you! It sounds like it was hard, but also productive and really helped get the issue out there in the open.

As far as the writing vs talking thing. I've BTDT. I used to send my T really long letters, tell her things after the fact that pissed me off etc. I still send her letters, but now they are much shorter. It has taken many months and many conversations about trust and our relationship in order for me to start to feel safe enough to say in the moment, "hey, wait a minute. What do you mean?" or "that hurt my feelings" etc. I definitely have not perfected that, but my point is to tell you that it will come in time. You don't have to do it all at once.

Please keep us posted on with any developments. I'm so glad you wrote that letter and that she heard you!

Hi MTF, it sounds like you had a really good session today and I hope you can hold onto it and the good feelings and all the things she said to you. I know how fast it can all slip away and those thoughts start eating at you about what she said and what she meant. But, hey, a pinky-swear to call her is really awesome. And she seems like she really wants to know what is going on inside your head and she shows how much she cares by asking the hard questions. I know it can be so hard when we freeze up in their and our frontal lobes go totally off line. I swear there are times I walk into my T chanting stuff in my head so I can remember what I need to tell him. Sometimes I write it down but then I hate taking out notes... I can feel/see him groan... oh here we go... she's gonna read me another 50 pages of stuff...

Just wanted to say good for you and I hope things get better and easier for you as therapy progresses.

TN